Dating Help Needed

[Rhaegar]

Ok, this is a complicated situation and I would appreciate any advice everyone could give.

I met this girl at my university through her friend about 7 weeks ago, and we clicked right away. She came up to my room several times right off the bat to hang out and watch movies/listen to music (both of which we share significant interests). Each time, we sat very close together and essentially cuddled as we watched whatever. The third time we hung out like this, she was sending all the signals as she sat next to me, and even as she dozed on my shoulder, so when we lay down I kissed her. We ended up making out for more then an hour before the sun came up and she went back to her room to get ready for her early classes. The next night she came to my room and we drank together before she went out with her friends. She said she would come back when she was done, and she did and we had sex. It’s doubtful she remembers this, as she often blacks out (she drinks on an empty stomach most of the time...), but she remembers having sex again the next morning and has no problem with this that I can tell.

She had talked about her ex (who basically abused her emotionally, lots of rules ect, and who now stalks her - mainly because she feels bad she broke his heart and now wants to be his friend. Aka giving him hope for reconciliation. I tell her this, and I think she understands, but she doesn't back off him and they argue whenever they see each other because, as I mentioned, their being friends gives him hope and he tries, and fails to reignite things) Because of this, she didn't want a relationship with anyone, but me being kind of young and stupid, after we had sex I started kissing her when we parted on several occasions and occasionally tried to hold her hand -- relationship kind of stuff, which is pretty much all I know from my rural upbringing. Not a lot of friends with benefits or casual stuff where I came from compared to her being from Long Island. Anyway, the next week she came over again before going out, and we took some shots and ended up on my futon getting hot and heavy, and then she, despite wanting to have sex (at least in her words, ect) said not to take her pants off. She gave weird excuses like that she was too fat, she couldn’t understand why I liked her, and that she didn't want to be a whore (She has serious self-esteem issues and I think she has guilt issues with sex..hence she only seems to have it when significantly drunk and she was only buzzed at this time). So we stopped, and then started again at her initiation a few minutes later, same result. Then she left to find her friends and said she would come back, but she went to the library instead. When I Imed her to ask when she was coming back, she said, I dont know, I don’t want to be whore (She was quite buzzed when she said this and I tried to convince her to just come back and talk about it, and that we could just go to bed, as it was quite late at this point. She eventually didn’t come back. Incidentally I had hoped to discuss just where this was going, and that I was fine with being friends with benefits after we had finished having sex, but that plan got ruined.

The next day I didn’t say anything about this, and we went to the movies (and had plans afterwards but she didn’t show up, she said she had to take care of her sick friend, but she made no attempt to contact me; she lost her cell phone just before we met, and just got it back, but no im or anything) and then on Saturday I initiated a talk asking her what she wanted, and she said "didn't want a relationship, just friendship." Because this was essentially what it had been, a short casual thing between friends so far, (though I had, and continue to want, more) I am unsure whether this precludes future hook-ups. She called me that night at home to make sure I wasn’t upset, and continued to show her interest in me by calling, im'ing me (I try and let her initiate most of the conversations so I can try and gage what’s going on) School ended the following week, so we did not have another chance for a drinking session.

Now we talk just about everyday over im, and for hours at a time on the phone every other day or so. She has drunk dialed me several times telling me how much she misses me ect, and how I am her really good friend and she was glad I wouldn't take advantage of her (not forcing her to have sex when we were essentially rounding third base and she shut me down, twice...perhaps her X had been a jerk and not been so accommodating). Essentially, things are going as well as could be expected considering we are hundreds of miles apart for the summer, but I am worried.

I am greatly concerned that this is moving towards friendship only (her saying while Drunk dialing that I was her second best friend at school now, and her always saying how nice I am too her ect), and if we can’t have a relationship I still really want to hook-up with her. So right now, in order to see where this is going, I am trying to decide whether to mention to her that I hope very much that we will continue to have sexual relations within the context of our friendship. I would hopefully do so when she was drunk dialing me (she doesn't really remember these conversations) and I feel I would get her true feelings on the issue, which would help with my peace of mind. On the other hand, I could wait until the school year starts and see where everything this summer naturally goes (we may be going to a concert just prior to this and may have to get a hotel for the evening, so that may be as good a situation as any) and see what happens. I was 100% behind this strategy of waiting it out, and it is what my Uncle and Cousins recommend, but I am defiantly feeling I may be falling into the friend trap, and need to try and define the friendship one way (hook up) with just friends as an unhappy alternative.

