Not happy in my marriage....

[bubbe2005]

Hi all.

I am new and I just joined and this is my first post...

Me and my husband have been married for 4 years and we currently have a 18 month old daughter.

I have a degree in Computing from UK (I was born and raised there but now live in Texas).
OH has a diploma. Dropped out of high school. Finished thru this online study thing....?

I earn more than him (does it matter....yes it does) I wish it was reversed so that I am the one to stay at home and look after our daughter.
He is working as a security guard on minimum wage.

My schedule is Monday to Friday 8-4 WORK - 10 mins drive away.
I come home around 4:15 (with traffic) and I go straight to the kitchen to cook, hubby still plonked on the dining table playing diablo III.

Just yesterday I went upstairs to shower (around the time DD usually has her daytime nap) I was blow drying my hair in the bathroom and kept thinking to myself....it's quiet downstairs...maybe DD is knocked out already (cause usually she is very loud).....finished in the shower, doing my hair etc... came down....hmmm no DD on the mattress (we sleep downstairs for convenience), walk around the corner, OH is still on the laptop playing Diablo III and DD knocked out on the CARPET!!! I said to him "WTF......really this is how it is when I'm at work!?!?!?! ****ing lazy ****, get off your ass and put her on the bed now!!!"

I mean seriously.....why can't it be me to give up my job and look after our DD!!! I'll do a much better job AND I'll keep the house clean at the same time!!

For some people having a JOINT income in ONE bank account works.,.... but for me it's the opposite....
He has no discipline in money whatsoever.....

the rent is $1050. He pays $340, I pay the rest.
We go halves on Electricity bill (which is around $170 a month)
Halves on Time warner cabler (which is around $123 a month)
Halves on water bill (which is around $80) a month)

He gets paid around $700 every 2 weeks on Fridays.
I make around $800 every week and get paid every 2 weeks on Fridays.

It will not change if I were to say to him, lets go into a joint account and put all our money in there and I'm the one to manage it (yes filipino custom!!) my mum did it, my aunts did it etc.....

now, would it be fair if i said give me all your money so I can mange the bills and rent more etc.... no that wouldn't be fair....of course I don't want to take all his money and leave him broke....after all he spends $20 here and there on his Diablo game buying items and what not.....


It's just been getting worse, saging the house hasn't made one bit of difference. I swear sometimes I think to myself I have married the devil!!!!
We still argue aLOT! and it's to do with the fact that he GAMES GAME GAMES GAMES and not the mention jerking off EVERY DAY!!!

Yeh, I'd like to NOT be a busy mom for once just so I can give HIM the good loving he always bloody craves for!

He will never be in my shoes running errands, cooking, cleaning, having to calm down DD if she's crying or wanting a partner to play with or to have someone to read books to her!!

He says he;s so tired just before he goes to work, yet never takes a nap when she is napping but like 1 hr before he heads off to work in the evenings.....

Of course I envy stay at home moms!! Like my brother is also in IT in London and his wife stays at home (for now) to look after their 6 month old.
But I can't do that because OH says he will never be able to MATCH my income....well, if only he didn't drop out of school and actually worked hard to get a degree or get some valuable work experience.....but instead, he knocks up his ex GF 9 years ago, leaves when the baby is 10 months old, gives him up for adopition (signed his parental right away) to her ex GF husband (who is in the Army), did drugs with his friends, ran away a couple of times, its like his on MOTHER didn't give him any grounding...

and that woman is something else!!!

I am hear to read your critics, your advice's...

[HeartIsAching]

So what of this have you communicated to him without shouting?

[bubbe2005]

he is one to NOT listen. he is one to over talk me when I haven't even finished my sentence. he is one to Yell back.
he is one where communication is very hard to come by!

But if or when i do have a chance to say what's on my mind such as him sitting his 200lb body weight on the chair and I'm cooking, cleaning and picking up DD toys off the floor as soon as I get home from work, it will only go through one ear out the other.

