My long distance problem.

[iamhopeless]

Okay, here's the story. Perhaps it will all solve itself soon, but until then I'm very unsure.

I had this very close friend who I eventually ended up dating. It was long distance, and we never actually met. We just didn't have the finances. And my outlook on life isn't exactly the greatest, no job opportunities in sight due to physical issues. We ended up not working out and she broke up with me. I was devastated, but realized she did the right thing. Me being essentially a bum (my words) was part of the reason it wasn't working.

She hated me for a few months, broke off contact. And then we became friends again. She apologized for being a bitch (which she was from time to time, but I had already forgiven her, I wasn't exactly perfect either). I know she regards me as a good boyfriend, regardless of us not working out.

While we didn't talk nearly as much as we used to, we have gotten even closer over the years (been almost 2 years since we broke up now). I know she really wants to meet me, still. Might happen in the summer vacation, but it's not set in stone. We've discussed this some time ago, while she had a boyfriend. We both know her boyfriend was quite jealous and wouldn't agree with it. but that didn't matter.

I was excited about maybe meeting her, purely as friends (still am, hope it will happen). But despite liking her as more than friends, I didn't think too much of it as she had a boyfriend.

Either way, during these 2 years apart I liked her pretty much the whole time, but moved on. Have had a few crushes, fell in love with one girl which didn't work out, tried to get back in the dating game without success. (I'm a bit shy and not quickly interested in someone). A few long-distance crushes with mutual feelings, but I didn't want to go with long distance again. They're not easy.
But for the most part, I've been trying to get control of my life, working on my health, sleeping pattern, etc. Working on getting some semblance of a real life. It has been paying off, I'm in a much better shape now, but I'm not there yet.
This trying to take control of my life is also part of why I don't want another long distance relationship. I don't feel like I have much to offer to any girl at this time, and I fear it might mess with bettering myself.

But then we get to the point I am at now. My ex and her boyfriend recently broke up. I knew it was gonna happen quite some time ahead as she told me she was gonna end it. Even helped her out by giving advice on how to be nicest about it.
However, now that she is actually single again it's like all feelings have come rushing back. I'm madly in love with her once more. We've been chatting a bit more as well, though not as much as I'd like. Pretty much every time I message her I'm nervous as hell, even though we already dated and have known each other for nearly 5 years. To my heart it's as if she's a brand-new girl I'm trying to get close to, to discover if she likes me the same.

But here's my dilemma. I don't know what to do. I'm crazy about her, think about her 24/7, and there's some signs (saying "loveeee yew!" on receiving my Christmas card, joking that I can force her to do anything, telling me that for me she'll make an exception with going on Skype despite her hating that program) that she like me still(or again), though nothing concrete. Could just be no more than close friend talk.
But this whole long distance is still making me iffy. Even if she comes forward that she wants to restart a relationship with me, I'm not sure if I can do it at this time in my life, despite my heart screaming "go for it".
Part of me really wants to tell her how I feel, and perhaps ask how much of a chance with her I have if I manage to get my life in order this year. But I don't want to make things awkward, and I quite fear her telling me that I have no chance.

Am I doing right in just taking it slow, not telling her how I truly feel?

[Boisdevie]

Oh dear where to start? Well you could possibly imagine dating someone who lives in the same place as you rather than obsessing for years about some woman you've not even met.

[iamhopeless]

Well, that was my intention the past few years. Just didn't find anyone that happened to also be interested in me. I get little crushes easily, but rarely act upon them due to lack of real interest and being shy.
And I still much prefer to date someone that lives close by. I'm not all that interested in another ldr.

I haven't been obsessing over her at all. I haven't had any serious romantic thoughts about her for the past few years, up until recently. Until recently she was just a very close friend. And while I liked her as more than just that, I never really considered us getting back together. My closest thought has been "When we meet and she's single, who knows what will happen?" But focused my interest on other girls, even if I never got anywhere with those.

[geminimoongal]

I understand how you feel. I would keep it going to see how things pan out. Try to be open with her but perhaps not come over too needy. She will know you like her through your emails. If you start on about love and being together from the start that would certainly put her off. Go with the flow.

[iamhopeless]

Thanks.

Yeah, I really don't want to come across as needy or pushy. If I shared my feelings with her it would just be asking if I have a shot with her in the future, when I get my life in order, get a job and all that. I'd certainly not ask her to date me before then.

Going with the flow is what I'm doing for now. Just checking if everyone here agrees that's the right thing to do.