cougar needs advice

[updraft]

Hi people!

I'm a newbie here and this is my first topic into the forum. I need a bit of advice concerning my relationship with my bf of 1.5 years.

First of all, he is 8.5 years younger than me. NO problem. He is 26 im 35. He is a mature 26. I'm a young-at-heart and young looking 35. We met online and have created a wonderful relationship thus far. We are very attracted to each other and love one another very much and sex is not the issue.

The problem is I feel he is scared of committing to me. I would very much like him to, in the next 1-2 years, move in with me or vice versa. I have recently rented an apartment (I lived with my parents after my divorce) and he still lives with his (apparently for financial reasons) and I am hoping he will come over often so we can build on the relationship. We had 1.5 years of car and hotel sex and I wanted more than just weekly booty calls. I want commitment and a higher level of intimacy. Is this too much to ask>? I want more than 1-2 visits a week!

I am concerned he is a momma's boy (his mom cooks and cleans for him 24/7) and think he will always prefer to live with his parents because of the perks. I also feel if he and I do move in together he will expect me to become his *mommy* with benefits.

My other problem is a doozy. I want to have one more child before my plumbing goes rotten (remember im 35) and he is not ready. He says this is not the right time. I tend to agree. But is there ever a *right* time to have children>? As long as both people can afford to support and love the children, I say why not>?

The only thing preventing this, I feel, is the fact we are living apart. I am becoming more and more frustrated as the days go by. I am so afraid I'm wasting my time with him. Please any advice is good.

Thanks.

L.

[mhussain]

hi there L

first of all a request ...please dont phrase it like " when my plumbing goes rotten" ... please

u r not asking much ... is he the independant type or does he prefer to be served breakfast .... ?

intimacy and a higher level of commitment are ur right to ask for after such a long time and as u phrase it ... u have only been meeting in hotels ....

ask him straight what his plans are ... u want kids which is a great thing to have but not with someone who doesnt want to have them ... ask hime honestly and straight whether he is prepared for commitment or all he wants is sex .....

tell him u lov him and that u care for him but vbeing a maid is not included in that package ...

also one more thing L, never love a man who doesnt love his mother ,,,, so atleast he has one thing right...

best of luck and keep us informed

Hussain

[Only-virgins]

My friends tell me never to date older because the older girls tend to think they are smarter then you all the time. Anyways...on your issue...The answer is that I have no freaking idea..haha.

[updraft]

Hi Hussain;

Ok here goes: "when my ability to have children decreases or ceases.....that better>??

He is independent in many ways but does like to be waited on (ie: meals)

The hotel and car sex have been the only way we could be intimate (we both lived at our parents houses)....so yes I want to grow in the relationship and see if he and I can live together.

I asked him awhile ago about the whole kids and marriage idea and he admitted he wasnt at that stage yet...but that he wants to be long-term with me...he sees us together a long time....so Im a bit confused as to why he wont commit to me..do many men do this>?? I mean I am puzzled as to why a man would say to me "Do you want to get married...??" in a grocery store while we where on a 3-day vacation!!! And when I bring up the issue he balks. Very confusing to say the least.

I think he knows I will not be his mother/maid with benefits...wouldnt have the time anyway...

About him loving his mom thats great im not against that at all...she is a good woman I just dont want him to compare me to her later on thats all. My ex-hub did this constantly and it wore me down....

Thanks for taking the time to reply Hussain.

[updraft]

Well my bf has 160 IQ so I doubt I'm smarter than he is...better at english maybe ....

My friends tell me never to date older because the older girls tend to think they are smarter then you all the time. Anyways...on your issue...The answer is that I have no freaking idea..haha.

[mhussain]

hi updraft ...

thanks a lot for the rephrase ..

not many men actually know what they want ... from what u said ... he does love you ... and it certainly seems tha u love him ... so do ask him and tell him that u love him so much that u want to live with him ... and ask him whether he wants to do it also ... coz u want to live with him ... ask him straight ...

and yes constant comparisons with ones parents is so <insert profanity> bad ....

i really do hope that things work out for u ... best of luck ...

Hussain

p.s. its kinda strange ... when i wanted to marry the woman i love .. she said no ... and she is 4 years elder to me

[updraft]

Hi Hussain;

Is this really true>??? Do many men vacillate alot and could it be because they are actually afraid of getting hurt, whether it be emotionally, financially or on another level >???

Problem is, when some men do this to their woman, they drive her away since the woman feels he's being non-committal...I broke up with my ex-hub b/c he wouldn't agree to getting a house, getting a good job, starting a family, etc...so what happens, after the breakup he comes back bawling his eyes out to me and says his willing to do all that....blah blah ...aargh

"not many men actually know what they want ...... "

[Only-virgins]

Well my bf has 160 IQ so I doubt I'm smarter than he is...better at english maybe ....

IQ= Not correct way to measure intelligence and wisdom....but ok..if you say so.

[mhussain]

men are always afraid of getting hurt ...

updraft , u need to ask him straightup , coz if he likes u and u like him so much and he has actually once asked u whether u want to marry him or not .. i dont see why he is procastinating ... maybe there is a valid reason ... but he should tell u that reason .. and since he is not telling you that reason , u need to ask that reason ...

best of luck and hope things work out for you

Hussain

[indigosoul]

If you want children, and he doesn't, whats wrong with having your own yourself? If you have a home & a stable career and feel you have lots to offer a child, you should go ahead. Don't make your decision dependent on another person.

[bluesummer]

That's the unfortunate part of having a relationship with a man that much younger than you. I'm 25, and although I am lucky enough to have found a guy my age that is not commitment-phobic, many of my friends haven't. In fact, the ones who are married or engaged are so with men in their 30's. You are expecting a LOT from a guy his age, honestly, which makes it even tougher for you since I'm sure the 'ole biological clock is ticking. Let's be honest here.....he's 26, still living at home with mommy, and is balking at conversations of commitment after 1.5 years of dating? I think you are expecting too much from him. Either wait a few years til he grows up, or go find a guy closer to your own age who is where you're at in life and wants the same things. Him having an IQ of 160 might make him smart, but certainly not mature.

[updraft]

Hi everyone;

Thanks for replying.

MHussain: You're right I should ask him straight up why he's hesitating ... I sort of know why though: he says its because he has alot he wants to do before he thinks of starting a family...But I think there's more to it and I need to use the direct approach this is the only way with him....

Indigosoul, I hear you ...but the thing is...I have been a single mom to a wonderful daughter for 12 + years now and would like to have another child (I feel the maternal instincts and my bio clock ticking!!) with the father active in the child's life and in my life. I really crave the bio-parent-unit my parents had. My previous marriage ended with no children so I would very much like to try and raise one more child in a two parent unit. I am so much in love with this younger man that I want his child right away!!!!! I don't think I would be able to financially handle two kids *on my own* though, especially since my daughter's bio dad is a deadbeat who pays only when he feels like it.

Bluesummer: yes it is very frustrating being in this type of relationship, if it were the other way around it would be easier since many of the older men (35+) want kids. I really do feel my clock ticking and want my bf to understand this>! He says he loves me wants to be long-term with me, even once in a roundabout way proposed to me in a grocery store for cryin out loud!!! When I pin him down to answer my questions about having a baby, he clams up. I sort of feel if he weren't living such a cozy arrangement at home with his parents, he might realize that he has to grow up a little and think of other people's situations, not just his own. I intend on waiting only another 1-2 years to see if he matures and if he still balks at the idea of having kids, I will seek elsewhere. Can't wait forever.

[mhussain]

whatever u decide i wish u best of luck ...

may u have all the love u deserve

Hussain