[IndiReloaded]

No offense, but $800 a week isn't too hard to get if you apply yourself. There are many jobs he could do that would clear much more than this. Ton of work in the labour industries (mechanic, electrician, other trades). He just needs to get off his ass and do it.

Until then, make a *list* (an actual list) of things he is expected to do around the house while you work (which may include sending out a certain # of resumes). This list should not be made by you alone, but made by you *together*. I.e. start w/a piece of paper and write "things I expect from my partner" with 2 columns, his name and your name. Then, write down 1 thing and give him the list with a deadline for when to give it back to you (say, the next day). Then go back and forth for a week, agree on a day to sit down and discuss your list (you may not get everything but you should get most).

After you have done this homework, come back and post here. We'll tell you what to do next.

[IndiReloaded]

he is one to NOT listen. he is one to over talk me when I haven't even finished my sentence. he is one to Yell back.
he is one where communication is very hard to come by!

Then don't yell. Write, like I said. Assuming you really want a solution (and not just to fight), you are going to have to put some effort into this also. Its clear your H won't engage unless you do.

[bubbe2005]

No offense, but $800 a week isn't too hard to get if you apply yourself. There are many jobs he could do that would clear much more than this. Ton of work in the labour industries (mechanic, electrician, other trades). He just needs to get off his ass and do it.

i agree. thank you for your suggestion.
I've (as well as my parents observation) always know he is a LAZY mf!
He really is.

Prime example, god forbid but if I were on a death bed right now, he is incapable of being the man of the house. I am the man of the house right now and I wear the pants in our marriage.

weighing out the pros and cons I hear you say??

hmmm

I do the grocery shopping every week
i cook
I clean
I play with our DD when i have some time on my hands
I work Monday to Friday 8-4 and bring home about $800 PW and pay majority of the bills and rent because of my income

Him, he knows how to jerk off everyday and he knows how to play computer games.
He's handy for some DIY things or plumbing things around the house.
He can't cook (or is lazy to cook), doesn't know how to talk to people without SWEARING in his sentence....f-ing this and f-ing that....

There is something there that is telling me.....WHY WE ARE STILL MARRIED!!!...yet I've not found the answer....I'm clueless.

[Wakeup]

Of course I envy stay at home moms!! Like my brother is also in IT in London and his wife stays at home (for now) to look after their 6 month old.
But I can't do that because OH says he will never be able to MATCH my income....well, if only he didn't drop out of school and actually worked hard to get a degree or get some valuable work experience.....but instead, he knocks up his ex GF 9 years ago, leaves when the baby is 10 months old, gives him up for adopition (signed his parental right away) to her ex GF husband (who is in the Army), did drugs with his friends, ran away a couple of times, its like his on MOTHER didn't give him any grounding...

But you knew all this about him and you still married and had a child with him?

This is your life and welcome to it. You can ask him to make some changes, you can even write down the things you'd like to see improved and then you have to see if he values you and "DD" enough to make them. If he doesn't do the inner work he needs to do to rehab from his gaming addiction and lack of involvement in your and DD's life, well then it's time to leave him. You have control over what you ultimately do but the only control you have over him is the ability to tell him that you're no longer willing to accept the shitty situation. Of course if you're just going to complain but stay there and enable his slothenly ways, well then the best thing for you would be to learn how to accept it instead of trying to control and failing at it.

[bubbe2005]

But you knew all this about him and you still married and had a child with him?

This is your life and welcome to it. You can ask him to make some changes, you can even write down the things you'd like to see improved and then you have to see if he values you and "DD" enough to make them. If he doesn't do the inner work he needs to do to rehab from his gaming addiction and lack of involvement in your and DD's life, well then it's time to leave him. You have control over what you ultimately do but the only control you have over him is the ability to tell him that you're no longer willing to accept the shitty situation. Of course if you're just going to complain but stay there and enable his slothenly ways, well then the best thing for you would be to learn how to accept it instead of fighting it.

