I have made a mess of my life

[Onebigmess]

Ok, I'm new to this forum and am looking at advise as to what to do with my messed up life. I know this is long but I didn't know what details to leave out and what to put in.
Sorry

Here goes.
At a very young age I started dating my ex. I was only 14, he was in his early 20's. First big mistake. Being a kid with no friends and very low self esteem I mistook that relationship and thought he loved me which was good enough for me. Over time he got very physically abusive putting me in the hospital a few times. But of course, i kept believing he loved me and thus I stayed with him. When I was 18 I had a child with him. He was still very abusive to me but I didn't care anymore. 'My son loves me unconditionally' is what I lived on. when my son was a little over a year old my ex got physical with him. That was it. I called the police and left right then. I have never looked back. Never even thought of it.*

For a couple months me and my son moved in with my father (who I hadn't seen since I was a very young child). Everything was great. I was going to school to get my diploma my dads wife would take care of my son when I was in school. I had plans. I had dreams again.

And then.... I fell for another guy. Another mistake. This guy had it all. He had a great job, lots of money, great looks, and he thought I was the most beautiful thing alive. He was great with my son and really looked the part of the family man. Well.... A month later I moved in with him, quit school as I had no one to watch my son, and became the housewife. A few months later we went house shopping and bought a nice big house. 'perfect' I thought. Life is great.*

The next few years everything was great. My son was being raised with what I thought was important at the time. Money. He was the most spoiled child you would ever see. My boyfriend proclaimed himself the dad. He was and is very proud of him. He truly loves my son the best way he knows how. My son is a teenager now and still doesn't know that my boyfriend isn't his blood father.*

Sounds like a fairy tale doesn't it?*

Well now for the dark side.
My boyfriend and I have now been dating for 14 years. Everything I wanted out of life has and is passing me by. All throughout our relationship I have tried to talk to my boyfriend about my wants in life but he just won't hear of it. Whenever I try to talk to him about something he just won't listen. He refuses to change how he has his life planned for anyone. I have mentioned that I want more children, he says wait a few years. A few years later I mention it and he says again... Wait a few years. I mention it again and he yells "I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT". I mention I want to go and get my diploma, same thing. I want to Get a job, same thing. Anything I want to do in life at all he just won't listen. Sure I know he loves me but only how he knows how. I have mentioned going to counseling and he says it's a waste of money and he won't go. I tell him I'm going to leave if he doesn't start talking to me, he says to go ahead. We have only had sex about 6 times in the last 10 years. We sleep in different rooms because he says he sleeps better alone. I have been doing everything I can to try to make him love me like I believe I should be loved. I am just exasperated. He DOES love me. He just doesn't know how to love someone without using money to show love. I care for him a great deal. He is a good person and a great financial provider. But I don't think I actually ever loved him. *we are not married but we are common law married. I don't want to hurt my son by leaving my boyfriend, but I know there is more to life then what I have. I am also scared of leaving. Me and my son are used to a certain style of living. I know it sounds horrible of me but I have never worked a day in my life. I have always been a stay at home mom. I don't have a high school diploma and I have no work skills at all. And I'm in my late 30's. I just can't picture my son and me living on a McDonalds salary for the rest of my life.*

And then........ There is my best friend.*
He is someone I have known since I was 16. He was there for me when my ex was beating me (he even hospitalized my ex when he first found out what he was doing). He tried to make me leave my ex the whole time, I just wouldn't listen. I have always been in love with him (my best friend I mean). A true love. I can't even explain the kind of love I have always had for him. Alas, he has always been out of my reach. He is a real looker and even more of a charmer. For the last 20 years I have seen him date strippers, models, actresses, and every other beautiful girl out there. He was DEFINITELY out of my league. He was however, my best friend. We have always talked to each other about our problems in love and life. He knows more about me then I know about myself, and vise versa. I had never told him how I feel about him as I would never want to risk hurting our friendship over anything. There was only one point in time that we didn't talk for about a year. And this was because he couldn't stand seeing me hurting so much (this is when I was with my abusive ex). Well long story short (well I guess not too short). A few days ago we were talking like we always do and I asked him a simple question. "do you ever think you find your true love?" he broke down in tears and confessed to me that he has always been in love with me. *20 years of friendship and I never thought for one second he felt the same way about me as I did about him.*

Now my dilemma.
He has a girl now that he has been with for the last 6 years. I have a boyfriend that is raising my son like is own and has not actually done anything wrong to me besides not being there for me emotionally. I know I love my best friend with all my heart. I also know that my current boyfriend will be heartbroken if I leave (he has a heart it's just so far away hidden that I have never even seen him have any emotion, although I have seen him after he had been crying when i threatened to leave him and could just tell by the red eyes). My current boyfriend has done NOTHING wrong and it would kill me to leave him after so many years just because I have a different opinion of what love is.*

I know posting this won't change much but I am just torn at what to do. I have to choose between a great place with a nice person to raise my son, and the feeling I get every time I see or think of my best friend.*
Also, please don't judge me And leave hate comments. I Am posting this as a last resort as I truly do not know what to do to make everything right in my life. I feel selfish enough for even thinking of leaving my current boyfriend.*

[kageri]

You are an adult. If you want to go to school then go to school. If you want to get a job then get a job. Your son is a teenager now and can take care of himself after school. Your boyfriend doesn't seem to need you. You wouldn't be neglecting any duties so go do it. Then you'll see his true colors. Either he'll accept you are a capable adult and want things in life or he'll have a melt down and you'll see it's never going to work between you. or you can sit there doing nothing all day long and feeling miserable about it just because he says so when it has no impact on him.

