Girlfriend doesnt want me to move to same city as hers

[Marco088]

Hi all,

First time poster here. Thanks for taking time to read this.

I am currently having an issue with my girlfriend of just over a year. We are both late 20's. We don't live in the same city, in fact, I live around 70 miles away. 9 times out of 10 I will make the journey to see her every weekend, which I don't mind doing at all, the main reason for this is because she doesn't drive or own a car.

Over the past month I've brought up the idea of wanting to move to the same city as hers. I like where she lives and it would also mean that I wouldn't have to travel anymore to see her, I figured this would be a win win situation, apparently not. She has done nothing but put me off the idea since day one. Instead of being enthusiastic and encouraging about it she has made several excuses for me not to do it including:

1 - she is scared if I moved to the same city things wouldnt work out.
2 - She thinks I want to move there because I love the city and not her
3 - She qualifies from her training job this summer and may or may not have to rellocate to another city. To eloborate on this one; she WANTS to stay where she is and even if she had to rellocate it would be somewhere closeish to where she is right now

I'm feeling extremely frustrated by the situation and am considering ending things because of it. It seems she doesn't want to take the relationship to the next stage even though I would be the one making the sacrifice and leaving friends/family behind (which I have no issue with doing.)

I get the impression she just doesnt want me there and we've talked about this several times now and yet I'm no closer to really understanding why as I seem to get a different reason each time.

I feel annoyed, upset, and unappreciated.

Before this we've had a good to very good relationship, but I do feel that she is unappreciative and feel I make most of the sacrificies (I do all the travelling, always drive us to places, often pay for meals, do nice things for her.)

Am I missing something here? Or is this something I should just get out of as soon as possible?

[michelle23]

Are you sure she has nothing to hide? This seems very strange. She should be excited if she really wants to be with you and she should want more commitment. How long have you been seeing her?? Were you always long distance? Are you exclusive? Does she make an effort to ring/text/skype when your apart? Is she affectionate when you are together?

[Marco088]

Hey and thanks for the reply!

I have asked her if she has anything to hide, she says no. We've together a year and 3 months now, always long distance, completely exclusive. She does make an effort to get in touch but she isn't overly affectionate when were together, I guess this has always been something I'd like a little more of but she just isn't the kind of person.

I guess I should say something else. About a month ago when we first talked about this city move, we had a falling out since we came to a disagreement. A couple weeks later I was using her laptop and starting typing in a web address and noticed that "Match.com" came up in the autocomplete list. I confronted her about it, initially she lied and said had a profile from years ago, but then she finally admitted that she went to update her profile a couple weeks ago after our falling out because she thought I was going to finish her.

Now admitedly she didn't contact anyone on there but she updated the city where she lives and the status saying "Im looking for a relationship". She was very remorseful about it afterwards and said she would delete her profile but I felt pretty hurt about this.

From the outside I know how this probably looks. Right now I'm at the point where I want to have one more chat with her about it to see if we can sort things out, and if not, I will finish it

[michelle23]

I'm sorry Marco, but that is a major red flag. She is hiding something and I think she is looking for a way out. She probably just doesn't have the guts to tell you the truth. Also her lack of affection towards you is something that will always be between you. You will always crave more of it and over time she will give less of it. And issues with affection normally lead to issues with intimacy..

It is your decision how you want to handle this and I wouldn't tell someone to end their relationship but I know if it was me, I would walk away.

Long distance rarely works and it is hard to trust her completely if she is miles away

[michelle23]

She should not be on any dating sites at all by the way if she is with you. All her accounts should have been deleted when you became exclusive. And her excuse-"i thought you were going to dump me" is not good enough. That is immature and selfish. She should have spoken to you

[Marco088]

Thanks for the reply, I really appreciate it.

And yes, your totally right, when I found out I was very upset and really there is absolutely no excuse. To be honest, I keep thinking the only reason she didn't contact anyone on there is because she was a free member (non paying) and didn't have the option to contact people.

I will be speaking to her later or tomorrow but deep down I know what I need to do. My friends who know about this have told me the same. I guess I just wanted to get an outside opinion in case I was being irrational about things!

[michelle23]

Stay strong, life is too short to be chasing someone and all the confusion and upset is not worth it.. Best of luck to you. Just focus on yourself for awhile. Spend time with friends/family, join a new hobby, take your time to grieve the loss of the relationship and when your ready to move on and meet someone else you will know it

[bleucandle]

Good morning folks, listen Marco. If you can restrain yourself from communicating with her for a day or two, and she doesn't reach out to you in that time, you can rest assure that you're more invested in that relationship than she is.

The problem that I'm seeing is a lack of decision making....I understand you want to be with her...but here's the score; the one you love may not neccesarily be the one you loves you back. Thats scary, right?

Well try a different approach. Don't contact her. See what her initiative is about? Chances are, you are mostly involved than she is.

Good luck

[DrDotPhillius]

Allow me to help you with your decision. This is a cold world that we live in. You are going out of your way to get closer to her. Your love is the reason as to why you want to get closer. She should feel the same but she doesn't. Instead she wants you right where you are; distant. People tell lies to mislead you from the truth, but actions speak louder than words. By the looks of things ill have to agree with the posts above; I think she's hiding something from you.

Put yourself in her shoes and ponder, what the hell can she be getting out of you being so far away? They say a woman needs two animals in her life, a stallion and an ass (a dumb ass to be more specific). No disrespect but which of these animals are you? I can't tell you to leave because all relationships are different. And to be honest I'm the fool in my relationship so I'd be hypocritical if I told you to pack your bags and leave.

So the best thing I can say is the worst mistake I've made was spending all my energy,love,money,time and opportunities chasing after someone while they looked for something better. Take your resources and invest them in yourself. You might not be a stallion in the sack but you can get you a car with a stallion on it. When and if you do I highly doubt you'll have the problem your having. And try not to be the dumb ass who believes someone cares when you choose not too.

[VincenzoG91]

Marco, this girl is no good for you. She's clearly cheating on you and lying about it. Break up with her and live where you want to live.

[Marco088]

I want to thank you all for the replies. They mean a lot and reinforce what I'm feeling right now!

[silvertongue]

Hey Marco,

I have no idea how far you have got with this and I feel I maybe posting a little late. However, here is my 2 cents worth.

Love and relationships can be a really serious game of poker and you have to know what you are willing to lose and gamble in pursuit of happiness. As with life you going to make a mess of it all and your only comfort is that you may learn from your mistakes.

A few questions you need to ask yourself here:

1) What does you gut/heart tell you on the matter (you'll usually find it's right)
2) If you decide to throw yourself full into this relationship and relocate can you foresee the worst and if it does happen, can you pick yourself up from it?
3) Do you know why you love her?

You could walk away from all this right now but you may spend years regretting that decision never knowing how good (or bad) this life with her could be. - My take on all this is that if you want make an omelette you have got to break some eggs, so better the devil you know than the devil you don't.

I would make the move despite her objections - It would be the quickest way the uncover the truth (I believe this would be known as calling her bluff)
If things don't work out what is there to stop you from moving back - You friends are truly shown when they go through the fire with you and still come out the other side with you.
For better of for worse you'll learn and evolve from taking the risk and uncover more about yourself than you would by walking away. - The quickest and clearest route to understanding is through conflict and struggle.

Not the prettiest picture but I think the clearest!

Best of luck Bud.