Back in the dating pool after 5 years need advice.

[FlaCooln]

I figured since this is my first thread (other than the introduction section one) I would tell you a bit about myself, as how can you give advice w/o a little background…

I am a 31 year old male and I love life, my family, and my job. I am in pretty good shape and have my shit together. I have a great job and only work 3-4 days a week. I have never been married and do not have any kids. I broke up with my GF of almost 5 years about 7 months ago. I had the money saved for a nice ring and before I bought the ring I asked her to move in with me, which she did. After living together for a year I realized I loved her, but had this feeling that I wanted more and was not "in love with her." A few more months went by and I felt it was not right and I would be settling, so I ended it. I now know what I want in a woman more than ever.

I am looking to meet a nice/fun woman and hopefully start up a meaningful relationship. The problem is I have no frame of reference for the “in” or the initial meet of women anymore. All my past relationships have been when I was in college/law school. When in school it was so easy to meet women as they were in my classes, at parties, and I had a much larger social circle. Forward to now and I don’t have that easy access to pools of available women and that “in” to talk to them, whether from a friend, class, etc. My problem is just the getting that initial in to talk to women, as I am not really one to just randomly talk to women I don’t know (unless I get the vibe or smile to come over).

I have tried the club/bar thing and it is either too loud to have a decent conversation or the women are drunk/easy and WAY too quick to jump in the sack. I want a respectable and intelligent woman, who can keep up with me both mentally and physically. And no I am not shy nor do I have a problem talking to women once we get talking.

Basically, how do I get my “in” and not come off as one of those desperate guys that jumps and hits on everything that walks by?

And any other advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[basilandthyme]

Two of my friends - both highly intelligent and respectable - met on an internet dating site. Now happily married with two kids.

Internet dating is probably the route I'd choose if I were single again. It's come a long way in terms of being socially acceptable. My only advice would be to not waste too much time emailing before meeting and limit yourself to local people. Long distance is the route to heartache.

[bearz]

I'm in a similar situation as you, even same age, just completely different personality. I have been thinking about trying online dating as well. My brother met his wife online and they have been married for almost 5 years now, so it definitely can work. I agree with basilandthyme to not spend too much time talking to each other before the first meeting, it could give you a wrong impression of the other person and give you false hopes and expectations.

[michelle23]

When you say that "in love feeling" what exactly do you mean? Just out of curiosity.

[FlaCooln]

When you say that "in love feeling" what exactly do you mean? Just out of curiosity.

Well you can love someone w/o being in love with them. Maybe care for would have been a better choice of words. I guess w/My exGF I just fell out of love with her.

After a year of living together it became clear that I was bored with her mentally and socially. She was lazy and too tired to go out to even a movie much of the time. Sex was good, but after she always just passed out cold. Maybe I am weird, but sex invigorates me. I had to do all the shopping, cooking, and most of the laundry. I love to cook and am very good at it, so she wouldnt make an effort to make a meal. At 1st I didn't mind doing most of the household work because I loved her and did it for her. And in case your wondering, I did talk to her about it many times as I am not one to hide my feelings.

[dem862]

You could also try meetup dot com. If your area is large enough there are multiple activities every night of the week. Just put in your zip code and gatherings come up within a multiple mile radius. There is everything from hikes to movies to board games. You can get to know people by seeing them multiple times and you can always talk about whatever the meetup was about. There are usually many more women than men doing this, and the majority are single.

[FlaCooln]

Thanks for the suggestions so far. Dem...I am and that sounds like a great idea.

[michelle23]

Thanks for explaining was just double checking you didnt make a big mistake that you might regret one day- but it sounds like you prob made thr right choice.

Ps-lots of people want to sleep after sex-its normally men tho lol

[FlaCooln]

Thanks for explaining was just double checking you didnt make a big mistake that you might regret one day- but it sounds like you prob made thr right choice.

