Opinions Needed

[Nolques]

Hey all, I'm new to the forum, new to all forums actually loool.

Hmmmm where, how, with what to start.

Okey a couple of questions i need answer i don't really want to ask to any feminine friend i have.
First what is the acceptable time frame to reply an sms, that is with someone you've already had sex and have kind of a pseudo-distance-relationship?

Is it normal (even with an extremely shy woman) that you always get the i like you too and the i miss you too and never has the spontaneity to take the first step and say it first at least once?

And to finalize is it strange that situations like this even overweight more the fact that the "thing" is long distance and it just makes me want to lose touch with this woman (have said that a number of times to her, she always tells me that she believes this can work , she wants to give it a try, bla bla bla)?


PS- Some data that may be helpful for woman (yeah looking for a women's point of view, sorry guys) answering, being:
I'm 27 very romantic, complicated, communicative and dreamy
She's 34 likes someone romantic but isn't, shy, realistic and needy (sentimental wise)

PS2- Sexually we get along good (it's not the experience of my life but we are definitively compatible)

[vashti]

I don't understand some of your questions, but I think if you want to continue a sexual relationship with this woman, you should reply to her messages at your earliest convenience. If you don't want to continue this because of the distance, be a gentleman and tell her. Don't take "no" for an answer.

[Nolques]

Hey Vashti, thanks for your reply.

What question don't you understand? (i know i write in a weird form)

When i mentioned the replying an sms was more in the sense that she takes at least 24 hours, sometimes more (most of the times) to reply mine and I for a question of sensibility or education always try to do it asap.

And well i am open to continue this pseudo-relationship as well but i want to now if she can bring out a solution (namely how far is she ready to go to make it work, yes relationships involve "sacrifice" and a lot of energy spending both ways), have asked her about it but she says she believes this can work but when i ask her if she has thought about how, or made an assessment of the situation she says she hasn't.

I guess i like her too that's why i have not been more radical in the not taking a no for an answer and have always been sincere about my feelings and thought (think that is fundamental for every kind of human relations) but i think either she's playing me or she as a real issue with expressing herself.

Thanks again for taking the time to give me a hand with such a delicate issue.

[wxyz00]

I have a few questions:

1. Is this a young relationship?
Initially, in the excited phase of relationships people eagerly await/respond to msgs of whatever form, when a relationship grows ...things settle down and you answer/respond back when you get the time. Basically, your not in the "awaiting, clinging to your phone, waiting for it to ring" kind of mode

2. Has this relationship recently become long distance? and are you willing/wanting to do long distance?
Long distance relationships are really hard but not impossible. Some people have the stability and security in their relationship to keep it going. The ultimate deciding point for long-distance relationship is where they are going? If people see a FUTURE together they stick around otherwise no point wasting each others time..

[Nolques]

Hey wxyz00 thanks for your help,

well it is a young relationship, some months (4/ 5 ).

It was always long distance, and i know what you mean about being hard but not impossible, thing is i have told her that i don't think it will work, she says she wants to give it a go, so i say bring some possible solutions in the table, and she says "oh haven't thought much about it" . What is this, make up your mind girl, u love me cool i do too but if i feel insecure i would like you to either help or let me go don't keep me in the limbo.

Well last couple of days it just been hard specially cos im very down to earth in stuff like this like, you like me? want to try it, stick around?

