The Old "Friends" - Help Requested

[Anonymous5]

Oh, I don't even know where to start here.

I am 17 and am about to graduate high school. I will be getting into the job market shortly, and college life is in my sights. I'm not "popular," but I'm not necessarily "disliked." I keep to myself, and I'm happy that way. I've never suffered depression or been in an overly emotional state. I guess you could see me as the individual who goes from Point A to Point B quietly and quickly. I'm not only posting this to receive help, but to hopefully aid others who may be in a similar occurrence. For privacy and cautious reasons, I'll be keeping all those involved anonymous.

My story began six or seven years ago, when I (an 11 year old boy, at the time) met who I thought to be my best friend for life (a girl, one year younger than myself). We were inseparable for three long, happy years. During these three years, there were no issues; we never had a fight, we were always honest, and we would hang out every chance that we got. Our relationship at that time was perfect. She had an incredibly violent younger brother (two years younger than myself), and I felt as if I was the "big kid" protecting her. I can remember several cases of this. He went to tackle and assault her? I got him out of the way. He threw a large rock at her? I took the hit. He lost control when I wasn't around? I would be there as soon as possible. It didn't matter what anyone said or did. Our friendship was perfect. Remember that old saying, "If it's too good to be true, then it usually is?" I do.

Approaching up on the end of our three year friendship (we were about 14 and 13, respectively), everything we worked so hard to build and maintain seemed to have come crashing down. Can you guess the reason? (I may be lying a tad here, it's not the sole reason, but hear me out) The "One-Sided Young Love Disease." Despite our amazing "friendship," I grew feelings for her very quickly over the years. She discovered this about two years into the friendship. She was in a relationship for the entire duration of our friendship. If she was happy, I felt that I should be happy for her. Every single day I was with her seemed to pull me in more. I was pulled into a dangerous pit, a pit that every man falls into at one point in his life; The Friend Zone. I know that I should have told her long before then, but I was young and immature. I'm not an unrealistic person, so I feel very safe in saying this: I was in love. No, not puppy love, or young love. I was, without a doubt, in love with this girl. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her (as silly as it may seem for the age). With one-sided love comes jealousy, and with jealousy, comes complications.

This next part is shady to me. I can't (or I refuse to, for one reason or another) remember exactly what it was that pulled us apart so suddenly. I felt as if I was being used as a "backup" in case her relationship failed. Or did I become a big brother to her? Did I suddenly become cold and rude? Like I said previously, I can't remember. It's all a blur. All I know is that it bounced around the above points. Not having her with me wasn't worth losing my best, actually, my only true friend. After this, all communication stopped. It was as if our friendship crippled and died.

Let's fast forward a few years, two, to be exact. At this time, I am 16 and she is 15. Prior to this, there had been no verbal communication. There would be depressed moments of eye contact in the hallways, and some awkward run-ins. (Even so, no communication) Anyway, a chain-media message came around where you would publicly write a "Dear Ex-Best Friend," but keep the actual target anonymous. I don't do these, however she did write one. I could recite her message word for word in my head ever since I read it. For those who may be curious, there were some very precise things in her message that only we would know, so it was most certainly directed towards me. We tried to talk over the website a little while after that, but I shut her down. I don't know why, I basically said "Yeah, it happens" and never replied again. It's like it wasn't me trying to talk to her. I felt horrible after reading that back.

Alright. Jumping all the way up to present-day. We're 17 and 16. We haven't talked since that shutdown. But lately, it's all I've been thinking about. It's driving me into depression. My grades and attendance are slipping. It's giving me headaches because I am over-thinking what to do. It doesn't help that my life is effectively empty right now. I know that she would respond, but I just don't know who she is anymore; I can't know. I guess what I'm asking is this: Is it worth trying to mend the friendship, knowing that it will more-than-likely never be even remotely close to the same? Or should I try and finally lay it to rest and get over it?

If this is in the wrong forum or format or something, I apologize. It is my first time on this website. I never felt the need to release my situation until it began to affect my day-to-day life (and it was difficult for me to press the Submit button). Thank you to anyone who took the time to read and/or respond to this.

[smackie9]

Yes you need to get over it and move on. trust me on this...there is more to life than this girl. You have denied yourself any sort of real happiness because you never had the ability to let go....I suggest you finally do that now.

[basilandthyme]

We all have friendships come and go through our school years. Even friendships which we think will last for life. It's all totally normal.

Let it go and get on with your life.