I have been very foolish and I'm going to lose him.

[Kathy]

Thanks for taking the time to read this. I still don't have the courage to say all this to him, because it will sound dramatic...but I really need to do something about myself.

We've been together for 5 years, and although I knew there were a lot of things wrong with me, I didn't realize I was acting so foolish and childish. I almost think we're at a point of no return, although I really want to stabilize things, because I love him dearly.

I was (and still am) really insecure when I met him. He was all that I've ever wanted - smart, sexy, independent. But it seemed I barely covered his standards for a girlfriend and I often wondered why he's with me. We had a lot, really a lot of problems, mainly revolving around me. The most recent was my bad behavior - I'm really impulsive and my mood completely depends on what he's saying to me - meaning that when he annoys me or offends me, I become this snappy, bitchy person that I hate. I just couldn't control it. I felt so weak, so vulnerable, that my only stupid reaction was to snap back, while he always kept his dignity and smile. I hate myself for this, though I keep doing it do this day. I know they say "You are responsible for your feelings", but it seems I haven't matured enough to do this. I want to!

So, this has affected our relationship greatly. He's more distant now, he's witholding emotion towards me, which makes me even worse. I feel unappreciated. I try and try to be better, to show love, but when my efforts are unappreciated, I just become angry. He probably hates me for it.

I want to change, people. I just want to eradicate this negativity and snappiness. If he wants to break up with me when I'm nice - so be it. But I don't want to become that damn b!tch at the drop of a hat, because I can really be a very loving person, when I feel secure. I want to control my emotions no matter what!

Please help

[HeartIsAching]

Take an anger management class. It'll help you figure out why you do that, and what triggers it. Did wonders for me.

[basilandthyme]

Kathy, I've seen very nice, calm people turn into cranky ones when they are with the wrong partner. I know we are responsible for our own behaviours, but some people really do bring out our worst sides. In these cases, responsibility for our own behaviours can include walking away from those who trigger our negative emotions.

Were you a 'snappy bitchy person' in your previous relationships? If you weren't like this, then the cause is most likely a poor match with your current guy.

[Kathy]

I'm going trough a real rollercoaster of realizations in the last few days. On one hand, I want to be strong and take full responsibility of my emotions...on the other, I want him to know that I can't and won't be indifferent to what my partner is saying to me. I guess I need to grow up and learn to be calm when provoked, but also assertive enough to put my foot down.

You people in this forum are seriously awesome. I haven't got such insightful support in years! I hope you have a great New year!

[HeartIsAching]

Kathy, you mention becoming a snappy, bitchy person and that you can't control it - you CAN control it. The anger management class I mentioned will help with that. The key to managing anger, is to find what you were REALLY feeling. Anger isn't a primary emotion, it's the emotion we use to cover up what we're really feeling. If you felt insecure, belittled, unappreciated, etc., you display anger instead. Most often, anger is triggered by a form of fear. Figure out what those are (I'm urging you, take a class) and you can start getting a handle on it.

I had an epiphany while taking my classes that drove this point home - for months I'd been resisting the notion that anger wasn't a real emotion, that it was triggered by something else (usually fear) and used to cover up the real emotion, until one day my 6 year old and I were out on a bike ride. He missed the turn to go home and instead rode off the curb and started out into traffic on a busy 4-lane road with a 40mph speed limit. I leaped off my bike, snatched him up, whirled around and set him down on the grass, and started to go nuclear on him... then it hit me. I wasn't REALLY angry - I was afraid, and the reason for that fear no longer existed. Just like that my anger evaporated. It was absolutely true, and that flabbergasted me.

Take a class. Please.

[EvanHadkins]

It is about meeting your needs - esp. ones not met in childhood. Perhaps being paid attention to, acknowledged for your work and successes and so on.

Imagine doing for yourself what you want him to do for you. What happens? Do you feel it is impossible.

If you didn't pretend to be someone you're not then he got together with you with your eyes open.

Anger lets us know that we feel we have been endangered or insulted. (We may not have been but we feel we have been.) Let your anger tell you what is important to you. Then you can perhaps find ways to build a relationship around what is important to you.