Do you ever truly get over that one? Is it linked to self-esteem?

[MichaelH]

My short story is that I met a woman and had a super intense relationship for a month. It seemed really intense from both sides, and we were both saying we had never met someone so perfect for each other (we're in our early 30s, so we're not completely naive), with mutual declarations of love. Then, an ex appeared. We discussed the ex and "it would never work out between them", "he makes me so miserable", etc, etc. Then, she went back to the ex. We daftly stayed in contact for about 5 months after the break up - and so I kept this hope burning that something would change (she told me a few times she was still unhappy with her ex, now current partner).

Eventually, I said we can't stay in touch, I blocked on FB, etc, etc to try and stop me thinking about her, but almost 6 months after splitting (we've had no contact for a month) I think about her a lot. We work in the same field (we're academics), and I think she's more successful than me, leads a more interesting life (and if I'm honest, she makes me feel inadequate).

I've met someone new, and I'm taking it slow - and when I'm with them, I fancy them, I laugh with them, but when I'm alone, there's still a part of me that hurts over this woman. If you've had such a passionate relationship, and one that seemed so perfect, and with someone who seemed so objectively perfect (even though I don't actually like her), does it ever get any easier. Is the best I can hope for is to hopefully not be reminded of her? Do I need to work on my self-esteem? (objectively, I'm in a good career, good lucking, clever, people seem to like me, etc, but I feel a bit B-League to her A-League)

[michelle23]

She is not out of your league so stop thinking that way. Her heart was somewhere else thats all. When a relationship starts with fire-it normally ends that way too. Just be glad it ended sooner rather than later so you didnt get completely burned. Passion is exciting but it never is enough to keep two people together long term. Like all things-there needs to be balance.

Your pride is wounded thats all because you feel like she rejected you for someone else. Put it behind you and get on with your life with your new partner. Most of the time-stable, suppotive, loving is much better than crazy, exciting passion.

[michelle23]

Stop wondering what could have been-focus on what is and your future. If your not ready to move on-leave ur current partner as it is not fair for her to be second best-especially now at 30 when most women want to settle down and have kids before its too late. Be fair to her if your unsure

[MichaelH]

I've only been dating the new lady for a month - so it's too soon to see where things are going - the problem with the ex is that she seems to just be a better person than me - cleverer, more successful, and I think she dropped me and went from being "head over in heels in love with me" to going back to her so quickly, and I think so easily, and just getting on with her life, whereas if something reminds me of her, I can spend the rest of the day pondering her

[michelle23]

It wasnt love-it was infatuation. Look up the difference please. So what if she is more successful? That is not why she broke up with you. You were a distraction, an escape from reality before she ran back to real life with the ex-prob the love of her life. You could have been anyone and the only reason it was so intense was because it was a delusion and a fantasy..

Dont blame yourself for it. It wasnt meant to be and it would never have worked long term. Guaranteed if you stayed together another 6months when the infatuation wore off-you would have realized shes not as perfect as you thought she was..

Dwelling on something that lasted a pitifull month is not worth your time or effort.

[MichaelH]

I agree with you entirely, it was madness, it's just so difficult, and I think more difficult because it's intertwined with my professional life

[michelle23]

I think if its affecting you this much-you need closure. Confront her and ask for answers or else seek counselling. 6months is way too long to be so torn over a fling. And you need to put it to rest now before it affects your future happieness.

Maybe this isnt even really about her? Maybe it is just about you feeling like a failure. Perhaps you do have low self esteem/insecurity issues. If you think that is the case-definately seek counselling now

[Wakeup]

whereas if something reminds me of her, I can spend the rest of the day pondering her

That's your problem right there... You are wallowing in your memories of her, you've put her on a pedestal and you have made your thoughts of her and the pain your best friend.

You should really make a conscious effort to change your thoughts of her instead of replaying them on a constant loop. You've been your own worst enemy and you're being totally unfair to this new girl you're seeing if you're pretending to be into her when you're still addicted to your ex.

Do the work to get over your ex instead of putting so much effort into remembering and idolizing her... You'll soon be to the stage of indifference to her if you do.

I'll add: Do NOT open up contact with her again. You can't get closure from her, that needs to come within you and your acceptance of the end. You can't stop smoking if you keep having a drag off a cigarette so leave the no contact at no contact so that you rehab from her more quickly.