I hear what you say and thanks for your suggestion. He himself once said to me...when i didn't make him his tea before him leaving for work...well of course he ran out of time because he was stuck to the chair playing D3...oh and I make my own tea in the morning before I leave for work....but i remember him saying..."what are you good for"....

yeppp...

i also remember him saying when i was talking to him about cutting down on D3.....he said to me in response..."at least I'm not a drug addict or an alcoholic...that's worse than being a gamer"

[Wakeup]

I hear what you say and thanks for your suggestion. He himself once said to me...when i didn't make him his tea before him leaving for work...well of course he ran out of time because he was stuck to the chair playing D3...oh and I make my own tea in the morning before I leave for work....but i remember him saying..."what are you good for"....

yeppp...

i also remember him saying when i was talking to him about cutting down on D3.....he said to me in response..."at least I'm not a drug addict or an alcoholic...that's worse than being a gamer"

Yes, this is the vicious cycle of dysfunctional codependency. You might want to point out to him that his gaming is just as much an addiction if its affecting his life negatively. Certainly it is if your marriage is such an unhappy shambles.

... So: what will you do now, bubbe? You've been arguing and trying to control your liveS for how long now without any improvement? How will you change this up?

[bubbe2005]

I have been strong about it for 4 years now (I'm 32 now)....and still going. But I am coming very close to the tip of me saying, enough is enough, BUT me being me and us having our baby girl...its so much harder to just DROP IT ALL, ya know?

[Fruitsss]

Well im so suprised while reading your topic. For real. Like r u serieus about this?

I can understand when people find themselfs in certain situations with their partner after a couple of years.
But what i have almost no compation for is people that knew it all way before but they jumped into it
cause they where in love or for whatever reason and once things go bad they at like
the other person is so bad and rong and bring the person down . While they knew that the person was like that way before
marry them.

You only make yourself look stupid.
Cause u knew he dropped out of school, beat gf, leave his first child , drugs. But u as the most stupid
person in your story , dated and married him!
U was fine with it before why bashing him suddenly cause u r mad about a decision u took by yourself?

I also believe the mom should be the one that stays home with the kids.\
I dont believe thats a mens job. Even thou people say that their men do it good.
But i still believe a men is at his best working and bringing the money in.
And not especially as a full time housemen.

Reading your post if its all true i think u really need too be that home stay mom.
IInstead of letting your kid with a men like that. I am also scared cause of his history
to even date and marry and let him with my kid.
I think u dating and marry him says also something about u what ever that means!!

I rather have less then leaving my kids wherever.
Maybe he needs to get 2 jobs and so u can be there for your kid.
And computer games r for shore noting good. Even thou there is some less horrible.And
him playing diablo (diabolic) doesn't sound good to me in any kind of way.
Cause what u spent a lot of time with can become part of you easily.

Im surprised about your whole story. And the thing that makes me doubt about what too say too u is that,
looking at his background i cant understand how u marry someone like that and let hi with your kid.

Anyways, u did know all of that about him but u still took him, and marry him so, take responsibility now that everything is not roses and candys.
Cause u are married u should have conversations serious ones. ABout him getting a extra job.

And often people seek people of their own level to marry with.
So its stupid too marry someone that isnt and make it a issue later.
U had plenty of time too find out all of that and too break up or not even date him.
But you did noting with it. So suck it. deal with it.

For me only the baby matters. So do whatever u need to do to take care of her the right way.
Cause u r the mom. Men can come and go.
And i think its better u stay home with your kid. And if u do IT work, u can easily work at home.
Like find a job that give u that opportunity.

And next time use your head instead of your va ya ya and feelings.
Before jumping into things.
Dont go do whatever and then blame it on th other. Cause if u did not agree it couldnt happen anyway.

[IndiReloaded]

i agree. thank you for your suggestion.

