Need a bounce or two...

[Native719Guy]

And no, I don't mean THAT kind of bounce.

I'm just looking for someone to bounce some thoughts off of - so I'll post in here since this is the demographic I want to hear from, at least for now.

I'm in a committed relationship, have been together for 5 years this year, and recently moved in together.

We get along fine - actually we generally avoid each other due to various interests, but I'm having a hard time discerning my own feelings for her in some regards. What do I mean?

Well, first, I'm very scattered about this, which is why I'm even here posting. Patience will be the name of the game here - I'm not unreasonable, and I don't go online looking for "instant results" - I just need to weigh all sides of something before I go and make changes somewhere.

We met online - eHarmony actually, and for all intents, it was a great match up. Our past is pretty well interwoven, and there's even some freaky coincidences (like the fact that her mom owns my mom's old car via a third party, we both went to school with each other's sibling, and that our moms were raised in a similar mindset (Pennsylvania Dutch backgrounds)

I do care for her, but as is often the case when folks move in together, the "real you" comes out and manifests itself.

I know that when she lived at home, her parents would work her to death - her mom's mindset was that if you had time to sit down and relax, you could be cleaning something. Both her father and brother have disabilities (minor in the grand scheme of things) and her family life while stable was very difficult to schedule in free time or "us time" between everything.

By moving out, she's removed herself from those situations, and now she can do whatever she wants here at home with me. That's great, but I'm starting to find myself either resentful or regretful that I didn't get to know her interests better than I have already.

I don't know if it's because of her lack of interest in what I do, or the fact that she comes home and plops in front of the TV that bugs me (I do enjoy TV every once and a while, and to be entirely honest, I come home from work as an IT guy and.... sit on the computer even more - usually after a workout before I get home) but she has no interest in what I'm doing on the PC. Any time I want to show her something I like, she does it because she loves me, but I feel like she'd rather just go sit and watch TV until she can't stay up anymore. She does knit from time to time, but for the most part, it's just mindless channel surfing. Her "thing" I guess.

I'm just not sure if I'm upset that she just watches TV or that she won't get involved with the things I like to do - I was grateful at first that I had the freedom I have in our relationship, but sometimes I wish we did more together, especially at home. And in all honesty, the "TV" is just a PC I put in the livingroom hooked up to a large monitor, so she has the world to watch for the most part. I'd love it if she'd join me in a PC game or something from time to time. She's always pressuring me to play board games (and I do, I rather enjoy them from time to time) but she won't play more than once with me on any given game - even the ones I pick that are easy to get into - Minecraft for example, or something else along those lines. She'll play backgammon against the computer, but never with me, and it's always been like this - not just since what I mention below)

There's no awkwardness when we're in social situations (though she does vehemently avoid Facebook or social media in general - doesn't even have an account) and seems to have very few friends (one that I know of) - she doesn't get involved with friendships at work, but she's not "cold" - she's very friendly, she just chooses not to get involved.

I recently had surgery to remove most of my stomach (heard that one before? VSG in my case) and while I've been losing, my interests have been shifting in that regard, and I'm finding myself (uncomfortably so) more uncomfortable with her lack of desire to do anything about her own appearance and health. It's been brought up many times, and she's aware of it, and I once told her that I'm honestly not finding her very physically attractive anymore. (Yeah, I know... but I felt bad harboring that from her, she deserved to know)

She actually pushed me two years ago to going to a gym to work out with her to prepare ourselves for our wedding and such - and I did, completed the entire program and then some - I even still have an active membership, she does not.

So as you can see, I'm all over the place, I just need some help getting everything into order so that I can make informed choices here. I do still love her, but my lack of physical attraction bothers me - I don't do things with her like I used to in the bedroom, or otherwise, and I'm tired of being like that, but I just can't bring myself to want to do any of it anymore - and we get along fine - the bills are split up or delegated as they should be, she helps with expenses and still manages to take care of herself financially.

I'm tired of trying to figure out if there's something wrong with me here, or if I'm just in a lull that will subside after a while.

I'm a little hesitant to hit submit on this, but... I need to.

[IndiReloaded]

I think in all relationships, each day and each choice means you are either growing apart or together. Your present trajectory is moving apart. Five years together + living together is long enough that you should be able to have an honest conversation about each of your needs. It may be that you were once compatible but are no longer. Happens all the time.

See if honestly expressing your needs gets a response from her. You owe it to yourself and her to have this conversation.

One thing about people is this: they never really change. If she loves you, she may try for a while to change her behaviour but since her motivation will be to make you happy (not herself) it really won't work longterm.

I suggest you find someone who you can accept for who she is and let your GF go to do the same. Sometimes, good people discover (or uncover, over time) they simply aren't right for each other.

Good luck finding what you seek.

[Native719Guy]

I'm going to continue doing what I feel is the right thing to do, and see how things work out. I have taken your advice into consideration. If things don't resolve to my liking then I'll find the strength to move on. I feel as though I could still put forth my own feelings on the matter - which I did do tonight and she seemed receptive. She does adore me, so that's in my favor. I'm willing to give it a bit longer, we do mesh well together. Thank you for the outsider's view.

I need to remember to communicate, and there's always room to do so. I know my limits, and I just needed a nudge from someone else to figure out what I need to do. We'll see how it goes, but your reply has given me some initiative that I believe I need to fully explore before I do what so many people do - everything (and everyone) is a throw away, there's always "something better" - everyone has their problems, if they can't be worked on... I feel as though I need to do a little more before I completely give up. Thanks for that nudge.

[stan92964]

I’m surprised after 5 years you didn’t get to know her better!
3 things here;
I’m wondering if you have a tendency to overthink things.

In every person there are positive and negative characteristics (no exceptions) we can choose to focus on what isn’t and miss the good stuff. That’s just a bad habit … and if that is the case, you can change that. It makes a huge difference when you choose to focus on the positive things and minimize the negative.

Dating is about having fun times together and it’s so common for people to get married or live together and shifts their focus to achievements, duties and accomplishments and don’t make ways to connect and have fun.