What to do?

[mkmove]

I've been in a relationship with this girl for about 7 years. We have had some good times but also some pretty rough times. She has 2 kids who over the years I have really bonded with, they see me as dad. We have been living together for 5 years but have regular awful arguments. She has threatened to leave me more times than I remember and I actually day dream about life being away from her. Trouble is, when we argue and she threatens to leave I feel compelled to apologize and get the situation settled. More often than not, i feel like i want to be out of the relationship but when the arguments happen i find myself stuck back in the loop of apologizing and feeling bad about the whole situation. I would hate the effect it would have on her and the kids if we did finish and feel like i have to keep it together for that reason, I even proposed last year to try and make her happy but not sure I even wanted that. I worry about how she would manage financially without me and worry that I would lose touch with the kids (even though they are not mine genetically I see them as mine). I keep telling myself that it will end.... but maybe next month. I don't know why I keep delaying things but can't control it.

Any advice gratefully received.

[Scarlet_P]

Mk, promise me you won't marry this woman. She sounds like a piece of work and then some. I take it there is a silver lining?

Out of all the ladies on the planet, you can find someone better, who doesn't confuse you or make you dream of being somewhere, anywhere, without her.

I'm going through the same thing, but without the kids. What will probably happen if you leave her is that she will beg you to come back, for her, for the kids, or anything so she has someone to abuse or take it out on. Separate how you feel about her from how you feel about the kids. How do you feel about her, if there were no children involved? I know it's complicated, but you don't sound happy. The whole business of breaking up, moving out, finding a new place, getting your stuff back etc is an emotional and logistical nightmare, but weather the storm, my friend, and make yourself happy. Why endure an eternity of this, when there are so many good, great women out there? I ask myself the same thing.

I'm in Aus, and am about to clear out back to the UK. Just remember - what is right may not be easy.

[smackie9]

If she keeps threatening to leave, that tells me you are doing something or not doing something to provoke her, that and a lack of proper communication. You never gave any real details about what these fights are about, how they start, and when did this all start, or is this something that has been ongoing through out your relationhsip. Also, besides worrying about the kids, what else if preventing you from leaving and why didn't you do this sooner before getting so attached? I need more info so I can have a better perspective of what is realling going on. It's way too easy to say, just walk away...I'd rather give you more options than just that one.

[mkmove]

Thanks for the replies.

We are argue about anything and everything. Things like I am lazy (I am self employed so work silly hours and sometimes just want to relax), I don't show the family enough attention, I don't listen etc.. etc.. I am not saying I am perfect, we all have our faults but it's always a serious argument and for some reason I end up always apologising to just calm the situation and get some peace. When talk of her leaving me comes up I am torn, I worry about them. She is quite paranoid due to her upbringing, I cannot go out for the day without regular calls/messages, almost checking up on me. She thinks my family are against her (which I am convinced they are not) and when we discuss this I dare not disagree otherwise I am always backing them and not supporting her. I have become isolated and dare not discuss this with family etc.. Main reason for being here really. As I say, we have had good times but also plenty of bad. I am not perfect, who is but just feel like I am not to blame for everything. Some days I am hoping for us to have that argument that will be the end of the relationship, other days I love her to bits and want to look after them. If we split, she would have to find somewhere to live as the house is mine and I worry about that too. I would always want to help financially of course and not be out of the kids lives.

[Woods]

I know you want to stay for the kids but it's better for kids to grow up with parents separated who are civil than live with two who are battling all the time. I know they're not biologically yours, but still.

Separating is a big deal and maybe that's why you always seek to apologise, not because you want the relationship to work but because the consequences of it not working are too much. If this is the case then you're going to have to be brave and stop putting the end off. However, if you're not ready to throw the towel in then maybe try Relate (counselling)? Alone or as a couple, it may help you work out what you want and/or what can be done to help get you both out of this cycle.

[smackie9]

You keep saying you are not perfect...that tells me you are not going to change, make scarifies or compromise for her. You are an asshole and don't deserve to be in this relationship....you just don't want to do anything about it...all you do is say things to pacify her without any intent of making things better....she is right you are lazy....and she shouldn't have to put up with anymore of your bull shit anymore. Hun it takes compassion, and effort to make a relationship work....you fail.

[ivwiwba]

I would name your blog the dreamland! While Santa knocks at our door just once per year, you blog is open the whole year – wow!\

[mkmove]

Thanks for the replies and thank you smackie9 for your assessment of myself..... very helpful I have made many sacrifices and made plenty of changes, it works both ways.