I need help defining this relationship

[KateMc]

This is quite a long story but I'll try and keep it very brief.
And I hope it doesn't seem petty that I want to 'label' my relationship, it's one of my smallest worries in the grand scheme of things, but being unable to define it in my head or to others does really bother me.

I'm nearly 22, and I've never had a proper boyfriend. I was never interested in anyone at school and had never had a crush on anyone, until I was 20 and met a boy at college. I had a massive crush on him for nearly a year and finally ended up having a one month relationship with him. The relationship ended because he moved away, halfway across the country, and it didn't end well, because he just cut me off instead of talking about anything.

We never really had any interactions until a month before he had to move away, then we hooked up at a party. He spent the night (didn't have sex) and from then for the rest of the month we had a pretty intense relationship. He slept over most nights that I was at college, we hung out heaps, spent hours talking, he took me to the movies, we slept together. It was all tentative because we knew he was leaving the whole time, but it was still an amazing few weeks and I was crazy about him. Just before he left he stopped talking to me, we had a big fight and he admitted a lot of things which boiled down to the fact he couldn't be in a relationship because he was too scared of getting hurt. He left and cut off all contact and I was heart broken and thought I was never going to see him again.

I'm telling you all this because I want people to realise that this was a one off thing in my life, and it meant a lot to me. It was very special it wasn't just something I do all the time.

... So then a few months after he moved away, he changed his mind and decided to move back to where I live. When he came back I obviously got my hopes up that something would start up again, but I was also furious with him and wasn't very nice to him when he came back... he didn't make any obvious move to start things up, and he repeated that he couldn't have a girlfriend because he was too afraid of getting hurt... so nothing happened between us.
Seven weeks after he moved back he died in a car accident.

As you can imagine I was, and still am, completely devastated and heartbroken because I still had such strong feelings for him and he meant so much to me... and I still hoped that we would get back together.

I have so many unanswered questions and am still so confused about everything...
but the question I'm asking is... I have no idea how to define what our relationship was, and what to call it when I mention him. It might not seem like a big deal, but it definitely makes it harder to grieve, not even knowing what our relationship was. And I never mention him to people I don't know really well because I don't know what he was.
I don't know if I say 'my friend died'... but he wasn't my friend, and that doesn't come close to describing how hard it was to lose him. He wasn't my boyfriend, we were never official and we were only together a month. When you say you dated for a month people think that means nothing but it meant so, so, so much to me. I don't like to refer to him as 'a guy I dated'. that sounds so meaningless...

I hope people don't think I'm being petty and see that this is just another thing that makes this whole situation so hard... and can help me figure out what this was.

[dem862]

I'm sorry for your loss. It sounds like he was important in your life and you want to honor him with a fitting description. I think you could call it whatever you want. He is gone and not here to argue about it. I think, in time, you may feel he fulfilled the role of a boyfriend, even though it was never official. The fact that it was only a month doesn't really matter. It was what it was. You sound like you are still grieving and I hope you find peace and comfort knowing that you brought joy to him while he was here. Thank you for the reminder that life is unpredictable and we never know how we touch another's life.

[Wakeup]

Yes, I'm sorry as well but you have to face facts if you ever want to put this to rest and be able to get on with your life and find someone who does want a relationthip.

I have so many unanswered questions and am still so confused about everything...
but the question I'm asking is... I have no idea how to define what our relationship was,

It was a fling. Fun while it lasted and now part of your past.

He was upfront and honest with you from the beginning that he did not want a relationship other then the one you enjoyed for a very brief time. You knew what you were doing had a shelf life because he would be moving away. So, if you feel the need for your own personal reasons to define it (personally, I wonder why you'd even bother mentioning it to anyone else?)Then define it as "You being in one relationship that ended when he died in a car accident. Period.

Don't dwell on what you had (or what it was). You have your whole life ahead of you with many opportunities. In time, you'll be able to tuck your feelings away in your heart so you'll be open to letting someone new in. My advice based on your best interests and IMO: Don't romanticize it for more than it was or you'll stagnate yourself from recovering from this. It's obvious he enjoyed your company so draw from that to help console you.

[KateMc]

Don't romanticize it for more than it was or you'll stagnate yourself from recovering from this. It's obvious he enjoyed your company so draw from that to help console you.

Thank you, this is really good advice. It is so easy to let my thoughts run away and imagine how things could have worked out or to endlessly replay the good parts of the relationship in my head. I really, really need to stop doing this because it's so easy to remember it as more than it was and feel like I don't want to be with anyone else ever. I'm going to try really hard to stop thinking about it and just accept that it's over, so I can somehow move on

[geminimoongal]

Good luck kate with moving on. You a girl with a heart.