Don't know how to react

[Dabstar]

I'm not the usual type of person to post on forums like this but I've just had my world turned upside down by my fiancee. My fiancee who accepted my proposal a little over a month ago and who I've been in 5 year+ relationship with. Well it turns out the woman that I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with has been cheating on me during those years with numerous different people.

The only reason I know this is that she's been posting the whole gory story on some marriage forum, searching for some kind of validation from total strangers, and she was stupid enough to leave herself logged in on our laptop. Read it yourself, everyone else has talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/64310-undoing-past.html I've looked around there & even seen her showing off her brand new engagement ring. Unbelievable.

I'm devastated. Part of me is raging with anger and wants revenge, part of me is hurt and wants to know why and another part of me is numb and can't believe this is actually happening. I can't get over the fact that the woman I love/loved would do this to me & was willing to be selfish enough to get married to me with all these dirty secrets. I don't think I can ever trust her again, she's been away with her friends this weekend & isn't back until tomorrow... how do I know she isn't cheating on me right now as I type?

I've known for 24 hours now & I still don't know how to play this. She says on that thread that these affairs were in the past & she won't do it again but that's nowhere near enough for me. I deserve better than this. I've forgiven her once before when our relationship was still fairly new, I don't think I have it in me to do it again - I don't think she deserves my forgiveness this time anyway. She mentions cheating with her boss at work who has a wife & kids, I'm thinking letting them know what a lowlife scumbag he is would be a start.

Has anybody been in a similar situation and what did you do?

[Boisdevie]

Has anybody been in a similar situation and what did you do?

You already forgave her once for cheating which makes you a bit of a fool. What do do? Dump her.

[michelle23]

I agree-nobody deserves that. Shes a serial cheat and she will without a doubt do it again. I recommend you pack up her stuff, throw them outside and change the locks before she comes back. Then take a holiday-a few days away (or even weeks) if you can to process this and clear your head.

Stop all contact with her until your ready to confront her and take some time out to heal before you try to meet someone more worthy. Believe me you will get through this, you will be fine without her in time. You can walk away with your head held high and eventually find an honest women who deserves you

look after yourself and remember you owe her nothing

[Rowen]

If you plan on staying, then I only have one question: If she's cheating on you right now, what makes you think that being married to her will make her stop?

Leave her. There's a woman out there who deserves the love you're capable of and who will return it, full heartedly-not give out willy-nilly-to everyone else.

[Dabstar]

I'm not marrying her, I can't allow her the opportunity to hurt me and treat me like an idiot again. I couldn't bare to even look at her right now, let alone marry her. I want explanations though, I deserve that at least. I can't get my head around it, did our whole relationship mean that little to her? I'd have done anything for her - literally anything. I DO so much for her already, I love/loved her more than anyone else on earth. She's thrown everything back in my face. I feel physically sick.

[picklepops123]

I wouldn't even wait around for the excuses. What you know already is probably going to be closer to the truth than you will hear and whatever you hear will cut you up. Just go, and save yourself the pain.

[michelle23]

Dabstar- i think you need to take some time out before you confront her and plan how you are going to do it. Right now you are shocked and very hurt and it will be very easy for her to manipulate you in your current state .

You need to be sure you wont cave when she puts on the waterworks and tries to lie or swear it wont happen again etc.

She may also try to blame you for her bad behaviour. Dont fall for it. This is not your fault.

[michelle23]

You do need closer, and naturally have questions which is normal but stay strong and dont let her worm her way back in

[Wakeup]

I'm not marrying her, I can't allow her the opportunity to hurt me and treat me like an idiot again. I couldn't bare to even look at her right now, let alone marry her. I want explanations though, I deserve that at least. I can't get my head around it, did our whole relationship mean that little to her? I'd have done anything for her - literally anything. I DO so much for her already, I love/loved her more than anyone else on earth. She's thrown everything back in my face. I feel physically sick.

First questions, Why would you advertise the site where your wife that was to be is confessing that she's the skank that she is? Why embarass yourself even more?

First, calmly ask her to give you the ring so that you can have it appraised and insured... then when it's safely in your hands tell her its over and then never speak to her again. Make sure you get that ring back though, before you do any "discussing."

*Note: Closure comes from within YOU. No matter what she says to you, you'll not get closure until you give it to yourself. Get the book The Five Stages of Grief to help you through this.

[Dabstar]

I don't feel embarrassed, I feel hurt, angry, devastated but I've got nothing to be embarrassed about. There's a nagging part of me that thinks she sounds genuinely remorseful at times but then why was she going to lie to me for the rest of my life? I obviously meant that little to her or she's just the most selfish person on the planet. I can't believe I allowed this to happen to me.

I want her to hurt in the way I do, evidently our relationship meant nothing to her so material things are the way to go. I'm surrounded by her things that I've paid for, I've been so blind.

I want to give her the opportunity to come clean though, to explain why. What kind of person does what she does? How do I fall in love with that person and be in a relationship with her for so long? I've never felt like this before, I need answers from her.

[Wakeup]

You should be embarassed. I'd thinkg that most men (or women) wouldn't want the details of their SO's infidelites to be shared with the world.

I need answers from her.

let us know what she says. It will be interesting to see if you believe her now when she's so untrustworthy. Personally, anything she had to say would be totally unbelievable to me. How can you believe anything that comes out of her mouth?

Get the ring.

[Dabstar]

Maybe you're right though thinking about it, she's the only person (family excepted) who I've ever loved - how pathetic is that?

I need to work out what I'm doing before I see her tomorrow.

And yes, you're right about the ring. Thanks.

[michelle23]

If you want to hurt her-just say you dont love her anymore, dont want to marry her and she has 24hours to get her stuff outa your house and dont come back. Dont even tell her you know what she did. Thats bound to hurt

[Dabstar]

You should be embarassed. I'd thinkg that most men (or women) wouldn't want the details of their SO's infidelites to be shared with the world.

The whole point of posting on here was so that I could voice my situation openly to people who I don't know in an anonymous fashion. That thread is a pretty massive part of the situation.

If you want to hurt her-just say you dont love her anymore, dont want to marry her and she has 24hours to get her stuff outa your house and dont come back. Dont even tell her you know what she did. Thats bound to hurt

Thanks Michelle. I really don't know what I want at this moment in time, I'm going to try and sleep on it & see how I'm feeling tomorrow morning.

[michelle23]

Stay strong OP. This situation is my worst nightmare-i feel for you. Take care of yourself and decide how to proceed in the morning. If you have work-definately call in sick for a few days