Broken hearted... Confused...

[Mystical766]

I will start with a bit of back ground info... Hopefully make this as short as possible.

I have been with my bf for six years. We moved in together after 9 months, where we bought out first house. I have a nine year old son from a previous relationship.

We have had our ups and downs, mostly with my bf adapting to being a father figure, and all the responsibilities that go along with having a child in our life's. We did separate in 2010 for a bit, because he wasn't sure what he wanted... He moved out, but we still seen each other almost every day. He came back... And I was under the understanding then.... That he was 100 percent sure he wanted me.... Our family... That he would try harder to bond and spend one on one time with my son. He did try...

That year we took a trip to Mexico... Where I felt so in love.. So sure about our future. He told me on that trip he was going to ask me to marry him... But didn't have a ring. I tod him that didn't matter... And we went to the gift store. Where he bought a ring.... But..... That was where it ended.

After our trip... I would mention weddings... And stuff that I would like. Just for example... Someone getting married would pop up on the tv... And I'd say... Oh that would be nice at our wedding!

After a bit, he would grow angry if I made such a comment... One of his friends got engaged and I said... Oh they haven't Been together as long as us... And he said.... If it happens it happens... If I ask I ask... And he got very angry... I had thought we were on the same page... But it felt like he changed his mind.. And I was afraid to mention anything of the short from there on.

In the past year I have been through some terrible trauma, my mother passed away... And I literally watched her suffer... Watched her fade away. It was so hard for me. I lost a big chunk of myself. And I don't think he will ever understand how hard that was for me. I believe during this time we grew apart a lot. For I wasn't me... I was sad, upset, hurt.. My mom passed away July of last year.. And... It's still very hard.

I noticed that my bf was becoming increasingly less tolerant of me.. To the point where it felt he never wanted me around. With comments like... I am happy at work, and out with friends... But not home with you. There is something that makes me unhappy here... He would say. Never quite telling me what exactly. And saying he doesn't know.

He would go out with coworkers after work... To pubs, to dancing... And never invited me along. I know that he should have time to himself. But every time? When guys and girls are going? I could never meet his new friends... He never gave me a chance. He would say.... I want to go have fun and be myself. I can't do that when I have to worry about you. He would come out and say he would have more fun with out me. He left me home once when he went to a Halloween party.

He said once after coming home... I didn't want to come home... I really didn't. You are always so depressing.

I had good reason.... My mom died ! And the things he says.... How could I just push past that and be happy? Once he was going to the pub and said... Well you can come after... That way every one will be drunk and won't notice.... U can pretend to be some chick from the bar.

Omg. That hurt me so bad. He ended up getting angry with me saying that he is adventurous and thought it would be fun to role play... Yeah.... Okay for the past five years we never once did that... Or talked about that.... So I think he is full of it.

I have a lot of pain, he has said many hurtful things... Even to the
Point of saying he doesn't want my son... He isn't his... He can't bond with him... He always takes his comments back... But... I dunno.

So right now,, he has moved out... Kinda... He still has many things here... Still comes over every day... Still sleeps here sometimes. Says he misses me, loves me... Still kisses me... But... He broke up with me. Said that he needs time to figure things out... Find himself... That he feels he has been going backwards lately, and never does anything for himself. That he wants to get out of debt... That being with me has changed him into being a quiet person.. And he doesn't like mthat.

I really don't get it. I feel like a complete idiot.. I paid all our mortgage for the past two years so he could get out of debt. Only to find out that he wasn't making an effort. Still min payments. Where his money went.... Video games, eating out at Lunch.

I even took him on three ,vacations. Our Mexico trip where he said he wanted to marry me. And a trip with his friends this year, and Disneyland with me and my son... All of which when we fought recently... He said he didn't wanna go on. Sigh...

He denies that I helped him lay for some of his bills when he was short... I feel so upset. That it all was taken for granted.

