SoulMate?? - but Major Work

[scott35]

Hello,

I started dating a very special woman in June, we were inseperable for 2 months (she told me she loves me at that time). She had a very abusive marriage, has been divorced for 4 yrs. She was also abused as a child and has been dealing with her ex husband (restraining orders, courts, etc..) One of her problems is that she was always late, in August I raised my voice to her (she ended up crying and immediately said she can not see me) I felt so badly and tried to explain this to her with no avail.

In October she called me out of the blue, we met for coffee at that time and I could tell she was severely stressed and depressed, she said I am the only person she can count on. In October we went out very casually a few times and would hug goodbye but have not been intimate since July and have not talked about getting back together exclusively. There has been a number of times when I would ask her out she she would say she is too tired or cancel at the last minute. (this could be due to depression) I seem to be getting mixed signals from her.

FAST FORWARD TO CHRISTMAS: When we were dating in June she would never have me over her house to meet her children, This month I have been over her house several times (this is a HUGE deal for her as no other men have met her kids or family) and she invited me and my children to her home for Christmas to meet her family. I did bring her a few gifts and wrote the following card:
Jill,

You are Special. Sometimes you meet someone for a reason, without you knowing it, you have changed me.

Whenever you want to talk or need anything, I am here for you unconditionally.

Have a wonderful Christmas; believe that your dreams will come true in 2013.

Love, Scott

I was a little depressed when I received a card from her and she did NOT sign it, 'Love'

Then next day I got a text which brightened my day:

I just want you to know how impressed I was with the gifts and the cards are the most beautiful cards I ever received. Thank you very much! I love the bracelets, the calendar and the angels. I took the angels and the calendar to the office. I love them!!!
__________________________________________________ ________________________

She is very very busy with work and extremely stress and depressed with her life situation.

I do love this woman and feel she is my soulmate (I am just not sure how she feels about me) I do have opportunities to be w other women and have refused. How do I know what her feeling are for me? Not sure I can come straight out and ask her.

Any advice would be very much helpful

Thanks

[basilandthyme]

Scott, I'm not entirely sure I believe in the concept of 'soulmates'. But I do believe that for a person to be a 'soulmate', the feelings should be mutual. Otherwise, it's just 'unrequited love'.

At any rate, she loves the gifts you gave her, but there's nothing to indicate that she loves you. Keep your options open and stay dating others - she doesn't sound like a good bet for a solid future together.

Edited to add: the terms 'soulmate' and 'hard work' contradict each other.

[HeartIsAching]

I do believe in soulmates, but she ain't it... at least in my opinion you've been friend-zoned. Try talking to her about it.

[Fruitsss]

I think this is all passion and the honey moon period of any person that falls in love.
So telling each other in the first month i love u is bullshit.

U know her story and past. But i think u dont understand it. U r too busy with yourself and
your fantasy world about u and her together.

This woman have been true too much abuse. And have a big baggage , and u dont UNDERSTAND that.
So she will be better of without any men right now.
And knowing her story and for the short time u know her screaming too her should be a red flag for her
too break every contact with u.
Cause that is some kind of a men that cant control his anger. And its not a good thing for someone u barely know also/

Looking at her history i think she needs the right therapy and time too get herself back.
Cause she have been true too much. Forcing yourself too her will not help/
If she is depress for shore can it happen that she call off dates or come late maybe.

She also have kids. SO she need too be careful who she brings in.
Cause every men start very nice and with a lot of text like u. I guess her ex husband did that too.
But at the end there true color will come out. And when one is vulnerable any person can come in and
act like they have good intentions.
I dont think u r a soul-mate too her. And i dont think she is your soul-mate.
Soul-mate is also always from both sides. And not just from one side.
I think u r just inlove and wants things too work in a normal way or in your normal way.

But i think u hear but u dont listing and have no clue about depressions and people that have been true sexual abuse.
Cause if u did , your approach would be different towards her.
And if u where a soul mate for shore.,

And i guess both of u are very adult. So why cant u just sit and talk too her?? Why all of that drama?
ask her that simple question? Instead of jelling at her about being late, take that time too
ask questions like that. Even thou my advice will be move on, u r not the one for her!

[scott35]

Thanks for your replies .. after we ended our relationship in August, I was dating another woman briefly. Jill happened to see me out with her and her face just totally dropped and looked sooo saaaad. She called first thing next morning and was asking about her. I know she does not want to see me with anyone else but she just made need time to get over her current situation with her ex husband (restraining order, court, has to sell house) I want to be there to support her.

There are other women who want to date me, not sure if I should go out with them and see what happens in the meantime. And if I do should I tell Jill?

Thanks

[Fruitsss]

If u have noting with her u dont have to tell her anything. cause its over. so u should behave like that 2.
But generally as a human its better for one not too jump into another relationship right after a break up.
But take time too heal from it so u dont bring old drama in the new one.
And also its more human too not show up in public with the new one shortly after a break up so
you can give your ex also the time too adjust too the idea of not being together.
And take her feelings n consideration.

But she needs too take care of her own and move on. So u dont have too let her reaction be
the way u live yours.
aND i guess u r a adult so asking if u should tell her sounds immature to me.
use your own damm mind!

[chenderson325]

Yes, go on with your life. If it's going to work out with her, it will. I wouldn't go out of my way to tell her, but I wouldn't hide it if asked.

I don't think it's entirely unreasonable to ask for a few months to get yourself together and expect that the other person won't see anyone else. But you seem to be very eager to go about seeing other people, and that does make me question just how "soul-mate" you are feeling about this woman anyway. Once I found The One, for the first few years I had zero interest in being with anyone else. At the very beginning I couldn't even think about it.

And...are you sure you know what you might be getting yourself into with someone in her situation? I ask this as someone who has the same profile. I even moved to another state to escape my son's father. I was abused as a child, etc., and I was in really no shape to be in a relationship with anyone for the greatest part of my life. Everyone has issues but some are bigger than others and won't go away without some professional help (not that they will ever entirely be resolved, really). You might be signing up for much more drama and turmoil than you expect. That ex-husband in particular sounds like bad, bad news.

Finally, I have to ask question why you would be interested in an obviously wounded person. Does the dynamic you have with her feel familiar? Did you have a significant relationship (probably a co-dependent one) with a wounded woman in your past? I ask this because nearly every man who has been seriously interested in me has been this way. And what happens when the wounded person heals and your savior skills are no longer needed? I have no way of knowing whether this is true for you or not, but if it is, take note.

[scott35]

Thank you for your input. I really do love this woman but would like to be reassured of her feelings for me (probably selfishly). We spoke yesterday and she said 'I'm her angel and has my Christmas card on her nightstand by her bed." Maybe this should be reassurance enough. ---- Then I get mixed signals. I asked if she would like to go out Sunday, she says she has to work (which is an excuse) this may be due to the depression.

I know I want to be there for her and can handle what may come. Yes, you are right, I did have another relationship very similar to this. From the moment I met Jill I knew that her soul was for me and the way she relates to my children tells me she is very special.

Do you think I should ask her how she feels about me? Or if she sees a future with me? Or just give her time to heal???

Thank so much!