Confused/Worried my "BF" wants his "EX".

[Mella]

SORRY FOR THE LONG ESSAY. I've posted on this forum before, about the same guy/girl and things have changed since then so here it is:


I met this guy on Halloween 2012 at a party (we'll call him John). He seemed interested in me and in November we told each other we liked each other and began seeing each other. He told me didn't want to label the relationship as anything, and wanted to take this slow and that he was just getting to know me, but we kissed and cuddled and did coupley things pretty quickly (which is contrary to him saying he wanted to "take things slow"). We began seeing each other regularly. Things were great. I really like him, and we never fought and had things in common. I'm not exactly a looker so I was really flattered when this great guy was giving me attention, and I obviously reallllyy liked him. He has met my roommates and they really like him too!!

Then a few days into us seeing each other, he briefly talked about his "ex". I put ex is quotations because they never really dated. He said he was in love with her, and crazy about her, and she was his first love (we'll call her Sarah). All his friends/family knew how crazy he was about Sarah. When she was around, it was like no other girl in the world mattered. He would shower her with gifts, and talk to her on the phone for hours, and remember every little thing she said. Apparently she was beautiful (she is like a super-model, even his roommates think she's hot), brilliant (has applied to med school for next year!), and made him laugh like nobody else. He had been in love with her for his entire university career (he met her in first year and we're fourth years now). A month before he met me he was teling one of our mutual friends how much he still loves her. But from May to September they had been fighting a lot. He tried not to see her all summer. She would say terrible things to him that really hurt his self-esteem (the reason she did this was because she kept feeling pressured to date him, and she didn't have time to date with how busy she always is with her studies. He had tried to kiss her a bunch of times and she would push him off and call him "sick" or "perverted" because she had clearly stated they were JUST FRIENDS. She said she would never sleep with him). So in the summer he began going out and meeting women, but whenever women would approach him he would say he was "emotionally unavailable" and wouldn't pursue anything. A few days after he met me, John and Sarah got into a huge fight and he decided that was the "last time" he was going to take it. He told her their pseudo-friendship was over, and that he doesnt' feel comfortable hanging out with her one-on-one if he begins seeing me. He also told her he fell out of love with her because of all the hurtful things she had said. She was hurt too because she really loved him as a friend , and they were emotionally close for their undergrad. It was pretty much like a relationship but without the sex aspect.

He deleted her off Facebook/Twitter (kept her number though, and still oddly has pics of her on his computer).

I asked him if he was over her and he said "well I have to move on eventually" and "that chapter of my life is closed" and "I'm done chasing her". But didn't really answered the question with a yes or no. In general he was very confused about everything. This all happened in November 2012. I also asked him what his intentions were with me and he said "we can keep seeing each other until April". (He said april because he is graduating university then, and so is Sarah). Since November 2012, they haven't talked. Her birthday was in December though and he wished her a happy birthday and asked how she was but apparently she ignored him, and he was upset about that. She didn't even wish him a Happy birthday on HIS birthday.

Well, we've been dating for 2.5 months now and things are going well! We've had no problems, and he likes me and says I'm not a "rebound" because he's not a "rebounding type of guy". But recently I found out that she texted him to have lunch with him and he said yes! WTF?? I thought he was trying to "move on" and had had enough of her bad words?? And why would she ignore him (COMPLETE NC) and then try to get in contact with him again?!?! I feel like if he sees her again after their time apart he'll begin developing feelings for her again (maybe fall back in love with her??)

Should I be worried?? I'm not sure if he's over her. And if she contacts him he refuses to ignore her. I think maybe he wants to see her for these last few months before they graduate? Who knows. But what about me/us? And a few months ago he said he can't see her one-on-one. Am I a rebound even though he denies it?? And CAN he fall for Sarah again (did he ever stop loving her) even though he says he's trying to move on and that she hurt him??

[basilandthyme]

Mella, is he officially your boyfriend at present? If not, I'd guess that he's keeping his options open.

[Mella]

Mella, is he officially your boyfriend at present? If not, I'd guess that he's keeping his options open.

Thanks for responding!
While he hasn't openly used the term "boyfriend" (because he doesn't like putting 'labels' on things) we are mutually exclusive. Our friends know we're together and we are physical. He just wants to see where things go, and take it slow. I don't think he's looking for a huge emotional commitment right now because he's really busy with school and I was ok with this I guess. He says he likes me.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

His not putting a label on things gave him an easy out in this situation. Up to you to decide if you want to continue anything with him. You sound pretty desperate, so I'm betting you'll give him a pass.

[Mella]

His not putting a label on things gave him an easy out in this situation. Up to you to decide if you want to continue anything with him. You sound pretty desperate, so I'm betting you'll give him a pass.

I can't just end this with him if he's seeingthis girl for lunch. Plus I really like him and want things to work. I'm just wondering if he can have feelings for someone after being so sure he is "moving on" and after them getting into a fight.

[basilandthyme]

I can't just end this with him if he's seeingthis girl for lunch. Plus I really like him and want things to work. I'm just wondering if he can have feelings for someone after being so sure he is "moving on" and after them getting into a fight.

Him wanting to move on isn't the same as actually moving on.

Moving on isn't cut and dry. It's a process, the first part being the desire to move on - then the distancing begins. What you've heard from him is the desire to move on - but it's possible that he hasn't actually achieved the desired outcome yet.

Do you have the expression 'fake it till you make it"? It's the same thing - if he tells himself something often enough, hopefully he will start to live it.

[Starnique]

Just continue playing your part. Seems like thats all he going to have you do anyway since he doesnt want to label anything. If you be cool and play your part, you may get something out of it. If so, you got a lot of time on your hands and your desperate.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're a dumbass, good luck with your situation. You will need it.

[Mella]

Thanks everyone!