Also, some have said, and I tentatively agree, that it seems I am defiantly be used for, initially sex, and now that we are apart, for emotional support. Her dad is an alcoholic, her mom yells at her all the time, her brother is an ass and her X is a stalker. Pretty much since I am a smart, nice guy who doesn't mind complementing and offering solutions and advice, and isn't an *******, she eats it up for support. I wouldn't mind this if I otherwise knew wtf was going on in her head, but since I don't, it sucks. I played best friend to an X in high school, and while I like this girl alot, I really don't want to go down that road again. Just means you get raked over the coals whenever she dating/whatever someone else, no matter how fun your friendship is.

I hope that I don’t sound like a jerk who just wants to get back into this girls pants, I like her a lot and would love to date her, but she defiantly is not interested in a serious relationship with anyone. As it is, she is sending super-mixed signals regarding what she wants, and pretty much everyone thinks that she basically doesn’t have any idea what she wants (pretty typical for college girls).
What does everyone think would be the best way to determine her true feelings on this topic? Is when she is drunk dialing me the best situation? Any advice on interpreting mixed signals, on getting her to stop coddling her X and on helping her get over this horrible relationship that has made her not want to date seriously?

Thanks
-Rhaegar

[Junket]

Come on dude.

Help us, help you.

Give us a quick summary of the core problem if you want responses.

[shh!]

I second that suggestion.

[artyemi]

i think he just needed to vent. he hasn't even posted again yet.

[Rhaegar]

I wrote that much because that gives you all the requisite information to help with my overall situation. Its a very complicated situation like i said. Sorry. Take your time and post on it.
Thanks

[artyemi]

She is not interested in a relationship.

What do you want?

You want friends with benefit relationship with her?

Why don't you just wait around till she's drunk?

[Tone]

Don't tell him that!

Taking advantage is wrong ;[

[mhussain]

hi there rheager,

if u want t be friends with her , then that u already are ... if u want to be more and feel that u like this girl .. the u must tell her ....

it seems that she trusts you and likes you .... it is nice to hear that u didnt take advantage of her when she said no but the fact that you guys had sex whenever she was drunk isnt a good sign .

ask urself ,... what DO u want ... friendshipr or more than that? anythign in between is bargaining

Hussain

[Fyesteema4]

So you're in a pretty sucky situation. You don't want to hear her ramble on about her ex, (girls HATE when guys talk about other girls, so why should it be different?) You might want to mention that to her.

Telling a girl who isn't ready for a relationship, who values your friendship a lot, and has sexual insecurities, that you want to be "friends with benefits," is a BAD IDEA. So don't say it. She is obvisously attracted to you, so if she wants to hook up still, then you are lucky, and she will make it happen.

Most girls feel like if they don't date or have sex with a guy, then they don't want anything to do with them, so be careful to not protray that idea. It seems like she may have a lot of issues, so beware. You seem like a very nice guy, in time she will probably realize what a treasure you are and fall in love with you. ;-) Good Luck!

[artyemi]

Don't tell him that!

Taking advantage is wrong ;[

Sarcasm, my dear, sarcasm..

[some1there]

Wow, such a long and rambling post...I read most of it honestly...

You seem pretty frustrated by her actions (well, lack of 'action' at some points hehe). If you are a "nice, smart guy" then why are you so frustrated about not getting regular sex from her?

Perhaps you need to consider the pros and cons of this girl. She obviously has some very redeeming features about her (otherwise you wouldn't want to pursue her) but equally she's got baggage (her ex and maybe problems with intimacy). Do you think that it's possible you might be turning into a 'clone' of her ex...? The guy that tries too hard... Basically, what I’m trying to say is step back and go easy on her (plus yourself with all of these deep considerations)!

[Chlorine]

Rhaegar----Hmmm....confusing. Maybe she just doesn't want anything serious right now. She's just happy with the whole benefits idea. Makes you feel a little used. Still, it wouldn't be a good idea to get involved with a girl who's heart/mind are far away.