Crossroads

[pazza90]

Hey all,
I’m stuck in this situation and I just don’t know what to do, I really need help. I’m sorry if this is too long.
I met this guy , let’s call him Ted, two years ago on an art website, and we became friends immediately, we really enjoyed talking to each other, with no time we became best friends. I started developing some feelings for him, but the problem was I was in a relationship with someone else, let’s call him Barney (yea, I’m using names from how I met your mother), but I convinced myself into that relationship so I wasn’t really happily in love.
After few months of fighting my feelings for Ted, he got into a brief relationship after he sent all the signs to leave my boyfriend for him, nothing blunt though. My feelings got stronger after he started having issues with his girlfriend and I decided to take break from my relationship with Barney, I didn’t want to lose Barney, but I needed some time to figure things out.
During that break, I went out with Ted when he came to town for a couple of months - he is a medical student in a university that is two hours away from my town and he rarely comes to town – in that day, it was obvious that we are both madly in love with each other, we had a couple of drinks and although we didn’t get drunk, we kissed.
I didn’t know what to do after that day, I was madly in love with him, and he wanted me, but we were both in unhappy relationships. We started going out regularly during that time, I was still in a break with Barney, and he was still with his girlfriend, who happened to be studying abroad for her masters, and he only saw her for a couple of times after she came for a vacation (they met online) and he wasn’t sure about the relationship after that, but he didn’t want to break her heart because he didn’t want to ruin her life and study. After nearly a month and a half of our kiss, I completely broke up with Barney, it wasn’t fair for both of us and I decided to let him move on instead of leaving him hanging like that.
Ted broke up with his girlfriend two months later, during all this time we were trying to figure out how to deal with this, but by the time he broke up with his girlfriend, I thought we would finally be together, but he didn’t want a relationship, and we kept playing the hot and cold game until I decided to move on and he noticed, so we had a conversation were he said that he didn’t want to get hurt because he was hurt before (he flunked a year because of an ex girlfriend then she cheated on him) and after that he told me he didn’t want to promise me anything because he doesn’t know where life might take him.
By that time, I knew he didn’t want to commit, he was always talking about getting married after 30 (I’m 22 and he is 24). We started dating, we were completely happy; except for the fact that he always doubted me especially that it’s kind of a long distance relationship, as he is a very focused person, his one and only priority is succeeding in college and becoming a successful doctor, as such I didn’t see him much, however we had a great time together and we spent 10 months together, no talking about any commitment, but deep inside I wasn’t happy about this because I knew that it’s just a matter of time before he leaves and I didn’t want to lose him, it was like putting an expiration date on the relationship, and honestly I thought I was wasting my time with a guy who is actually using me for the time being, because I was his person, we were best friends and lovers, and we didn’t need other people, just the two of us was enough.
In our ninth month together, I asked him if he sees me in his future and if I’m anywhere on his plan, and he said that he didn’t promise me anything and that he needs to finish his study and focus on the internship and the residency and he can’t add a relationship to this, I didn’t say anything and I told him I was just wondering.
A month later, his cheating ex talked to him and he added her back on facebook, he thought I would be angry but I knew it was completely over between them and that he actually hated her, but considering the fact that she affected our relationship with his trust issues I told him that she is coming between us. He then asked me if I had any questions about anything, and I brought up the future problem, and we got into a long talk and he told me he can’t promise me because besides the fact that he needs to focus on his study, he also might need to support his family. I told him I didn’t need fancy things I just want to be with him and I can’t just count the days I have left with him because it doesn’t feel right, that night after a tearful (both of us) phone call we broke up.
He came to town the next day, and we met the day after that, we also had a tearful night we kept talking and holding each other and crying and kissing, we both knew it was the right thing to do but we didn’t want it. However we agreed to remain best friends, which obviously was a bad idea.
The break up lasted for two weeks; during those two weeks we met two more times and had a great time together as “best friends”. And he went back to his university and we kept talking on daily basis. However, he told me that he loved me and that he missed me and that he feels lost and he can’t focus and he is “dying”, three times. The first time I tried the convince him and told him to think about it, but he never gave an answer, the second time I told him that he can’t do that anymore and he had to let me move on as he was the one with a choice and he made up his mind to do this. The third time, we got into an argument and I told him that we had to get it done and I can’t take this anymore, I said that if he wanted me then he needs to make a promise to try his best to be with me in the future and to give his all to save this relationship and keep it alive, and he actually promised.
I was happy that I got him back but deep inside I knew that I settled, and I knew something was wrong, and two days later, he told me that I manipulated him into this promise (I told him that I can’t be his friend because it’s just too hard and I would need a space, but I was just protecting myself) and that I made him do something he didn’t want to do, and now he can’t study and all he thinks about is marriage and how he got himself in this position. He kept on blaming me for bringing the subject up, before the break up, and he also blamed me for the promise he made.
He said that all he knew is that he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, so I told him that he can’t have me without the promise and if he wants to leave then he is free to go.
The things he said to me were really hurtful, and I was just starting to pick up the pieces and start the moving on process, I actually got excited about the new life I would have, even though I thought he was the love of my life, but now I think I deserve better and I don’t need to beg someone to TRY to marry me. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want to give up on him, I changed him in a good away and I’m afraid I would regret giving up on him later, and at the same time it feels like things are just different, we will never be the same and he is actually being mean to me. Please help me.
Robin

[Beenthere]

Hi Robin,I know you are sad and missing him, but to be honest I agree with him. He is a young lad, trying to study and learn a profession that not only takes a lot of brain power, practise and hours.. but a huge amount of dedication. He will have invested a lot of time, money, sweat and tears by the time he qualifies and the chances are he will have to move elsewhere to get his final job. He knows he cant make promises to anyone, no matter how much he loves you, because he just doesnt know who or where he is going to be when he finishes studying. I think he is being more than fair. The promise that you asked for is just something you want as a way of thinking you are secure, when in actual fact if the relationship comes to an end, if one or both of you fall out of love, it will end regardless of any promises. Even marriages break up and their contractual.

If you love this fella, I would advise you go to him. Tell him to forget all this talk about promises and that you love him.. you love him right now and you think you will love him in ten years time.. and that if he wants to, start again. The future will come, and you will be with the person your meant to be with, but either way.. if its not him, you will have had fun on the way with someone you really care for.