I don't know what to do anymore

[scott28]

Hi guys,

I have a major problem and i just do not know what to do anymore. It all stems from the fact that i come from a jewish family. My parents aren't the most religious people in the world but they believe that i have to marry a jewish girl or everything they have done for me has been a waste of time and they have failed as parents. My mum is definitely the most religious out of the two and makes sure the whole family does what she wants. Dad on the other hand thinks like me that its all a load of rubbish but believes in the cultural side of things. So at first my plan was to marry a jewish girl and not to disobey my parents as it would have been the easiest thing to do.
However i seem to have done the exact opposite by falling in love with a girl i work with.

She is amazing, just amazing. Shes funny, beautiful, smart and basically everything you could want in a girl. There are two problems though. Firstly she isn't jewish which is the biggest problem (she is atheist). Secondly i work with her which is made worse because its my dads business. Because of this we have been secretly seeing eachother for the past year. We both knew it was wrong really because of all the problems that may happen in the future but we just couldnt help how we felt. She's my best friend and things just went further than we first thought. We didn't mean to do any of this behind anyones backs, and we apologised for this, but we couldnt help how we felt and didnt want people to judge as what is happening now. Plus of course i didnt want it to interfere with the business itself. We knew one day that we would have to tell everyone what was happening but we were dreading the day.

Fast forward to last week and i go downstairs for breakfast and my mum is waiting for me to come down. All of a sudden she drops a bombshell saying "Have you been seeing Karen?". All of a sudden im thinking what the hell and i panicked and said no. She then says she went through my room and found a christmas card from her which mentioned how long we had been seeing eachother for. For some reason my first reaction wasnt to shout and tell her what was she doing going through my personal belongings!! I mean I hid the cards under my sock draw, like under the unit itself, so she must have taken apart my room to get there. However i just told her the truth and how i felt about her. I knew what was going to happen because she started telling me how dissapointed she was of me and how she couldnt believe i had lied to her for so long. When i told her that i had to keep it a secret because of all the reasons, she just said you should have stopped it ages ago and things wouldnt have got so bad as they are now. She carried on by saying:

• relationships between jews and non jews never work out (i have examples of my own where jewish marriages do not work! My aunt recently divorced her husband becuase he cheated on her!)
• she gave up everything for me including her career so she could raise me to be a good jew (that was her choice and not mine - i appreciate it but shouldnt i be able to make my own choices)
• if i was to carry on seeing her it would be like stabbing her in the chest and it would destroy the family (i thought thats a bit of an overreaction! im not going to stop being jewish!)
• i havent tried hard enough to marry a jew (perhaps this is true although i did spend a year on a jewish dating website with no luck)
• she said non jewish girls love jews as they are such a catch and are therefore easy (basically saying all other girls are sluts)
• my older brother and younger sister will think its ok to date a non jew (my brother is a year older than me and still hasnt had a girlfriend and hes 26. Im 25.)
• if we have children then the child isnt jewish and she wont accept the child and all she has ever wanted was to look after my grandkids (i told her im not even thinking about that right now - and id raise any kid to know my background and they can make their own minds up)

At this point i was pretty much in tears because i knew i had upset her but i love my girlfriend so much. She left me by saying its "your choice what you do but i will never accept her". She was basically saying its either her or them. That day not mum or dad spoke to me even though i tried to call quite a few times. When i came home they just ignored me as if i had just murdered a puppy. The next day i went to work and called home as it was their days off and explained how i felt. Dad started talking and was dissapointed in how i not only lied but was seeing this girl from the shop where he works and how uncomfortable it makes him feel. I could understand that but i told him that we didnt mean for it to happen but it just did. But then dad carried on by saying:

• relationships between jews and non jews never work and gave me examples from family and friends that have gone through what i am going through
• he started talking about how our culture and everyone elses just doesnt mix and how we have nothing in common. (we have everything in common apart from religion)
• we could be half way across the world and meet a jew and we would instantly have some connection. (i personally dont care about that - its not important to me like it is to him)

He then said i've never had to work for anything my whole life as its always been handed to me on a plate. Which to a degree is true as i have lived at home my whole life and having finished university dad got me to work with him as i was being pretty lazy looking for a job. I accept that because im quite laid back and im not as motivated as a stereotypical jew. So to them what i have done is slap everything back in their face. But that isnt how it is and ive tried explaining that to them countless times but they just wont listen! Its very hard to talk to them because they gang up on me and dont want to see things any other way. Ive also tried to speak to them seperately and sometimes i feel like im getting somewhere when i do that, but later they will start talking to eachother again and go back to thinking im the puppy murderer. But last night was particularly bad because i could hear them talking about me and heard my dad say that if i bring up this subject with them one more time he will kick me out of the house and out of a job.

