Feeling suspicious, need help

[Beenthere]

I am in a marriage and we have had our ups and downs and some tough financial times in the past. It resulted in us moving country where we are better off. My wife is far more outgoing and has managed to make many friends. I struggle a little with that.

Since having our 1st child my wife is constantly saying she doesnt feel sexy etc.. I am always trying to reassure her, I help around the house, cook, clean, work full time etc. I have always been faithful to her since the first day we got together. We are now expecting our 2nd child.

We get away. and my wife gets away to friends on weekends. I have always trusted her. Recently my wife asked me to check a message for her to see if a pal answered.. I noted on the scroll down a chat theyd had weeks earlier, where my wife suggested she and a pal go speed dating. It was my wifes idea. The pal is single and asked if Id care, my wife just said she wouldnt tell me and would make up something.. the pal just said she would get back to her. This shocked me, and if I am honest it made me look at the rest of her facebook info.. (it was wrong, but please bare in mind, she has my pass word and is regularly on mine, answering or posting messages and I am completely open with it) she on the other hand used to freak if I went near hers.

We had discussed about befriending ex partners or serious relationships, (we both had one) and we agreed not to reconnect. During our troubled times, she always said she regretted breaking up with this guy. I put it down to her having a wicked tounge at times. When I looked at her friends, it showed she has been friends with hers for a 18months (coinciding with protecting her page) and was in touch a few weeks ago on his birthday. I confronted her, she freaked out and then apologised but has done nothing to change this.

Now following one of her recent trips, she tells me that they regularly go to bars, chat and flirt with guys, sometimes drink and stay out till 3-4am. When I said I wasnt happy with it.. she just said she wasnt changing and if I said anything else, she would just tell me nothing or lie.

I want to be a trusting husband. I have never had an issue with her trips to/with her mates, but I am really bothered now. My gut is not accepting it, but I dont want to make things worse if I am over reacting. My feeling is, if I walk into a bar and see an attractive lady. My wife isnt around, so I go and buy her a drink, sit with her and flirt.. regardless if anything happened, its disrespecting my wife or her feelings. I wouldnt do it if my wife was in the room, so I shouldnt do it when she is not.

Now if the man is someone else, and my wife is the lady, my feeling is she shouldnt take the drink and sit there flirting with the guy. It isnt only hurtful to me, its disrespecting our marriage and humiliating to me and in front of people, her friends who I sometimes socialise with too.

Please tell me if you feel I am over reacting.. because I am agonising over what to do. I feel like its cheating. I as so hurt and I feel like she wont listen, shouts/laughs me off and it is taking my trust in her away. If it wasnt for my little girl I would leave right now.

What do you think?
Thank you

[basilandthyme]

No you're not over reacting. Only a crazy person would ignore these red flags.

So, what do you want to do about it? You can leave or work on your marriage. Would you do marriage counselling? Have you got any idea what's behind your wife's behaviour?

[shesjustnotin2u]

This is a tough cookie. And no, You are not over reacting at all and have every reason to question if she is in fact cheating on you. Because You were too nice, understanding, and considerate in the beginning, you allowed your wife to behave in such behaviors over a long period of time where she is now accustomed to them. She probably neglects your feelings without realizing that she's hurting you. I understand you were trying to be a good supportive husband but you forgot about "Yourself" and failed to enforce mutual boundaries and rules. If you try to take away her privileges and start making demands, I guarantee disaster will strike. My honest opinion, you will need to sit down with her and reestablish boundaries. Compromise with her if she believes the terms are acceptable and innocent. Reverse psychology and give her a small sample of her medicine. Her response then can only allow her to see how she has been acting and treating you. Now Im not saying fight fire with fire but sometimes, people dont realize how they are behaving and what they are doing until they get a taste of the other side.

[shesjustnotin2u]

Of course Good communication and marriage counseling will definitely need to follow afterwards but first, she must realize her behaviors are hurting you and the family and want these changes.