No problem. I'll leave it to others re: venting. But seems you needed a practical solution. Let us know how it goes.

[bubbe2005]

Well im so suprised while reading your topic. For real. Like r u serieus about this?

I can understand when people find themselfs in certain situations with their partner after a couple of years.
But what i have almost no compation for is people that knew it all way before but they jumped into it
cause they where in love or for whatever reason and once things go bad they at like
the other person is so bad and rong and bring the person down . While they knew that the person was like that way before
marry them.

You only make yourself look stupid.
Cause u knew he dropped out of school, beat gf, leave his first child , drugs. But u as the most stupid
person in your story , dated and married him!
U was fine with it before why bashing him suddenly cause u r mad about a decision u took by yourself?

I also believe the mom should be the one that stays home with the kids.\
I dont believe thats a mens job. Even thou people say that their men do it good.
But i still believe a men is at his best working and bringing the money in.
And not especially as a full time housemen.

Reading your post if its all true i think u really need too be that home stay mom.
IInstead of letting your kid with a men like that. I am also scared cause of his history
to even date and marry and let him with my kid.
I think u dating and marry him says also something about u what ever that means!!

I rather have less then leaving my kids wherever.
Maybe he needs to get 2 jobs and so u can be there for your kid.
And computer games r for shore noting good. Even thou there is some less horrible.And
him playing diablo (diabolic) doesn't sound good to me in any kind of way.
Cause what u spent a lot of time with can become part of you easily.

Im surprised about your whole story. And the thing that makes me doubt about what too say too u is that,
looking at his background i cant understand how u marry someone like that and let hi with your kid.

Anyways, u did know all of that about him but u still took him, and marry him so, take responsibility now that everything is not roses and candys.
Cause u are married u should have conversations serious ones. ABout him getting a extra job.

And often people seek people of their own level to marry with.
So its stupid too marry someone that isnt and make it a issue later.
U had plenty of time too find out all of that and too break up or not even date him.
But you did noting with it. So suck it. deal with it.

For me only the baby matters. So do whatever u need to do to take care of her the right way.
Cause u r the mom. Men can come and go.
And i think its better u stay home with your kid. And if u do IT work, u can easily work at home.
Like find a job that give u that opportunity.

And next time use your head instead of your va ya ya and feelings.
Before jumping into things.
Dont go do whatever and then blame it on th other. Cause if u did not agree it couldnt happen anyway.

Hi and thanks for your comment.....well all I can say is I KNOW.

What to do about it? I don't know....

[Wakeup]

I have been strong about it for 4 years now (I'm 32 now)....and still going. But I am coming very close to the tip of me saying, enough is enough, BUT me being me and us having our baby girl...its so much harder to just DROP IT ALL, ya know?

Yes, i do bubbe. But you have to be proactive now because I can't think of any reason why you should be feeling over-worked and under appreciated and continue to do nothing. First do the necessary communication you need to do to get it through to him that it's not the way you want to spend the rest of your life and that you certainly don't want your daughter growing up thinking that husbands and wives scream at one another while the wife continues to keep doing what she's unhappy doing.

Have a talk with him show him what you would like to see changed, how you'd like to see him INVOLVED in your and your daughter's lives more while gaming less... baby him one more time and make a chore list that he can get done before he even opens up the computer, make it clear that his current indifference and apathy is unacceptable... and then see if he cares enough to put the effort in. If he doesn't, well then welcome to your life as it is and as it will always be... Unless you leave.

No one said it would be easy but you'll feel better knowing you at least tried your best to improve things before throwing in the towel.

[Fruitsss]

hmmm i already told u what u can do, we can tell u what ever but it up too u what to do about it.
read some books about marriage.
they can also guide u about how too plan your financ.etc when u r married.
normally people should read and find out and discus things like that way before marry.

One of the biggest things that r very important in a relationship is communication.
Also before sex.
Cause fr every thing u need too communicate.