Betrayed - with a dominatrix

[penny36]

Hello

I hope that someone can help me. I am absolutely devastated.

I have just found out that, not only has my husband been having expensive sessions with a local dominatrix, but that there are videos of him being humiliated free to view on her website.

We've been together for almost 20 years but now I feel I don't know him at all. I look at him and see a stranger. He has become cold and distant but often I catch glimpses of him staring into space smiling to himself - obviously reliving their time together. I'm so numb and just don't know what to do.

Please help. I just don't know where t turn.
Anyone?

[Wakeup]

If you're real, then I have to ask ... have you told him you know? and... Why have'nt you left him for this betrayal?

If you're a troll.. then I'll just say grab a whip and make the boy a happy camper, dear. Hell, that might even work if you're not a troll. Would you be willing to take up the task forgive and forget?

[HeartIsAching]

Obviously you two have communication issues - else he would have told you about this.

You've got a choice to make:

1. Leave him.
2. Forgive the betrayal, talk to him about it, get help and try to work it out.
3. Grab a whip and make him pay.

[penny36]

Yes, I am very real and VERY HURT.

The last thing I expected on here was your kind of reply. I thought this was a genuine help forum.
I am 48 years old and my husband is a little younger.
It's very easy to say tell him or leave him.
When you've been together as long as we have - supposedly happy - this has come as a huge shock and I have no idea how to confront him.
I came across the evidence through HIS carelessness.

I don't even know what a troll is.

Kindly leave me alone if you can't give me some advice or if there's anyone out there who's been through a similar experience.
Thank you.

[penny36]

Thanks for taking the trouble to reply.

I have no idea how to broach this with him. I know he'll be angry I've found out - even if he does feel any remorse.

Any ideas?

[Cerby]

Thanks for taking the trouble to reply.

I have no idea how to broach this with him. I know he'll be angry I've found out - even if he does feel any remorse.

Any ideas?

So what if he'll be angry you found out. HE is the one doing something wrong.

First you need to decide a few things
-Are you willing to leave him over it?
-Are you ok with him leaving you over it?

If you can say "yes" to either of those, then you need to bring it up by simply telling him you've found out. You didn't tell us how you did, so just go with the truth. If you can't live with losing him, then you need to avoid the topic of discussion and live with what he is doing.

[Wakeup]

Yes, I am very real and VERY HURT.

The last thing I expected on here was your kind of reply. I thought this was a genuine help forum.
I am 48 years old and my husband is a little younger.
It's very easy to say tell him or leave him.
When you've been together as long as we have - supposedly happy - this has come as a huge shock and I have no idea how to confront him.
I came across the evidence through HIS carelessness.

I don't even know what a troll is.

Kindly leave me alone if you can't give me some advice or if there's anyone out there who's been through a similar experience.
Thank you.

Will you leave him?
Will you talk to him and then leave him?
What kind of advice other than you first have to talk to him can we give you?
Would you be willing to indulge in BDSM with him if you decide to stay with him?
Do you think if you both got some couples councelling and he stopped this business that you'd be able to forgive him.

These are all legit questions that if you don't answer here then you will have to answer to yourself and him.

(A troll is someone who posts unusual or controversial threads just to get reactions out of regular posters. With you not even stating that you've talked to your husband yet, the possibility existed.)

I think you should broach the subject with him by simply telling him what he left open and can he explain whats been going on. I think the conversationw will take care of itself after he knows that you know.

[penny36]

You are right, of course.
I know what I've got to do.

Thanks for explaining what a troll is, I've often wondered.

[smackie9]

I don't think he will be mad but probably revealed that he doesn't have to hide his fetish anymore. This would be the opening you need to start communicating with him, to give him a chance to explain himself and hopefully help you understand where he is at and how he feels. After that step, I suggest you, him or both of you seek out therapy to either mend this relationship or prepare you for your separation. If you say you are looking at a stranger, then that means he is no longer your husband or the man you married, and you shouldn't waste your time or your life in this marriage.