[basilandthyme]

Of course Good communication and marriage counseling will definitely need to follow afterwards but first, she must realize her behaviors are hurting you and the family and want these changes.

And it's entirely possible that she may choose to leave rather than change. I think these are the actions of a woman who's not satisfied with her life.

[Beenthere]

Hi
Thank you all for your advice.. I think you are only confirming what I know deep down inside. She's obviously not happy.. and although I love my family, both of them, I have to realise when its time to let go.. it is sometimes so unfair as when making this choice as a man, I loose so much contact with my little girl, all the little things..and I know I will never have the same relationship with our child on the way. Things came to a head since my earlier post.. when I blurted out in a horrible way how let down and 'cheated' I felt..even if she hadnt actually cheated. Her reaction told me, shes not happy.. I have to accept it. Thanks so much for your posts.

[asdfg789]

@OP, wow. This sucks. I think you should leave. Is there any way you can get custody ? How old are the both of you ?

[Beenthere]

Thanks asdfg789, we are in our 30's.. shes mid 30s and im late 30s. My daughter adores her mum, it would be wrong for me to take her away.. In my head I know I should leave.. its taking that first step. I suppose its hard when you are leaving to save your dignity... but still love her and our child.. I also have no one here in this country.. so its literally stepping out into oblivion. I am scared..but know I have to do it for everyones sake. TBH I dont even have a deposit for a place to stay.. I hope my car is comfy.

[Fruitss]

If u set your money low u will get low.
The same with boundaries ,morals , etc.

I see that u was all cool with some kind of having a 3th person
in your marriage and u had one 2.
That was the start of a divorce right there

God made marriage for 2 people.
Not for people that wants too do messy stuff.

So u did accept mess and also enjoy it with her.
Now that she dont want too stop or liked and want more
u get mad?
U both where wrong for agree on messing out of each other.

Maybe u can have a serious talk. But i dont know if it will help.
Learn for once. Dont agree or do stuff out of your marriage.
It will never be good for your marriage.

And im shore u r no angel. But cause im a woman im kind of worry about the kind of mother
she is , cause she spent so much time on the street while she have kids too take care of.
Does she never think about how serious her position as at least a mother is?

[Scarlet_P]

Beenthere, I can only say you don't sound like you're exagerating anything or being unreasonable. All you want is a faithful wife who isn't going out on the pull. A little flirting is normal, it makes us feel like we still have "it", but to actively go out and seek it isn't cricket.

For her to access your Facebook or personal stuff, and not let you do the same (or goes mad if you suggest it) is very unfair, and anyone that says "life's unfair" is generally someone who makes it so. I don't think she's sorry about her outbursts at all, it's a reaction to getting caught, ie, turn it around so you're suddenly the bad guy, which, from what you've written, are not.

Difficult situation with marriage and kids, sorry to hear that mate, because it makes this complicated. If it weren't for her, where would you be living? Some women want to put you into a heart-shaped box and throw away the key. You don't exist to serve her needs, if yours are not being met. Getting a straight answer sometimes is difficult, and I've been fobbed off for the last 3 years until last week, when I wouldn't let the issue drop (different thread!), because I wasn't getting any kind of answer.

Push for the truth. A deceitful marriage is an oxymoron.

[Journey2Virtue]

You are an honorable good man. Its a shame when a woman gets a guy like you and doesnt appreciate it.

You are not overreacting she is abusing your trust in her. These are definitely red flags you should not ignore. It seems like she's bored And looking for something a little different or convinces herself that its harmless fun and she wont go too far. The thing is most people dont intend to cheat, they just walk the thin line telling themselves they are not technically cheating. Then one day "one thing leads to another & it just happens" as they say.

You need to have a serious talk with her and dont let her skate around topics or make empty promises. But try to stay calm, cuz if you flip out she'll get defensive & either not be honest or shutdown or be wrong & strong. Be prepared to hear things you wont like, but you guys cant continue down this road.