If I'd known it was our last kiss, I'd have made it last longer

[andy10]

Hi, thanks for checking this out. My name is Andy and I'm a guy. This is my story...

In middle age, we all have "baggage" of some type. None of us are experiencing our first love and there is usually someone in your sweetheart's not-to-distant past. So, we try to be careful, but that other person is always a concern.

When I met Jane (yes, fictitious name), her man had been gone for almost a year. They were still married, but he hadn't even been in the country for almost a year. We talked about it and I knew there would be some issues, but she seemed so solid when she told me they both had moved on emotionally.

I know some of you are thinking, "But she's still married," which I understand, but for all the times I've heard people say that one chapter should be completely written before the next one begins, I've seen that real life is often more complicated. Sometimes people still own property together or she relies on his company health insurance or one of them is in prison, or out of the country, or any number of things that can keep the line between people's chapters from being a bright one.

Her marriage was over except on paper, she said. It had happened long before she met me.

Jane is a smart and thoughtful woman, and we talked openly about the need to legally formalize the divorce process, but it never seemed to get started and I missed the warning bell somehow.

So when the days of our growing love turned into weeks and the weeks of growing love turned into months, I felt no hesitation in giving my heart away. In fact, I loved it.

Neither of us have children at home, so we visited often (she lives 5 hours away), used Facetime every night and gradually, responsibly created a wonderful love together. We began to sound like teenagers: "I love you." "I love you more." ""For all the love you give to me, I will give you twice as much in return."

We were so good together; so happy together.

Our last real kiss happened right after Thanksgiving. She didn't have much time off and I did, so I stayed in a hotel near her apartment (which we both agreed to do out of respect of her "soon-to-be Ex"), and had a loving time together. As the last day of that long weekend came to an end, we were already planning our next visit together. This wasn't supposed to be the "last kiss," just the "last one for now."

But a week or so later, everything changed.

He had called her. He was ready to come home again. And even though she still confidently told me their marriage was over and they had both "moved on," this was also when I realized her voice was making promises her heart could not keep because she had agreed to let him return to the apartment and sleep on the couch until he could make other arrangements. In my head, I knew it was all wrong, but I wanted to believe our love was just as perfect in our hearts as we were telling ourselves. I wanted to understand and be supportive.

Also, I felt reassured because she was coming to visit me over Christmas vacation, so I knew this wretched ordeal couldn't last more than 2 weeks....

But it was 2 weeks that changed everything. At first we talked every day and she was so strong in the beginning, but each day I saw that his return took a little more of her away from me.

Yes, she was still driving their final separation and divorce forward, but I quickly saw they were a couple who were clearly not "over each other." He pleaded for another chance even as he told her that he would undoubtedly leave her again in the future. But instead of feeling indignant, she was crying over it... and those tears and torment told me that even though they had both come to recognize this was the end of their marriage, the emotional separation was far from over.

She did come to visit over Christmas vacation, but nothing felt the same. It was as though his ghost was standing in the room. She decided to go home early.

Today, they are still divorcing and have already separated everything, but nothing feels the same between us. She asks me to be patient and to wait for her feelings to resolve, but she doesn't talk openly to me anymore. Over Thanksgiving, she had promised to move into my home by the end of January, but that conversation doesn't happen anymore. She is getting her own place in the same city, hundreds of miles away, and we don't even talk about that together anymore.


As I write this, of course, I see those red flags and warning signs now. But at the time, I wanted to believe our love would carry us forward, as a team, as partners, as the "soul-mates" we once promised each other that we were.

There's not really much left to do now but watch the final days of our relationship "bleed out." I can see how it is dying and want to put it out of it's misery, but there is no point in declaring it. It is happening without being proclaimed and this brief time of unspoken-ending allows her heart to process losing me in the same way she must still process losing him. We don't Facetime or talk on the phone anymore. We just message each other some days.

So tonight, I thought about that last kiss and wished I had made it last a little bit longer. I also think about the cues I missed. And, of course, I wonder if we can ever go back to where we once were.

[tillyb]

I'm so sorry to read your story. And you must be in some agony. That is understandable. Perhaps it all happended to quickly for her and you came into her life just too early. Love is lost and love is found - and time goes on. Be gentle on yourself and try to move on. Keep busy. Put the music on in the house and do things that are important to you. Cherish that last kiss, put it to rest with yourself, don't leave this with regrets.

[andy10]

Thank you for those thoughtful remarks.

[5Gone]

Wow, Andy, that is a powerful read. As a middle aged guy myself, recently dumped after five years of a long distance relationship, I feel your your pain. I wish I had words of comfort to ease you but can only reinforce what tillyb says. Simply, be kind to yourself.

More than happy to talk away from the forum if you feel the need. Not sure how to share an email address privately though!

David.