[pcmaster]

Yeah you have to work on your self esteem. I suggest you do sports(like gym or running. swimming) and it will get shit out of your mind real fast. When you in good shape it takes just a look in a mirror to get inspired and confident.

[MichaelH]

That's your problem right there... You are wallowing in your memories of her, you've put her on a pedestal and you have made your thoughts of her and the pain your best friend.

You should really make a conscious effort to change your thoughts of her instead of replaying them on a constant loop. You've been your own worst enemy and you're being totally unfair to this new girl you're seeing if you're pretending to be into her when you're still addicted to your ex.

Do the work to get over your ex instead of putting so much effort into remembering and idolizing her... You'll soon be to the stage of indifference to her if you do.

I'll add: Do NOT open up contact with her again. You can't get closure from her, that needs to come within you and your acceptance of the end. You can't stop smoking if you keep having a drag off a cigarette so leave the no contact at no contact so that you rehab from her more quickly.

How does one do the work to get over her? I agree I need closure on this, but I also agree I should not contact her. Would counselling help? How would it help? I agree with everyone that this is all a waste of time. I put her on a pedestal in terms of how she lives her life, etc, but at the same time, I don't even really like her. I think she's arrogant, rude, and she treated me appallingly

I do exercise quite a lot, and it does help, but not entirely.

[michelle23]

Counselling would help you to see yourself in a better light and help you to see others for what they are.

Rude, arrogant, treated you appallingly... you had a lucky escape. You should see it as a good thing.

I think you feel bitter, angry and hurt. Counselling may help you to come to terms with what happened and to move on

[MichaelH]

Counselling would help you to see yourself in a better light and help you to see others for what they are.

Rude, arrogant, treated you appallingly... you had a lucky escape. You should see it as a good thing.

I think you feel bitter, angry and hurt. Counselling may help you to come to terms with what happened and to move on

That is precisely what everyone I know says, and they can't see what I see in her. I've got to the point that I don't want to bore my friends with this (I've been guilty of it), so when I do get hit by something, I can't talk to anyone who will say "do you know what, she's not that great, snap out of it" which usually works.

Basically, she lied to me, told me she was single (I'm never sure she was), she told me this ex was awful for her, and she told me of this life that only made her sad with him ... and then said she was going back to him, and six months they're still together, and they've been on skiiing, surfing, hiking holidays together, and seems like she just walked back into her old life without a second glance, whereas I was for a long time analysing every email she sent me.

In December, she wrote to me that she had "all this heartache" and might have been better with me. When I asked if she was ok, and asked for an explanation - she was simply too busy to explain.

Although I don't know what goes on in her life, it all seems just so smooth and easy from the outside - one possible success after the other (although again I know she's not as good as she thinks she is), but she's pretty, she's confident, and determined. The last email she sent to me, after I told her I couldn't be friends, she wrote that she knew she "hadn't lived her values, but that was mainly circumstances". To me, values are what are tested when you're in difficult circumstances, and she doesn't "get" how she treated me badly (and I still lies to her ex about our relationship - I don't even know if he knows I exist)

I'm feeling better about things this morning. I was doing some work, and then I just wrote a simple list of all the things I've achieved ... and I've done a load of amazing things - why focus on this woman?

Thanks a lot

[michelle23]

Look lets just say she is a lying, dishonest cheat who made a fool out of you both and now she has gone back to her fake life where she pretends to be happy. It is all a front-shes sneaky, manipulative and not worth the air you breath.

Create this image of her in your mind and every time you think of her-think of that and also think its her loss, you are better off without her and you will meet someone with more integrity in the future.

[MichaelH]

That is what I want to do - it grates slightly, I think because I want to see the best in people, but also in admitting this, I have to admit I was wrong about her, and it's hard to admit to being wrong

[MichaelH]

PS, I'm reading what you wrote on the other thread (I should delete it) but I have to say I disagree with the time required to get over a relationship being a third of the time you were together. There are so many other variables to consider - how intense was it? Who dumped whom? How long was the full relationship? I've been out with women, ended it, and next day I'm absolutely fine.

In our case, we were together properly for a month - but by staying in contact with her, we've had a "relationship", where she kept me dangling for six months. We've only jsut gone no-contact.