how to ease the pain?

[jovan]

Long story short, we have been in relationship for 5 years, till 3 weeks ago. It came out of the blue, she ended it saying that she doesn't want a relationship anymore. I tried talking with her about us, and fixing it, but she couldn't care less.... She told me that the reason for breaking up with me was that I didn't gave her enough space (even thou I did), and that she wants do to thing's that she couldn't do with me. I told her that I was never pressuring her, and if i was, that am willing to change and that I wouldn't stand in the way of anything that she would like to do. And only thing i care about is her happiness. But she said it over for her and am not going to stand in her way.
I do love her, but I would never take her back, even thou she the only thing I think about. I cant eat, sleep or study. She meant the a world to me. She wasn't perfect, and she dragged me down with her a 1000 times, and I was always the one pulling us out again. I was loving and supportive. I was studying and working in the same time while she was sitting on her ass and doing nothing. I was talking to her about doing something, anything. but she never moved her ass even an inch for as long as we have been living together. Even then I was only supportive and I wasn't pressuring her in doing anything if she doesn't feel like doing. I was blaming our country, ppl, and the world, telling her that its not her fault that its like that. I blame my self for not telling her, "your lazy get your hands out of your ... and go find a job". I was even supporting her mom, after she divorced her father. So I was studying, and supporting 2 households on my own, telling her, don't worry baby I got it. And nothing was too hard for me, nothing I wouldn't do to make her happy. And this is the way that she repays me. By telling me I love you just a day before she will brake up with me. I was fool, and i cant believe that I didn't know a person that I shared my life with for 5 long years... I don't hate her, but she wasn't the person that I loved, I loved the image of her that I made up in my mind over the past few years. And if she didn't brake this apart, I could have lived my whole life without seeing this other side of her. Thing that pain's me the most is that, she was worm and loving, and she expressed that it all the time, till the day she broke up. I called her up few times after that, and her voice was so cold, that her words rang in my head for days, and its her voice that is tearing me apart. Its killing me, and I have no idea how she got over me so fast, and how come i meant so little to her... But never minding that I picked my self up and moved on.
Now reason why am writing in here is that since my relationship reached its final destination I do have few problems getting over this whole situation. Sometimes I cant hold it in, and I start crying on public places. Witch is weird. case am not a type of person that cry's, or is emotional in any way, its just my tears just start leaking out and I cant stop that. Am an a attractive guy, and I already meet few girls that I like and am supposed to take them out. But i feel like I might start crying while am on a date, or even during sex, case I have no control over my eye's. And should I point out while am on a date that i just went out of the 5 year long relationship or to keep my mouth shut about that? Am sure that I want to meet some1 new, but I don't want to hurt anyone. But if i tell how I feel it might scare her off!
Any kind of advice will be appreciated

[eksink]

Well, it seems to me that you aren't quite ready to go out with people yet on a dating basis. I remember when I broke up with my ex of three years, i felt so angry, so hurt, and so lost that everything seemed to make me cry. The world is so much more overwhelming when you're alone- be it for better or worse. There is no magical secret to getting over this and there's nothing I can tell you that you don't already know, but I will tell you those things in the back of your head.

1. You aren't ready for the dating world. No matter how horrible a person is, five years is a long time to be devoted to a person and your mind, heart, and soul need time to mend and identify you as a singular.

2. You need to stay busy. Find hobbies, put yourself more into school, and spend time with your friends. This will seem like a desperate act, but it will pay off in that your sanity won't leave.

3. You need to cry about it. There is no shame in crying. Take it from someone who came out of something similar- there is nothing wrong with crying. You lost a part of your life. Part of your world up and left and refuses to offer anything save for the cold wind of a distant voice over the phone. Cry about it and learn to be an "I" before you jump into a "We."


You will be fine. I promise you that. You deserve someone with ambition, drive, and want for improvement over all aspects of her life. Give it time and you'll find that person. For now, find yourself and maybe a good movie. I hope it all goes well!

[jovan]

Ty for the reply. And yeah, am not ready to start dating, but I think that new partner can help me remember how it was to be happy.
I just hate to think that this experience will change me, as a person. And thing that scares is that i might look back in few years on this relationship with her and still think that she was the love of my life! I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to love again like I never loved before. And if new partner show's me that she wasn't anything special I can move a lot faster from that point. Or am a wrong?

