please can i have advice. Answers from men and women please

[Stars323]

Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 years, its had its ups and downs but we got through it. he used to emtionally abuse me on day to day basis and physically abused me once. he put me down so much that i tried commiting suicde, now im ok, and i have worked hard to get out of my depression. I am now back to my old bubbly self, im just scared he will go back doing the same again, when ive worked so hard to pull me self together.
We broke up on september 2012 and went back out with each other in january 2013. he seems to have changed, its like he has grown up a little. we both had been seing soemone else in our break. He says thats how he realised he had been treating me so badly, and realised what he had and couldnt live without me. so he broke it off with this other girl and kept fightinging for me. Eventually i broke it off with this other guy, because i felt like throwing away 3 years would be selfish.

well anyway now that im back with my partner, im really confused, it seems like he is slowly going back to his old ways. and i might have missed out on a chance with a lovely guy.

my partner used to give me all these rules, how i wasnt aloud to go on a girls holiday, and he wouldnt go on a lads holiday either, how i wasnt aloud to stay in other towns without him, and he wouldn't either, and i wasnt aloud to work in a bar, the list goes on.
but suddenly when an oppertunity comes for him, he changes his OWN rules. every time one of his mates asks him to do one of these things, hes aloud to do it..and suddenly i am too. But i already turned down the oppertunity, I missed out on 2 girls holiday and now they are all engaged with children, now he has decided that he can go (knowing my friends are too busy). Im not a childish person, I just feel quite hurt how manipulating this guy can be, but talking does no good, he just keeps saying "well break up with me then". why is he so easy to let go, when he fought so hard to get me back? i don't understand!

The truth is i dont trust him to go abroad with the guys yet, because trust is gained, and hes broken it in the last 3 year by emailing about different girls constantly, And the emails were not innocent. Those were the emails i found, if he can say the things hes said, then what makes him faithfull on a night out.
He keeps saying i shouldnt be with him if i don't trust him, which is TRUE, but when he was trying to get me back while i was seing the other guy, i explained all of this, and he said he had no desire to go away with his friend as he wanted to spend this year trying to gain my trust back..so why has all of this changed?
I have been so faithfull, caring and loving to him, so why am i the only one putting %100 in.

If he couldn't be bothered to gain my trust back and be patient, then he should have told me he could, and promised me so many things, he should have left me alone with this other guy, so i can move on. Am i in the wrong here?

Im trying my best to make him feel loved, buy him things he adores, constantly tell him how much i care and love him ..he some how always makes it into a war by nit picking on every little thing, he brings up the guy i was seing all the time and makes me feel bad about it, when he did the same, i only tried to move on when i found out he was doing the same.

I have now had a job offer abroad and i really want to take it, its for 5 to 6 months away, and i could really do with a break. but hes constantly arguing with me, saying how he will break up with me or i will cheat on him, but i keep reasuring him. i just feel like if he had this oppertunity to work abroad it would be ok for him to go away and it would suddenly be fine for me to do this, but as he hasn't had the offer, im not alloud to take it.


he is 23 and i am 21. please can i have advice. not really sure what im looking for, just a little guidance i guess. Thank you

[smackie9]

No guy is worth that if he is an abusive, jealous controlling ass. You OWE HIM NOTHING! You are 21, you have to think about YOU and no ones else. This guy will only pull you down into a life of regret and misery. It's a no brainer, take the job and dump his ass.

***Giving gifts and treating him right only rewards him for his bad behavior...that why it doesn't stop. You give him no consequenses for the crappy way he treats you. You need to put your big girl panties on and do what's right for you.

[smackie9]

***Please don't have sex with him anymore so you don't get pregnant and really f uck things up for yourself.

[Stars323]

Thanks Smackie9,

he keeps saying that im making a big mistake, so when i come home he will be with another woman, and have moved on. and il be alone.

Im just worried, that il go away and wont be able to make friends, even worse what he says will come true. I dont want to make a big mistake. hes making me feel like im making the biggest mistake i can do.

I would never get pregnant untill i am financially ready and in a happy stable relationship.

[surfhb2]

Why are we having this discussion? You're 21 and have every opportunity to leave to start a new life.

The issues is you at this point.....what's the problem? You need to leave this guy and try to understand why you think it's a mistake and you won't make new friends.

[Stars323]

he keeps telling me i wont survive alone, im too shy to make new friends , and il come running back to him, although it will be too late because he would have moved on.. and makes me feel guilty for leaving my family. is it selfish if i leave my family and him.

maybe your right maybe it is me, i just want to start a new life so badly but scared il fail..it doesnt help that im being manipulated to feel like il fail.

sorry if im wasting your time guys. im just confused

[HeartIsAching]

he keeps saying that im making a big mistake, so when i come home he will be with another woman, and have moved on. and il be alone.

Im just worried, that il go away and wont be able to make friends, even worse what he says will come true. I dont want to make a big mistake. hes making me feel like im making the biggest mistake i can do.

I would never get pregnant untill i am financially ready and in a happy stable relationship.

He's saying that to manipulate you into doing what he wants.

He didn't change, he's not "slowly going back", he's just letting his true colors show. If he isn't getting counseling, he's not changing - he's just hiding it.

[surfhb2]

he keeps telling me i wont survive alone, im too shy to make new friends , and il come running back to him, although it will be too late because he would have moved on.. and makes me feel guilty for leaving my family. is it selfish if i leave my family and him.

maybe your right maybe it is me, i just want to start a new life so badly but scared il fail..it doesnt help that im being manipulated to feel like il fail.

sorry if im wasting your time guys. im just confused

Nothing in life comes easy and if you don't try you will fail.

Leaving your family? How does that factor in with him? You have no friends?

[Stars323]

not sure, as he doesn't get on with my family anyway.

yes i guess your right

he just rang me again, telling me how im throwing away 3 years together away to be abroad..

[surfhb2]

not sure, as he doesn't get on with my family anyway.

yes i guess your right

he just rang me again, telling me how im throwing away 3 years together away to be abroad..

Yeah....throwing away 3 years of emotional and physical abuse! Bummer for you!

Please just go don't look back

[Boisdevie]

Have more respect for yourself and what YOU want and tell him to get stuffed. Being single is a lot lot better than putting up with crap.

[phantom694u]

People really never change. You either accept him or you don't. If you think this is abuse, it will only get worse over time.

[smackie9]

Thanks Smackie9,

he keeps saying that im making a big mistake, so when i come home he will be with another woman, and have moved on. and il be alone.

.

This is typical tactic for an abuser to control his victim. He makes you think that there will be horrible repercussions from you leaving him, scaring you into not doing it (control control control )

Im just worried, that il go away and wont be able to make friends, even worse what he says will come true.

You feel this way because he has taken away any self esteem and self worth you have...in fact he has stripped it away. He lies, you can and will make good friends when you are finally out of his grasp.

[HeartIsAching]

People really never change.

This is wrong. People rarely change without external assistance, but they can change.

You either accept him or you don't.

This is not wrong. You'll never get him to change for you, nor should you try.

If you think this is abuse, it will only get worse over time.

Almost certainly true.

[smackie9]

Don't tell him anything...you apply for the job, make all the arrangements and then when you are ready to head for the airport, as you are walking out the door you tell him you are gone. Hop in to your cab and be gone.

If you tell him anything he will do whatever it takes to belittle you, hound you, harrass you any way he can. Possible truning into violence. To get away from an abuser is to make your getaway as quickly and quietly as possible.