Need Advice (mainly sex/labido mismatch)

[michelle23]

Counselling is the only advice i can give in this situation-although you may never trust her 100% again even with counselling.

Do you think she is a selfish person by nature? Maybe it is just her that needs to change. Like i said already all of these issues could have been avoided if she didnt betray you

[michelle23]

Does she still feel guilt? Is dhe aware of how hurt you were/are?

[Wakeup]

You might want to try some personal therapy, jjbob. If you're not going to leave her because you can't trust her, then perhaps some guidance on how to learn to trust her again will let you relax enough to be able to orgasm with her or shortly after her, during sex.

Some ideas: instead of hearing the dreaded "How do you want to finish" I mean how unpassionate and boring is that! I certainly understand why you don't get into it enough to be able to let go. Have you tried being a little more "take charge" or domineering with her? Have you shown her in actions (rather than with words) that you want her to take you in her mouth? Told her when she tells you to enter her that you're not ready, suck my cock first? Being blunt here but no other way to explain. perhaps a little hair tug while you're kissing her. A more domineering sexual partner! Being proactive in getting her to give you what you want without her having to ask "how do you want to finish."

I'm throwing some thoughts out there for you to mull over.. maybe if you're the Director, you'll be able to "shoot the scene" to your liking.

[searock]

I dont think so, she says once we are having sex it is fine. Its just when I touch her or preform oral.

Maybe it depends on the spot where you touch her...? What does her gynecologist say?

She may be depressed. she hated her job for the longest time, her mother just passed away last fall, he father moved his GF (adulteress) in with him a couple months after her mom died. But this has been going on since the birth of our first child. Before then there was a window that was amazing.

I agree, I think her problem is psychological. For me as a woman, in order to really enjoy sex and put myself into it, I need to feel a strong emotional connection with my partner. Foreplay for me starts hours before having actual sex - it's all about flirting, exchanging sexy banter, teasing each other. It builds up expectation and lust, so that when we finally get to it, it's like I've been waiting for it all day. I think in a way it's the same thing for my bf.

It sounds like your wife isn't comfortable with you in bed, and the reason lies out of bed. Do you still share deep conversations? Do you go out on dates? Sex is just another part of the relationship machine, every part is connected and if something breaks, the rest will eventually stop working too.

[edit:] I like Wakeup's idea of you being more dominant in the bedroom. Show her with actions what you want. Place a finger on her mouth as soon as she starts asking "how do you want to finish" and *make* her do what you want her to do.

How long does it take for you to finish, averagely?

[michelle23]

I alo like wakeups idea. Most women secretly want their patner to be more aggressive/domineering. My bf is a gent and i love that but sometimes a girl hjust wants you to rip her clothes off and throw her on the bed or do it against the wall or tell her what you want in a dirty talk kinda way. Take the lead, be in contol-its all about the passion, the intensity and making her feel like the only woman in the world. Show her that you "need" her and not just "want her" sometimes

[michelle23]

I would also like to add that the sweet, romantic, gentle sex is good too occassionally but it should not be the same all the time

[jjbob]

Well, we had a long talk last night. You forget one of the goals in counseling is communication, which you need to continue all the time - with family sometimes it breaks down. After a long heated argument we started talking about what each of us are missing in the relationship. It came out that she feels resentment because she would like to sleep in once in a while and she feels that I could be helping out a bit more around the house.

I will try what she is asking and what everyone suggested and see where it takes us.

Thank you all.

[michelle23]

I hope things start to get better for you. Good luck

Your wife's issues with you are a little ridiculous though and her expectations too high. That is not a good enough reason to go off sex or to have an affair..

[Boisdevie]

It came out that she feels resentment because she would like to sleep in once in a while and she feels that I could be helping out a bit more around the house.

Sounds like she's putting all the blame on you. Did she seem concerned? Did she seem sorry that it wasn't working for you?

[michelle23]

I think she takes him for granted and he lets her

[Wakeup]

Well, we had a long talk last night. You forget one of the goals in counseling is communication, which you need to continue all the time - with family sometimes it breaks down. After a long heated argument we started talking about what each of us are missing in the relationship. It came out that she feels resentment because she would like to sleep in once in a while and she feels that I could be helping out a bit more around the house.

I will try what she is asking and what everyone suggested and see where it takes us.

Thank you all.

This doesn't seem to answer your concerns though.

What did she say about why shes unattentive in bed. Did you tell her what your beefs were or did she just get to tell you that she resents you because you don't let her sleep in which leads her to be selfish in bed?

[missi]

You're not the only one to experience this. It´s not always easy to continuously develop sex in a relationship. In order for your sex life to develop; the following criteria should be met: The goal with sex is for the two of you to become closer, have fun and to be satisfied. Both you and your partner might have fantasies, dreams and needs. When you express your desires and needs it's important not to judge. There are a bunch of different reasons as to why we don't feel sexually satisfied. The first thing we need to be
aware of is that sex is not always great. Just like everything else in the relationship it comes and goes in waves or may be because you and your partner have different needs, styles, one of you is asexual or does not like sex. One of the most common reasons might be that your knowledge is not sufficient. Good sex starts with you getting to
know your body. It's impossible for your partner to satisfy you if you don't know what feels good. If your sex life is hot and exciting then usually the relationship is also good.

I found some useful information on lovetestnow.com

1. You and your partner should be familiar with your bodies and know
how to reach best possible satisfaction.
2. The two of you should have about the same sexual appetite.
3. You and your partner are equally comfortable with your sexuality.
4. You and your partner can talk about sexual dreams and fantasies
with relative ease.
5. You two have a similar style in what kind of sex you like. If you
don't like the same things you're at least willing to try something
new for the sake of pleasure and your partner.

Take care

[jjbob]

Hey everyone, update:

Things are better. I've tried what you all recommended and it worked. I've read all the new post and appreciate all your concerns. If things fade back to how they were I will be letting her know over a cup a tea

[michelle23]

glad things are getting better for you