_ No prob we will sort something out eventually.
_ If not just tell me and thats cool, better now then later when feelings and moments spent together take a hole new dimension.

hanks again wxyz00 hope to speak to ya again

[wxyz00]

Long distance relationships: if the relationship lasts 6+ months and then becomes long distance it usually has a higher chance of surviving however, a relationship that always was long-distance and remains to be for extended periods of time don’t tend to work out as much (of course there are always exceptions). So, it seems to me your relationship is the latter kind and therefore requires even more attention, security and trust which seems to be one-sided.
I find that you are entirely committed to this and want it to work out and everything. Your gf is either a) extremely shy or b) in control of the situation and likes to maintain it with her “let’s see how long I can ignore him or not respond to him” games....
If she really is shy and not playing some power struggle games then it’s really up to you to bring out the qualities you would like to see...... and make her realize that sometimes she needs to take the initiative... make her feel more comfortable, relaxed, whatever
But on the other hand if she is playing some power struggle games then you need to re-evaluate this whole relationship. Be more assertive and avoid this laid back attitude-. You have to push her to give you the answers you want..... Your strategy does not have to be aggressive or confrontational.... you can try an mimic her behavior so she can get a taste of her own treatment.

In either case, you have to put in a lot more effort and change your laid back attitude so you can enforce positive things to counter her shyness... OR engage in the power struggles to counter her indifference

Hope I’ve understood the situation correctly... and g’luck

[Nolques]

Heya wxyz00, hows it going?

Well i completely agree with you in most well nearly everything you wrote the thing is sometimes it seems to me she's in the shy group thing others just in the power/ mind games stuff.

I've actually went a bit confrontational last time we spoke (last week) and damn, you're right about that, it didn't work out, even more because i did it in bad bad time (she is finishing her theses this week) so a lot of stress in the air.

wxyz00
"But on the other hand if she is playing some power struggle games then you need to re-evaluate this whole relationship."

This I agree COMPLETELY because maybe it's a phase of my life or my personality but I'm not in the mood to play games like that, it's hard enough has it is to build a good, stable long lasting relationship without having to play silly childish games.

Another part that I've thought about and don't know if that fits in what you called the power games, is that many times I feel that I'm not even on her priority list, I don't want to be number one (well at least not right away) she has her family, friends, etc, but it looks to me many times has if she can fit me in the blank spots of her agenda cool, if not she won't change anything because of me.

Thanks a lot i don't speak about stuff like this very often and really good to listen to a well built opinion.

[wxyz00]

Most people don't like play power games -- we all want to feel loved and wanted. So I can appreciate why you are frustrated with this situation.

My guess is your gf is probably a relatively shy person but she is 34 and well-educated so she probably is strong-willed with a good notion of what she wants. Shy doesn't necessarily mean emotionally weak.

My suggestion is to calmly think about all the pros and cons of this relationship, write it down if it helps.... come up with at least three major things that bother you ( one you said was your priority in her life) and then you must also generate answers as to what she could do to make you feel better.... and then you should approach her but you cannot be demanding and angry... you are here to resolve Not fight. And you cannot blame her for how things are right now cause your partly to blame because of your laid back attitude. If something bothers you, you must relate that -- no one is a mind reader.
And obviously the best time to talk to her about these 3 issues would be when she's done her thesis and is free to discuss things....

Also, you must analyze if your expectations from her are realistic and fair considering she seems to lead a busy schedule.

[Nolques]

Hey wxyz00,

Once again you've managed to speak little but very meaningful and wise words.

Agree as well that she's not emotionally weak.

I spoke with her yesterday, just to say hi and how's it going with the thesis, as i expected it's a high stress moment in her life (no point in adding any more with deep relationship solving talks) so it was a 5 minute thing and she said she would call me after the weekend, by that time the thesis will be finished and we can talk, but i notice that things are quite cold between us, no more kiss goodbye in the end of the call (from any of us) always a bad sign.

In the expectation issue i think the they haven't been very "fair" (according to the circumstances) but they are honest and heartfelt and if i want to have a flirt or merely a sexual thing i have none whatsoever, but if I'm willing to take it deeper with someone, i expect a lot more obviously (needless to say i give a lot more too), I know that some things only come with time but i need a clear sign that there is willingness towards that, do you know what i mean?

Thanks!!! In most of the things you post in reply to my doubts/ queries you show me a different point of view, without imposing or being radical thats superb quality advice.