Anyway. Currently he says that we don't know what our future holds... And that after he finds himself, maybe we can be together.. Maybe he will find out what has been getting him so down. He says that being gone... The little while he has... He is already feeling better.., how can that be? It has to be that he doesn't want the responsibility. The mortgage, the kid... Having to find a sitter, or doing family things... Or having to worry about taking me out with his friends. Etc. sure he likes his it e with me and he feels good around me. But what about all the rest. I want a family. He expects me to give him all my love. Kiss him, make love to him, cuddle him, touch him with love.. But.. I can't. I try.., but it hurts. I start to think why? Is he going to stay? Is he going to be the man I want and need?

The. I get scared, if I don't.. Then I will lose him forever, and it will all be my fault. I'll be alone forever.

I hurt and I'm getting depressed.. Please help

[picklepops123]

He's gone. He mentally/emotionally went some time ago - probably in 2010. The wedding proposal seems a half-hearted attempt - maybe driven by guilt for leaving you in 2010 or for the fact you paid for yet another vacation. Actions speak louder than words and his actions lately haven't been very warm or respectful towards you. I feel that the sooner you realize this, the better for you. You don't need to put up with any disrespect just because he's tried to be a father to your child either. Marriage is about being there when the chips are down and if he can't be supportive towards you when you are grieving, the writing is on the wall. If he's unwilling to see what you have done for him also then he clearly doesn't have much respect for you. As hard as this is, and as much as you have gone through recently, I would try to come to terms with the fact that he is not going to be the man for you. If he hasn't physically gone yet, I would make sure that he does. Being on a yo-yo like this is not good for you or your son and in fact is pretty cruel given the grief you are going through. I think if you settle for him, you'll be settling for something in the reject bin and I personally think if you ended it, you'd be doing you, your son and your self-esteem a huge favor. You will hurt, it won't be easy but I think if you stay with him you'll be an emotional wreck. The things he says and does could be seen to be emotional abuse. Don't settle for that, you're better than that.

[smackie9]

OK first I would like your ages, what you both do for work and are you getting some financial support for the son's father. And why have you both not sought out counseling when he came back. It's obvious to me the issue was never resolved. Oh and what province are you from, because I think common law laws may differ from province to province.

[smackie9]

Oh and would like a little more on both your dating experience, and what about your previous relationship with the boy's father. What was that like?

[michelle23]

He has let you down at a time where you really needed him. If he comes back i recommend counselling for you both to see if you can make it work.

I think you should focus on yourself-stop letting him get to you so much. He hasnt been there for you at all and you have survived this long without his support. Focus on you and your child. Try to get on with your life and try to be happy. If he comes back in the meantime, you can decide whether u want to try and make it work or whether you want to live your life without him.

Stay strong, you will be ok. Time is a great healer and who knows? You might even meet someone better for you if you try-someone who knows for sure he wants to spend his life with you and is willing to be there through the good and bad times

[Mystical766]

I'm 32, he is 31. When I met him, I was just getting out of my relationship with my fathers son. And to be honest, it was not a very healthy relationship either. He had major issues with pornography and cheating on me with girls online. I left when he threatened to put me in hospital... But my bf.... He was there for me through all that. He built my self confidence up, made me feel like I was a person again.. What happened to that man ?

My bf well. His ex gf, cheated on him... Broke his heart... And to be honest... One of his comments was that neither of us took time to heal before getting together. Yes I get that. But I had thought we grew as a couple... And left those big messes behind. He still brings up how she hurt him... I can't even text on my phone without him getting upset.

When he left the first time. I asked about counseling.... And it just never happened... Also recently when things started to slide again... I mentioned counseling... More so because I noticed her was getting angry with so many things.. We will be in the car and he will swear and get so angry at drivers... Even when they don't do anything... At least that I can see.. That if I say anything we end up fighting.

I once said that it wasn't a big deal that a vehicle was parked crooked.... And his response? Maybe we aren't meant to be.. Let me be who I am. I have to let it out. It's normal.

Honestly I have heard the maybe we should break up line so often... Every time we fight. He always takes it back and says he was just angry.

As for work. I work for a property management company, doing accounting and payroll. He started a new job a year ago, and is now working in the IT section.

I have heard my friends tell me I'm emotionally abused too. I guess it's hard for me to see. I always feel guilty, I still do. I feel like I did something wrong. Whether it be, being too shy, or having anxiety and not doing well with crowds.. Or not keeping the house clean... Or just over reacting to things.... His road rage... Asking him to seek help for it...