[eksink]

A new partner can't show you that... it has to be from inside you. Like it or not, this WILL change you- it may be small or it may be big, but it will be a change. You may look back with fondness on your relationship with her, but it will be chased by all the reasons and disappointments that made you feel the anger and hurt you are now.

Try to do this alone. Relying on another person to fix you won't work- no matter in what way you are attempting. If anything, you're only going to be hurt more. Take your time with this. It gets better. I promise.

[jovan]

Noooo :,( I don't want to change I like my self for who I am . Am kid trapped in a man's body. And I never took anything seriously in my life, that's why am so successful in school work and any other aspect of my life (except the one were talking about). And this "change" is effecting everything that I do. I don't even have time for grieving. I don't even have time to relax and cry like a normal person. And work is so stressful that I had problems handling it even before she broke my heart. And now its like am falling and I have nothing to hold on to. And when I do come home its freaking terrible, I cant even make my self something to eat, and studying is out of question. I just cant do it, and I hate my self for being so weak. And if I had some1 else in my life in this late evenings maybe things wouldn't be so bad. It doesn't have to a relationship maybe just a female friend. I don't even know anymore. Its just all friends I have are already marred or just are as busy as I am nor I can relate to them. Not about this. They wouldn't understand. So that's why I thought about going out with someone else, someone new.

[Beenthere]

Jovan, I think Eksink's advise is amazing and if I am honest I am taking it myself. I am breaking up with my wife and like you, cant function at work, come home and my home is like an empty shell. Thank your lucky stars you dont have children with this woman, she didnt deserve you and used you for as long as she could. If I am honest, its sounds like she's move on.. dont let her stay in your life or in command your thoughts any longer. By all means grieve, but dont be beaten.

I know what its like to be alone right now, and by finding another partner or female friend you think, you'll replace the void she left. You may temporarly, but I have to say, I think Id rather spend a few months alone, get used to it, be comfortable in who I am as an individual and then be able to hopefully find the right person and give them the real me and not some miserable git on the rebound. I hope you get over it soon, but get over it by yourself and be your own man. Dont let anyone else define you or your life. Good Luck!!

[jovan]

She's out of my life for good. And she probably did move on. But I don't care how's shes doing. Maybe case am mad or crazy but I truly do not want anything to do with that person. But ill take your advice and Ill try to be solo for now. I have to cancel a date then, witch will be awkward case I said ill be free tomorrow evening -.-'
ty for support

[Beenthere]

fair play mate... couldnt blame you.. stay well clear of her!!

[eksink]

Noooo :,( I don't want to change I like my self for who I am . Am kid trapped in a man's body. And I never took anything seriously in my life, that's why am so successful in school work and any other aspect of my life (except the one were talking about). And this "change" is effecting everything that I do. I don't even have time for grieving. I don't even have time to relax and cry like a normal person. And work is so stressful that I had problems handling it even before she broke my heart. And now its like am falling and I have nothing to hold on to. And when I do come home its freaking terrible, I cant even make my self something to eat, and studying is out of question. I just cant do it, and I hate my self for being so weak. And if I had some1 else in my life in this late evenings maybe things wouldn't be so bad. It doesn't have to a relationship maybe just a female friend. I don't even know anymore. Its just all friends I have are already marred or just are as busy as I am nor I can relate to them. Not about this. They wouldn't understand. So that's why I thought about going out with someone else, someone new.

The fact is human being are ever-changing. You may like yourself now, but the person you are now will never be the person you are 10 years from now, 5 years from now, 6 months from now, or even 2 minutes from now. You think it's a bad thing, don't you? Well, it's far from that. Our ability to adapt and change makes us stronger, wiser, and better people should we choose to embrace it. Yes, your emotional life is having a huge impact on all other aspects of your life, but this is your mourning period. Soon, you will find that you learn what to look for in a life partner in a little more detail. Fact is, this relationship is helping to shape you into an emotionally independent and strong person. It sucks that it had to be this way, but you learned from it, did you not? No one deserves that type of treatment- so I doubt you will ever be a person to do the same to any woman. For that, you are already an amazing person. The change isn't horrible. Going through it is, but the outcome isn't. You can still be a relaxed person- you just have to fill your time with positive people and activities. Don't fear change. Embrace it. You never know... Your future wife may be waiting for you.

Feel free to vent more if it helps. I don't think I could have survived without a good venting period. Just promise yourself one thing- that you won't blame yourself for her actions. In doing that, you will only hurt yourself more deeply than she ever could.

Now, go forth and be awesome!