Dating question regarding adult kids

[Summerfly]

Hi, ive been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. We live together at the house I was living in before we met. I have a 15 yo daughter that lives w me. He was a 20 yo that lives on her own. She has a two year old. For the past four or so months ive realized that every Fri and Sat night his daughter goes out with us ( her and the baby and the live in friend/babysitter) while I didn't min it at first and didn't realize it. I was trying to remember a weekend night they didn't go or come with. My daughter has maybe once in four months because she has friends and school activities. They also go out to eat w us on weekdays which is fine it's the weekends I brought up ones and i wanted to go out alone last weekend He says they've been coming so If I want to have a beer then we have a driver and is doing it for me, we'll it turned into a fight and now he's saying I don't want him to hang around his daughter. I told him it's not normal and even married people go out without the kids. Now I feel like I'm the bad one and I'm sure the daughter will hear abt it. Is it that unreasonable to want to go out one night without the entourage?

[smackie9]

What came to my mind is that she really isn't his daughter at all.....but that's just me.

[smackie9]

Anyways, why not have a conversation about it with her. I think you will be able to find your answers there as to what is going on.

Me personally wouldn't be talked to like that, and no it's not unreasonable to want to have a night out alone together...there must be a reason why he is so defensive about it.

[basilandthyme]

Agreeing with Smackie. It's not unreasonable to want some nights out alone. I'd go as far as saying that you should be alone at least half the time. And I also am curious as to why he's so defensive and unwilling to go out without her.

[Summerfly]

I think the reason they go is for the free dinner / food motivated. I feel bad cuz when my daughters on her own in the future I will miss that contact but it's the weekends that were getting on my nerve. The week days r fine . I see my girl everyday so maybe I'm wrong plus it's not just the daughter it's the friend too. Maybe I think he shouldn't be supporting the leech friend also. And I don't see why they want to hang out w us every Friday and sat night! We have to go to places that allow the under age or with the baby. Even to friends houses they have came with? He said they r bored an dont have money etc. we went to a movie this weekend without them only because I complained last weekend for the first time. Last weekend I said I wanted to go to a bday party with just us and it didn't happen they came because it was a restaurant. This weekend I think they would've came if they knew we went out! I want once for him to say no . Idk I guess I'm being selfish?

[Summerfly]

Well that's the thing this just started abt 4 or 5 months ago. It's like he started it by saying if u drive us one night to a restaurant get together I will pay for u so that we would have a driver.. Then now she calls every fri and sat night to see what were doing.. Plus now it's with the baby and the live in babysitter friend . I don't even have a beer everyte so I will say we don't need a driver an he will say well I already invited them. I could care less abt the dinners in the middle of the week I'm just talking abt the weekend nights. They r like food motivated I don't get it .

[smackie9]

It's one thing to be raising a kid, but it's different if it's an adult child. It's not up to him to "entertain" his daughter. She took on the responsibility to have a child not him, she needs to realize that you have to sacrifice your social life and finances to raise one. It's just life. She's a big girl now, she can find her own way to find things to do without daddy flippin for the bill If she is living on her own she can invite some gf's over and have a pot luck movie night. I agree she has now become dependent on him, and it needs to be addressed. If he wants to spend time with his daughter invite them over for a home cooked meal on Sundays.

[Summerfly]

Lol well just to add her and the baby and the live in sister friend came over for dinner last night. Mostly to watch a movie but yes they come over for dinner too. So this weekend it was Friday and Sunday! Only because I complained last weekend did they not come to the movie with us Saturday night. Thank u I'm agreeing with your advice and I know he shouldn't be offering the entertainment . I've been there w a baby and being a young mom, and she is being dependent of this. I feel like Saying I'm dating you not all of the entourage. He won't see it this way. He said he was a little irritated that the friend always come now, I said I'm sorry I couldn't afford another person to support

[smackie9]

Well I don't think it's unreasonable to restrict the going out part. Maybe selecting different nights of the week, like coming up with "family nights" when they can come over to play board games, and have a snack, say twice a week, like one night on the weekend and one during the week. No more going "out" unless it's for "family" type things like ice skating or swimming, and that doesn't involve having drinks, going to a restaurant or pub. Once you start cutting all that other stuff out, the freeloaders will get bored and find other things to do.