Going to Therapist for Depression, mixed feelings...

[love&otherdrugs]

I didn't listen to my mom when she babbled on, worried that my depression has come back. I didn't listen to my friends who couldn't understand why I was so anxious and nervous about everything, but expressed concern for me.

I ignored my therapist's call when I missed my scheduled appointment, and didn't call her for 2 weeks. I skipped out on church, working out, and bought a bunch of junk food to eat and munch on while watching TV.

I didn't think my depression had come back for the sole reason that I couldn't remember how it felt to be depressed the first time around. The first time was when a friend of mine took his own life. Upon finding this out after trying to contact him for a few days, apparently I lost it... but I don't remember. That whole time was a blur for me. I remember not being hungry, and sleeping a lot. And crying, lots of crying.

So it wasn't until a few nights ago, when I realized it had been 5 straight nights of going to bed crying, staying awake until 3-4 AM, and tossing and turning all night, that I wondered if something was wrong with me. I found out yesterday that I missed the recruitment period for a community service organization I wanted to join, and I started bawling. It's not like me to get overly-emotional about something like that... that's when I knew I needed to see my therapist, even if it was just to talk.

I've been doing a lot of research since I was first diagnosed with depression a few years back, and am a little apprehensive about my meeting tomorrow. I'm not one to come clean about my WHOLE life and tell the small, intimate parts of myself. There's a lot of bad about myself that I don't like to share, because I'm afraid people will judge me... but do I NEED to tell my therapist this? Perhaps she can help me without having to share those details?

Have any of you gone to therapy for depression? Can you give me any advice on what to expect? Like I said, the first time around was a huge blur. I obviously got better, because I remember happy moments after that time in my life, but I can't remember how I ended up there.

[basilandthyme]

I think most of us would have bits of our past which we're ashamed of. My past certainly isn't stellar. And I bet a therapist has heard it all. Several times!

Tell your therapist that you're concerned about discussing and re-opening old wounds. Tell her that there are doors which you're really uncomfortable opening. Some of your past may be irrelevant and not need to be raised. But if there are other parts which are holding you back, you may need to address them and get them out. But if she knows you are uncomfortable, she can be more gentle with you.