My girlfriend has been very sympathetic to me but i feel so guilty for her. Im dragging her through this because i dont know what to do. Her parents are very good people and they said i could live with them should anything happen. My girlfriend offered to convert at first but decided against it as its not who she is and you can only actually convert if you want to be jewish, not because you want to be with someone (plus it takes 3 years).

So thats my problem. Its a horrendous situation because i know i want to be with her and she is perfect for me but my parents hate the idea. They are being such hypocrites too because when they were my age they had a non jewish boyfriend and girlfriend too. Dads relationship with a girl lasted for 2 years before he decided he wanted to marry someone jewish! When i said let me do what you have been through and let me make up my mind, they just said im wasting my time and should dump her. The more they want me to dump her the more i want to be with her. Surely they should love me unconditionally because at the moment i dont feel like they do. They seem more worried with their own lives and how people will look at them, as if they have failed as jewish parents. If i choose her I will lose everything else which isnt what i want because i feel like there would be irrepairable damage caused, even though they are pushing me that way. If i choose my family then i will lose the girl that i love and i will forever look back wondering and resenting my parents. Im 25! Surely they should leave me to make my own decisions without hating my guts. Im not abandoning them!

Any help and advice would be really appreciated. I just feel sick and i cant sleep now! Plus i can sense it affecting my relationship with my girlfriend as this is all we ever talk about now! She has started looking for a new job now too.

Thank you!!

[michelle23]

I think this is a horrible situation for you to be in and I feel very sorry for you.

Parents are supposed to teach their children their beliefs, culture etc to a certain point but then they have to accept that you are an individual with your own mind and it is ultimately your decision who you marry. You cannot help who you fall in love with and as long as you have the same morals and values and life goals as her-any marriage can work. You need to tell your parents that you respect them and their beliefs but it is your life and your heart and you need to do what you feel is best for you and if they cannot accept that and they want to push you out because of it-that will be their fault and their choice-not yours as you want to have a relationship with them and this girl that you love.

Ask them to give her a chance-tell them all the things you said here- how great she is and how she makes you feel and even if you try-you cannot just stop loving her.

And if you had "everything handed to you on a plate" that is their fault-not yours! They are just being petty saying things like that.

You are a grown man, 25 years old and it is your choice who you marry. Nobody can make that decision for you. Tell your parents that if they love you, they will give your girlfriend a chance and try to get to know her for who she is. She is a lovely person-has not done anything wrong and does not deserve to be treated this way. They need to at least try or the damage this will create between you and your parents will never go away.

You could suggest counselling for you and your mother to attend together so you can discuss everything in a mutual environment with a non-biased person

[VincenzoG91]

Tell your parents to stop being hypocritical bigots. Every organized religion is an arbitrary construct used to control people. I grew up as an atheist living in an area with a lot of Jewish people, and several of my Jewish friends and acquaintances were either atheists or agnostics who just went along with the traditions because they were raised that way. A common reference point was the Holocaust. They didn't feel that Jehovah would have let that happen if he really existed.

Anyway, your love is your love, and it won't be bound by some artificial thing like religion. Ask your parents if they would rather see you marry a woman that you love, or marry someone that you don't love just for the sake of a dusty old book. Regardless of their answer, do what's in your heart. You're an adult now and free to make major decisions for yourself.

[FlaCooln]

Sackup man...take control of your life. Tell your parents that they are not some fuedal lords that can tell you who to marry. Love is blind and if you don't follow your heart you will not be happy. Ask your parents whats more important you being happy or you marring a jew because of tradition?

NEVER break up with someone for your parents, that is a horrible reason. You sound like you love your GF, so fight for her. If your parents still don't understand tell them you love them, but you have to follow your heart and do whats best for you. They are your parents and they will understand eventually, as they just want whats best for you even if they are wrong as to what that is.

[michelle23]

If they are willing to disown you over this-they are not good parents. Also if they plan to punish you and her forever for your choice-they are not good parents..

[Boisdevie]

Grow some balls and decide who's going to run your life, you or your parents? If your folks don't like your decisions then tough titty.

[VincenzoG91]

According to one of my favorite movies, there are three phases in life: growing up, breaking away, and settling down. You need to break away from the influence of your parents before you are ready to settle down. Doesn't mean that you need to stop loving them, just that you take control of your own life.