[smackie9]

What is it that you truly want?

[surfhb2]

Just a short reply so I apologize in advanced


The 6 sexual encounters in 10 years aside... ...but why don't you help yourself without the need of others for once in your life and get out of the relationship business for awhile because you're not really good at it.

Wakeup will hopefully be around for some great advice.....she hates seeing women in your situation

[Onebigmess]

Kageri - It's not quite as simple as just going to school, or getting a job. My son has autism and i homeschool and he cannot take care of himself. My boyfriend is the one in charge of the money and refuses to pay for someone to watch him while I go to school, work etc. I actually think my boyfriend doesn't want me to be able to support myself in fear that I will leave him.

Smackie9- that's hard to say, I want to be happy for once. But I want everyone around me to be happy as well

Surfhb2- I realize that I am no good at relationships. This is the whole reason why I'm in this whole mess

[surfhb2]

So you want to leave.....what were your plans? Where do you plan to stay?

[Onebigmess]

Surfhb2- I havnt thought that far ahead yet. And I don't know if I can leave him. I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to hurt my son. But I do want to finally be happy and not just a drone doing what everyone else wants me to do. Even if I am selfish enough to hurt him and leave I would be scared out of my wits to be on my own as at my age I've never lived/been alone in my life.

[smackie9]

No I ask what DO you want.

[surfhb2]

Yes you have to be selfish because we're talking about you....not your son or your husband.

Could you live with parents or friends? First thing you need to do is come up with a plan. Honestly you need to tell your SO You're going back to school no matter what he says....it's his kid too. Second, stop saying you can't . Third, stop thinking about what others need or want

If every person in your situation thought like you, there would be none of these great women who have risen above thier situations and have moved on to greatness. The first Latina Supreme Court justice is a good example

[bcgirl]

The grass is not always greener on the other side. If u leave your bf for your best friend, it most likely will become a disaster. For the last 20 yrs you have seen him date strippers and models... Hmm, doesn't that tell u something about his character? The fact that he is in a 6 yr relationship right now and tells you he has feelings for you is pretty much cheating if you would give in.
If u are not happy in your own relationship, then leave. But do not jump ship and hook up with the best friend because of loneliness.
Maybe you should make it very clear that you are an adult and not a slave. He's gotten u trapped in believing that you need him for you and your son to survive.

[dem862]

You are in the stage of thinking about leaving because you are not happy in your relationship. You have no education, and you have no job skills. You have a son with a disability. Your first step needs to be thinking about how you will support yourself and your son. Does your country have a social security system for benefits for people with disabilities? If so, you need to apply for this for your son. If your son cannot ever work, these payments will support him even after you are gone. Secondly, you should consult with a lawyer to see if you are entitled to alimony payments. If you really are a common law wife, you should be entitled to financial support for being a housewife for 14 years. Once again, this depends on the laws in your country. You should also be trying to squirrel away some money without your boyfriend's knowledge in case of emergency need.

I hope you will be strong and not allow your best friend to become your new lover. This will destroy your friendship. You are lucky to have a friend like him. I am surprised your boyfriend allows it, since he is so controlling, but so be it. You will need a friend more than a lover if you decide to leave. Your boyfriend has some serious intimacy deficiencies. If you have only had sex 6 times in 10 years, that is almost unbelievable. Are you sure he isn't cheating on you? I think you are correct that you both need counseling. Since he refuses to go, I encourage you to go by yourself. Your situation is complicated and you need help figuring it out. Good luck to you.

[Onebigmess]

Smackie9- I want what everyone wants.... To be happy. But I don't want to hurt others at the expense of my happiness

Surfhb2- I know I'm talking about me. But what I do effects others.
My parents are gone but I'm sure I could stay with friends until I get on my feet, that's not a big deal. and I'm sorry I don't know what a "SO" is, unless you mean son and he never had a say in me going back to school in the first place

Bcgirl- If I do leave then it won't be just to be with the best friend. It would be to for once in my life to do things on my own without worrying so much about what others want of me. Obviously knowing my best friend loves me is a plus and I'm sure at some point we would try to date but he wouldn't be the main reason for leaving. Also by reading up a lot in the last few days now a have come to the conclusion that he (myboyfriend) may be an extreme narcissist .i am obviously not qualified to diagnose this but reading up about others in similar relationships points me in that direction.

Dem862- I will have to read into the laws and such for support for people with disabilities as my boyfriend has always taken care of the financial side of things. I know I'm not entitled to alimony payments or anything as years ago I signed a co-habitation agreement which is basically like a pre-nup for people not legally married. This documents prevents me from getting any payment or assets from this relationship for me or for my son.
I am pretty sure I wouldn't be able to save any money without my boyfriend seeing as I don't get spending cash, he only gives me the credit card for any expenses and I have to give him all receipts.
My best friend is actually the one who introduced me to my boyfriend years and years ago so he has never had a problem with me and him being friends. I do know he has intimacy deficiencies but he has been like that ever since I have met him. He is very shy when it comes to sex and i have never been able to help him with that.

Thank all of you for your help and suggestions. I do know it will all be up to me to figure out in the end but I truly do apprieate all the input.

[adalinaabella]

The thing is that firstly it is ok to love some one but I don't thing that you should have to do blind faith on anyone either you love the person more and more it does not matter.

[smackie9]

Smackie9- I want what everyone wants.... To be happy. But I don't want to hurt others at the expense of my happiness

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If you want change you have to takes risks, with risks, yes there will be someone getting hurt along the way, but that is the kind of sacrifice we have to make in the pursuit of happiness. If you don't take risks of any kind, your life as you see it now will never change.