Confused..

[easetheache]

Sorry this is probably going to be a long post, but can anybody help me?

My boyfriend and I dated for 8 months together, and the 8 months were really really great. We fell for each other fast, in only 1-2 months after knowing each other. Although the 8 months were great, there's no denying we definitely had some problems in between.

Our relationship couldn't go public because of my parents' objections for me to be in a relationship with anyone, and so we decided to do it secretly. But then my mum was over-suspicious and very controlling once she thought I was in a relationship and so she rarely allowed me to go out, giving me ridiculous curfews to be home by when she did allow me out. It made it hard for me to spend time with my boyfriend, and it did irk the both of us, but he still held on.

Then because of my mum's over-paranoia it led to her being over-controlling and caused my life at home to be at hell. Because I had all these problems it hurt him as well and he got very easily drained from trying to help me. And then with all these problems coupled with politics from my sports team that I had to settle (the both of us are captains of the girls and guys teams) my studies went downhill, and now I have to retain a year, which killed him inside because I wasn't coping with anything.

The above is really an understatement of what the both of us had been through together, and also very much an understatement of what he had gone through for me, choosing to stay by my side and all. But that's the gist, that our relationship was fine, just that it faced a lot of external problems, and we were happy together, but unhappy with the problems.

So on our 8th month anniversary he asked me out and told me indirectly that he wanted it to end. He cited reasons such as wanting me to be able to focus more on my studies and also wanting me to be happier in the long term rather than carrying on with the relationship and straining my relationship with my mum. He also said that he wanted to focus on his studies and he wanted a break, he didn't feel ready for a relationship and he didn't need one. And then he also said he was breaking with me because he felt he was the cause of all my problems (because in his perspective our relationship was the cause of my mum behaving like that which resulted in me being unable to study and retaining and all) so he wants to stop it and leave so that I can be truly happy in the future although when I asked, he said he still has feelings for me.

I was speaking to one of our closest friends who knew we were together and she asked me what was so hard for me to let go of the relationship, and one of the reasons I mentioned was knowing that we both still felt for each other. I think the friend relayed what I said to him, because the next moment he told me he didn't feel anything for me anymore. I don't know if he's saying it because he really doesn't feel anything anymore or if he's just trying to make it easier for me to let go. He refuses to listen to me when I try to reason out with him that I can handle my studies and ask him to let us have another chance. Now he shuts me out when I try to talk to him and to give him some space I decided not to talk to him until February.

Yesterday I met him for quite some time, almost the whole day, together with our team. He kept sticking really closely to this girl from our team and it made me really uncomfortable to see it and my heart was aching. He became really close to her and did stuff for her that he would only have done for me last time. I don't know whether he was purposely doing it in front of me to make me lose hope so that I could focus on my studies and not be distracted, or did he really not have anymore feelings for me anymore? But either way I just really felt my heart hurting really badly everytime I saw the both of them sticking really closely together, especially since I already suspected before that this girl was crushing on him when we were together, but then she didn't know that the both of us were together - no one knew except 5 of our closest friends.

Different people I've talked to gave me very different advises. Some say he did what he did because he really loved me, which I believe so, but yet some say that it is impossible between us already. I'm confused as to what to do and I still feel for him and I really still do wish that we can be back together again although people say we are too similar and it won't work out. Some say that he shuts me out because he doesnt want to talk to me and give me hope, and he doesn't want to ask me to wait for him, because he knows me well and that if he asks me to wait, I will. But I think even without him asking I will still choose to wait, but then people are advising me against it because they say that I will only end up getting myself hurt seeing the way he's closing himself up. What should I do?

My main concern isn't about getting back together with him, although I want to, but more of how to carry on from here. Of course if I can I definitely want him to be my boyfriend again but now I want to see what I can do to support him without making him feel uncomfortable. I decided to support him silently and make him happy but that makes him kinda uncomfortable and I'm also confused as to whether or not I should wait for him or let go, as different people have advised differently, although I think that through it all I will still end up waiting. But yeah, is there anything that I can do to help him and be there for him without making him feel uncomfortable? And how should I go about talking to him so that he doesn't feel uncomfortable and reply me curtly? And how do I tell why he's doing what he's doing - is it because he just wants me to focus on my studies and then get back together later, or does he really not feel for me anymore? And how should I decide whether to wait or not? He's someone I treasure a lot a lot, and I think I will still choose to wait, but with all the different advises coming from different people it makes me really confused.

Please help, despite the lengthy post. He's my first love and I can't say for sure he'll be my last although I hope he will be, but right now I'm really at a loss on what to do.

[eksink]

First off, never ever ever ever EVER put your life on hold for another person. He may have broken up with you because he truly loved you and cared about your success in school and at home, but he's moving on now (from what you've given). If you really want to feel better about this, do exactly as he wanted you to on your 8 month anniversary- work harder in school, mend your ties with your parents, and focus more on sports. You need your education and your identity far more than you will ever need any relationship.

He may be in a relationship with this new girl, but is that really a bad thing? Let him go and be free. Not all guys are willing to put put up with such parental conditions as your for long. 8 months is just a drop in the bucket as far as relationships go. From my experience, it's at 2 years when you get to truly know the person you are dating. He needs someone he can openly express affection for and not feel as though he's dragging them down. You need to talk to your parents and have the dreaded conversation about when you can start dating and the parameters of those dates. My parents wouldn't let me date until I was 15. I had to go on double dates with the guy's parents, we had to be driven by adults, I had to be home by 8, and the dates could last no longer than 5 hours. When I turned 16, I was allowed to ride alone in a car with my boyfriend and go on dates with just him, but my curfew was 9 and I had to check in with my parents every time we would go to a different place. At 17, I was more free and had to be home by 10. At 18, 11. These are just examples, but it was an agreement my parents and I had worked out so they would feel more comfortable about me dating and I could ease into the dating scene. Don't get me wrong- it sucked- but it was worth it to be open with my parents about my dating life and have them more at ease. Have the talk with your parents. Learn what their fears are and why they are afraid. Don't be rude, but ask them what you can do to help them in that fear. If you can strike an agreement, then worry about your dating life.

Until then, my greatest advice is to respect your elders and to let go of this guy. No matter how much it hurts, your parents will love you longer and stronger than this guy ever could.