He says he would have tried counseling, but I was always pointing my finger... So he gave up...

I want to be happy... But how... How do I work on me...

[smackie9]

"He says he would have tried counseling, but I was always pointing my finger... So he gave up..." This is a type of abuse, it's called manipulation...he just turned the blame on you and I'm sure this has happened before to make you look like the bad guy. This is emotional abuse (yes your friends are right), and I feel he was doing this to his ex as well and making you think he was the victim in that relationship. This is learned behavior from childhood, and not from your relationship. If he isn't willing to get help there isn't anything you can really do. His problem isn't yours to fix. This cycle of abuse will stop only if you leave this relationship and get counseling for yourself. If you don't, all you are doing is enabling him to continue the abuse.....nothing will change. Remember it take two to repair a relationship, and if he isn't willing to work with you and go to counseling then you will be forever stuck in this mess.

[michelle23]

The relationship is clearly unhealthy and it sounds like you both have issues that need to be dealt with.

Focus on you, put yourself first, get into counselling for yourself. It will do you the world of good. The ball is in his court OP. If he comes back and says Im sorry, I want to make this work-dont just say ok fine-lets go back to normal. Tell him if you and he are getting back together-you want couples counselling and you want to go back to dating him again-taking it one day at a time and going very slow.

He cannot keep blaming you for something his ex did- he needs to get over that and trust you. It sounds like he is not really sure what he wants. Dont wait around for him to figure it out. look after yourself

[Mystical766]

Update... I started to let go... We didn't see each other for two weeks, I would message him once a day if at all... And then Two weeks ago he told me that he missed me and my son.. That he has been thinking of all the things we used to do together, how I have always been there for him, even when he was a complete ass. How much he missed my son. He apologized for everything. Said he never should have left, just needed space and time to think... But then added how I never give it to him.

He told me that he didn't open up to me because he was scared and he should have. He said his whole life he has been brought up to believe that it's weak. And he wanted to be strong. For the first time he told me he was abused as a child. That his family was always fighting , yelling and screaming.

We started hangin out a little. Went for a walk and to a movie. I told him I need time to heal. But that's miss and love him too. We would hug and kiss and cuddle like before and it was nice. He slept over a couple times, and I just held him...

Only to find out that he feels rejected because we didn't make love. He said I would start and then push him away. I never did... My intention was to be close with him. I honestly don't feel like I want to make love. I'm pretty sure it's because I have been so hurt..

Last night I ended up pouring out all the hurt he caused on to him....things he said he thought we were passed. But it all came out. Totally was not fair of me. But what caused it was him messaging on his phone. Instead of paying attention to our time together. My jealous insecurity came out... Sigh....

Now he says I'm not ready to move forward... And that I made him realize why he left. Because he didn't want to hurt me any ore. That he thought he was ready,.... But he isn't. He said he needs to realize we are not together.... And that we are trying to figure ourselves out... And maybe find our way back....

That seems like such a huge step back from what we were working towards the week prior. I started to have hope. Stupid me. Now what

[bearz]

You don't mess around with your phone and message other people when you are with someone, especially in your current situation. That's just rude.

And he either isn't ready for a commitment, or he just came back to have sex with you.

[smackie9]

There is that manipulation again. He is coming off as the victim, and you are to blame. And there you go again, being submissive and letting him make you feel guilty...cut it out. You need to get some self worth and learn that he is trying to put you down again, and get control. If he had any decency he would want to work things out, not dump a load of BS on you for rejecting sex with him.

[Mystical766]

Your right... He says that I have changed... And blames it on me talking to a male friend. Whom he keeps asking questions about. I went to high school with the guy. Not interested in him... But me ex keeps getting upset. That was part of our night. When he wouldn't stop messaging. Because I went and grabbed my phone too. And my male friend happened to message me. Me ex grabbed the phone to read the message... So instinctively... Not cause I'm hiding something I grabbed it back.... So. He was upset... And continued to message on his phone... Even after I asked him to stop..

I want to be a strong person. I want to believe we can make it through. But I don't want to always feel guilty. Or be blamed.. Can I change it