Ps-lots of people want to sleep after sex-its normally men tho lol

Lol I knew I was weird like that. Oh and in no way am I regretting the break up. Once it was over and she moved out I felt a huge relief that it was finally over. She just never made me feel appreciated for all things I did for her. I'm the kind of person who doesn't just give flowers or jewelry on special occasions...I think the little things you do day to day like making a romantic dinner, giving her a massage, and just caring about her day and listening to her mean much more than some material thing. She almost never did the little things.

I am much happier now, love my life, and just want a nice girl to enjoy life with who does not take me for granted.

[FlaCooln]

I figured I would update my thread and let you know how it is going....

I decided to try online dating. I started with POF (Plenty of Fish) since it is free and was on it for all of an hour. Not my cup of tea. Seemed it should be named Plenty of ****. It seemed a bit trashy to me and more about hooking up then finding someone. I looked through a few profiles and was kind of appalled actually, most were not very attractive, desperate, and revealing way too much (aka slutty). Then women started messaging me farily quickly. It kind of felt like the fast food of dating....you can eat it, but its not what you really want and you feel gross afterwards. So POF is not for me. But, it gave me a good laugh.

After that fruitless attempt, I manned up and joined Match. Much more my speed and there seems to be a lot of attractive single women. I have been on for a few days and a few of the more desperate women have emailed me or winked me. But, nothing that I want to pursue as they are either unattrative, look very plain and boring, or have a pretty face but a bit to "full figured" for me. I realized that the good looking women probably get flooded with suitors. I figured emailing them is better then winking, so I emailed a few that caught my eye. No responses yet, but it has only been 2 days. I try to say something witty and comment on their profile about what we have in common.

I was just reading about the Stir Events and many women are complaining that it is like a 7th grade dance and most of the men are too shy to approach the women. I think I'm going to go to an event, as I am definitely not shy and knowing that women are single I have no reason not to approach them. In my past experience once I get a woman talking I have no problem maintaining a conversation and getting her to laugh. Also, with a bunch of shy insecure guys around should make me look even better.

[michelle23]

I am not sure that online dating would be the best thing for you. You know what you want. Would it not be better to just get out more in your local area? Join a few different hobbies. Meet new people.


You probably have a 10% chance of meeting someone "normal" online but a much higher chance by getting out meeting real people that you can get to no face-face so it be harder for them to BS you or make you think they are something there not.

Lots of dodgy people on the internet.

You sound confident with a lot to offer a woman so I'm sure any girl would be lucky to have you. It would probably be a lot easier to start talking to a girl in a bar and ask her for her number than sifting through all the garbage online and only finding one decent person out of every 100.

[FlaCooln]

I am not sure that online dating would be the best thing for you. You know what you want. Would it not be better to just get out more in your local area? Join a few different hobbies. Meet new people.


You probably have a 10% chance of meeting someone "normal" online but a much higher chance by getting out meeting real people that you can get to no face-face so it be harder for them to BS you or make you think they are something there not.

Lots of dodgy people on the internet.

You sound confident with a lot to offer a woman so I'm sure any girl would be lucky to have you. It would probably be a lot easier to start talking to a girl in a bar and ask her for her number than sifting through all the garbage online and only finding one decent person out of every 100.

I am out in my local area. Just where I live is VERY superficial and it is hard to meet women at a loudass bar. Of course I try and have met a few. But, no connection as I have been running into a lot of pretty women that are not up to my speed mentally or as soon as they hear what I do for a living I get this gold digger vibe from them.

[michelle23]

Dont tell them what you do. Pretend your poor

[FlaCooln]

LOL, well I don't offer up the information. They ask and I am not into lying/pretending as that will only backfire down the road. I am not rich by any means. I just do well for my age and have a lot of potential/ambition to do even better. I guess many people in this bad economy have it hard, I am lucky to have a good/fun job.

[pcmaster]

I think the problem are not in women but in a fact that you dont exactly know what are you looking for. As soon as you know it you will find it. When you know what kind of girl and life you want you will start attract that kind of women.