Opinions needed! (length warning)

[mhz]

Hi all, 1st post, please go easy on me.


Me and my partner started living together 8 months ago, I didn't think it would last but we made it work and get along great together. About a month ago I had to move overseas for work (up to 12months), bad timing... I'm ok with it but my partner is having a harder time adjusting to it than I am.

She's working a 12hr job 5 days a week. I know this is really tough on her since I always had way more spare time working a 9-5 job, once we moved in together, usually I did the cooking & cleaning and made sure she looked after herself.

We Skype every evening or 2nd evening. She's feeling depressed and a little demotivated. During the last month, she hasn't been taking care of herself and tonight I got particularly frustrated and trying to decide if I should have a talk with her about it tomorrow but stop me if I'm being unreasonable.

Since she gets home late everyday she hasn't got the time to cook. Often eats fast food, which is unavoidable. Luckily we both have quick metabolisms and don't gain weight very easily so the junk food doesn't worry me.

What does bother me is the fact she's demotivated and isn't taking care of herself. She has a habit of getting home and just crashing. When I was around I made sure we both ate well, cleaned ourselves up before bed etc. Last night on Skype we talked for a bit while she was eating. As soon as she finished she just dozed off, left all the lights, the TV, her makeup on and I'm hoping she at least took her contacts out (I've heard it's bad for your eyes if you don't? I don't wear glasses so no idea.)

I know working long 9-9 shifts (sometimes more) is really tough and I can't blame her for being lazy. However she can't be bothered doing anything before bed, I think she should at least take off the contacts and brush before sleeping. Ideally do the other things too like turn off the lights and TV which doesn't take much effort at all.

Last time I said something she got teary eyed and said it's because I'm not around anymore but she'll try and take better care of herself. Not sure if I'm being unfair, should I bring this up with her again?

Thanks for reading

[HeartIsAching]

Not exactly sure what you're bitching about. Does she not shower at all? Or just doesn't do it when you think she should? About the contacts - they're her eyes, right? Her face with the makeup? Not yours? She payin' the light bill while you're gone?

She's an adult, capable of making her own decisions - treat her like one.

Be happy she's not going out dancing after work, but instead coming home to Skype with you.

[Scarlet_P]

OK, he did say " please go easy on me" HeartIsAching

What does she do, mhz, for a living? So, you two are in a long distance relationship, have I got that right yeah? What is it about her job that keeps her there - does she work in a hospital? Does she get breaks at work? Does she travel to work and back a long way? She just sounds exhausted. She's not on heroin or anything, or narcalteptic or something? Very unusual for someone to leave their contacts in and fall asleep.

Just sounds as though you want to be with her to take care of her, and are frustrated that you're not in a position to help her. I think, either be together, or spilt. Is there any plan to move back to living together soon? Do you see each other much?

[smackie9]

If it was me I would have told you to stuff it. You be nice to her and treat her like a queen.....make her feel good about herself by saying positive things to her, send her flowers or extra money so she can take herself for a spa day. This is what unconditional love is about...for better or for worse.

[Fruitss]

u r weird thou. i dont know r u okay?

like if u worry about her working 2 hard okay. but bitching about
i she brush her teeth when she gets home is stupid. what r u her dad?

u know she works hard so u have noting too say other then how can i help u.
u can make her aware once about things that can happen if she keep working that hard. but its her life at the end.

or u need 2 start working hard and give her money so she can rest dammit.

[mhz]

I'll cop that.

What does she do, mhz, for a living? So, you two are in a long distance relationship, have I got that right yeah? What is it about her job that keeps her there - does she work in a hospital? Does she get breaks at work? Does she travel to work and back a long way? She just sounds exhausted. She's not on heroin or anything, or narcalteptic or something? Very unusual for someone to leave their contacts in and fall asleep.

Just sounds as though you want to be with her to take care of her, and are frustrated that you're not in a position to help her. I think, either be together, or spilt. Is there any plan to move back to living together soon? Do you see each other much?

Yes long distance... she's a nurse and does an average 12 hours because she has debt. Student loans, credit cards to pay off. Can't just walk away from it and also don't want to split up either since we've invested emotionally in each other. I couldn't do her job, abusive patients are dime a dozen. I think she wears those throw away 1 day contacts, needs them when watching tv but since often falls asleep in front of the tv they stay in all night. With the debt repayments leaving the lights/TV on all night isn't helpful. Sure I'm frustrated I'm not there to look after her. I helped to pay off one of the credit cards with $2k debt on it but she has to take responsibility too, there's still more to go.

Once my 1 year o/s deployment is done we'll be living together again. I'll have a home deposit by then hopefully so no more renting. We skype often enough, yeah maybe I shouldn't be worrying but you should never neglect health&hygiene. When you care about someone you worry about stuff, sometimes stupid stuff but hey, looks like I'm being unreasonable so I'll leave it alone.

[Scarlet_P]

Sounds good mhz. I do understand being in a situation where I'm in debt...spent 12 years in London, and the last 5 or so were spent paying stuff off, and I didn't really want to be there at all.

Life looks like a grind for you two at the moment, and I think it's normal to worry about her, want to care for her.

I helped my gf by paying off £8000 of her debt, putting her in a position where she could breathe again. I had the money, so what else could I do? I don't care about flash cars, material stuff etc, so I know where you're coming from. It's time limited. I don't think you're being unreasonable.

Hold fast, mate. This situation is uphill but not forever.

[smackie9]

Like I said...you need to be positive with her...if you make her feel good about herself instead of bad, it will motivate her to do something. She has enough on her plate to feel bad about, she doesn't need you point out how bad she looks. All you are doing is making her feel worse, and it's pulling her down.

[Beenthere]

I agree with smackie9. Can you imagine what its like 9-9.. trying to fit sleep, housekeeping, feeding and maybe a bit of relaxation time in too. Id understnad your problem if she was at home all day.. but you have basically left her holding the fort, waiting the day you return. Someone said it earlier, but be glad she is not going the other way... doing herself up and out on the town every second she gets.. then you really would have something to worry about while you are away.

Give her compliments, let her know you love her and owe her big time for being there waiting for you. I havent missed that you are puttting money away for a deposit.. if you truely are for keeps, put the house off when you get back, clear her debt and let you both save and have a good equal start together in life. whats the point in you rattling around proudly in your new castle, while she's still stuck in Uni debt.. flogging her ass off.. and not enjoying life with you and in your home. As long as that debt is around, you can say good bye to starting a family.. i really think your partner needs you and thats where your priority should be.