How to pick out the good from the bad?

[rayna]

I have yet to find anyone who has advice for this circumstance, but I'll give it a shot here. I don't think I'm particularily attractive, but when I move to a new place or start something new, I attract a number of overly-friendly/flirty guys while trying to build up my social life.

I think I have really bad guy-picking skills because I always end up with a dud (he just wanted an f buddy) or a ride on an emotional roller coaster (he is wishy washy and drives me crazy). What sucks is I feel like I'm overlooking the decent guys who disappear after they see me hanging out with another guy or get seriously friend zoned.

So....is there a secret to picking out someone compatible to further the friendship/relationship with?

[EvanHadkins]

Think about what initially attracts you and whether this is what works long-term.

Do you get to know people through social events or doing things of common interest. Social events as a way of meeting can be places that attract those looking for more superficial and short-term relationships.

[rayna]

Mostly social gatherings and parties (usually held by people i know). I know that's not the type of place to meet people and I don't go in with that intention. Before I graduated from grad school it was just the people in my classes (academic and interest-related ones), friends of friends, or neighbors.

I guess I should do more activities that relate to my interests?

[smackie9]

Try internet dating. or join a singles club.

[smackie9]

Oh BTW if you find yourself making friends with flirty girls get them to help you out with your dating skills.

[Guybrush]

Rayna, could you describe what kind of "decent guys" you are actually looking for? What qualities do you want in a man?

Is it important that you have interests in common? In which case, what are your interests?

[basilandthyme]

So....is there a secret to picking out someone compatible to further the friendship/relationship with?

Be ruthless. And yes, I'm being serious. Keep your eyes open for red flags and don't be afraid to dump a guy should you see that flag.

And ignore the advice that relationships are hard work. Good ones aren't hard work! Sure, they take thoughfulness and consideration, but they don't need anything which feels like work.

[Fruitsss]

No there is no secret.
Other then start educate yourself by reading some books about
picking the right men and psychology etc.

Often people picks partners that are like their father or the male figure they grew up with.

Till they realize that and see the reality they may start choosing the right type that is good for them and healty.
A low self esteem can be also a reason why people choose wrong dudes.

Cause they think thats all they can get.
Or maybe u have also the kind of attitude and behavior , friends, or like to be in the environment where those kind
of people love.
So u atract them most of the time.

So maybe u need to look to yourself and see if its something in your behavior, dress etc.
Our the way u behave. Environments u like.
Cause if u like certain stuff or certain way or places its hard for a opposite kind of guy to even notice u or like u

[rayna]

Rayna, could you describe what kind of "decent guys" you are actually looking for? What qualities do you want in a man?
Is it important that you have interests in common? In which case, what are your interests?

...You are asking for one heck of a list. Yes, I have a mental list of qualities but a guy just needs to have any combination of those traits (not all) for me to consider him decent/attractive. I guess most simply, a decent guy is easy on the eyes, genuine/honest, and communicates well with me. Common interests are definite pluses. I'm really into the visual arts, love animals, and while I love nature ...I'm not the lets go hiking type of outdoorsy person.

I generally attract smooth talkers (who doesn't?), overly aggressive (I stay away from these, and nerdy/somewhat awkward guys. The latter is like a wild card... I've seen players and pretty decent guys from this "category"

Try internet dating. or join a singles club.

I might try one of those singles activities clubs thingies I've heard a lot about on the radio. I'm still iffy about online.

Be ruthless. And yes, I'm being serious. Keep your eyes open for red flags and don't be afraid to dump a guy should you see that flag.

And ignore the advice that relationships are hard work. Good ones aren't hard work! Sure, they take thoughfulness and consideration, but they don't need anything which feels like work.

I'm usually quick to run away, but got caught in one bad one bc I thought my problem was not giving chances and sticking around long enough.

Relationships shouldn't be hardwork... That's something I haven't heard before and I'll keep that in mind!

Thanks all for the advices so far.

[rayna]

I guess a better way to word my question is... Why are mutual feelings so hard to come by? Either he's really into me and I just want to be friends or I really like him but he just wants a fwb.

[HeartIsAching]

Be ruthless. And yes, I'm being serious. Keep your eyes open for red flags and don't be afraid to dump a guy should you see that flag.

And ignore the advice that relationships are hard work. Good ones aren't hard work! Sure, they take thoughfulness and consideration, but they don't need anything which feels like work.

This is the best advice here. Look for the red flags (controlling, condescending, sarcastic towards you, put-downs, sexism etc.) and if they show up, walk away, immediately.

And yeah, a good relationship is an easy one.

[smackie9]

I guess a better way to word my question is... Why are mutual feelings so hard to come by? Either he's really into me and I just want to be friends or I really like him but he just wants a fwb.

The ones that are really into you are usually the suck asses that are emotional, too eager, needy, clingy (red flag). Ones that are FWB, show very little interest in knowing you on a personal level, don't take you out on dates, not very available, their on line dating account is still active, don't talk about the future, lazy when it comes to satisfying you in bed (red flag). It's best to quickly identify these red flags and end it...don't wait around hoping for things to change because you really like them. Don't listen to their words, go by their actions. Communicate your expectations.