Break up from compounded stress, need advice to try to win her back. LONG READ

[alwaystrying]

Hey everyone, I'm going to do my best to explain my situation.
I was dating my now ex girlfriend for 4 years. We were great in the beginning, very much in love like most couples are. We would eventually start having fights like most couples do. We would apologize and say were sorry, hug and make up. Over the last few months, we have not been able to keep our fighting under control. I am finishing up university and she just finished and started a new job teaching. Its hard to understand why we kept fighting because we both love each other, we both know we do and near the end, we were talking about the next step as in marriage, when to have kids and all that. Now, I've never had a solid relationship like this before, the longest relationship I had previously was 3 years with a girl that I liked ALOT, but I never felt like I loved her or had a future with her.
I need to explain some back story for you guys to maybe understand this better.

Sometime around june-august last year, we had found out she was pregnant (with me) and we had a long discussion about what to do. Personally I was ready to have that baby with her, I was happy when we found out. She was too. But we both realized we didn't have a house yet and she just started her new job so financially we weren't ready. Around this time we weren't fighting at all. We decided to have an abortion, I made sure that it was 100% her decision so she wasn't forced. I don't know how women get after abortions but all I know is that it emotionally wrecks them. I was there during the abortion holding her hand, she was crying, almost made me cry just to see how painful and discomforting it was to her. A few weeks pass and I am trying my best as a dumb man to comfort and be there for my girlfriend. A few months pass and she is getting closer to starting her new job. She had expressed she was really nervous and stressed out about the new job. A few weeks pass and now we are back into fighting, I feel we were both stressed out and just could not take the little time to appreciate each other the way we used to.

Fast forward to last week, we were still arguing time to time about senseless things, both caught up in the moment and always said the wrong things. When you argue, you tend to try to be right and avoid being wrong, I now understand that this pushes the other person to argue and resist you more because they don't want to be blamed. She tells me that she holds those few months after the abortion against me because I had stopped being supportive and it was worse because the stress of a new job and dealing with the abortion took a toll on her. I didn't know it got that bad, I know she told me it was bad during but I was so clueless that I would deny it to myself and we would get into arguments about that! As a man, I have issues with confronting and owning up to my mistakes because I feel so ashamed and embarrassed I let my girlfriend down. I realize this now.

I grew up in a family where sitting down and discussing our feelings is really non-existent. When my parents fight, nothing is resolved; each one believes that the other is right. I have an explosive temper, my sisters have it as well. My sister actually explained to me that we are the way we are because we have become a product of our environment. My father is an angry man and has been this way for as long as I can remember. A soldier suffering from PTSD from the vietnam war. But I am not using this as an excuse, but a window to shed some light on why I am the way I am and how I have a hard time figuring out why up until recently. I am not good at expressing my feelings, when I feel we get into arguments, I lash out in fear because I don't want to be wrong or I don't want to admit to my mistakes so I argue back even harder. I know she is the same way, she does not like to be blamed and sometimes I do blame her when there is no reason to, I am just trying to be " right ". I know it takes 2 to fight, but at the same time I know that she doesn't like to fight and most times, I do instigate the fights.

Last week, we had been quite distant from each other, she wouldn't say much. On Thursday we had a talk, she didn't know what to do, I told her we should keep trying and that I love her, she questioned why we should keep trying because she is afraid that our fighting controls our relationship and that we can't escape the cycle. I didn't have the words or any kind of explanation that I am telling you guys right now. I just told her, please lets not make a rash decision and lets just talk. She cried, she kept asking, "but what if we just get back together like the other times before, were good for a while and then I get my hopes high that were doing good and then we fight and my hopes get dropped down, I can't do that anymore". I didn't know what to say, we had always said the same semi-empty promises after break ups about fixing our fights, but never understood each other. She said she loves me, she said she wants it to work and that she doesn't know what to do. I pushed her again to stay and talk and she looked like she was at conflict within herself for a few moments, then she stopped talking and only said " i cant " over and over about 100 times. Whatever I said, she replied with " I can't" and nothing else. She cried and then stormed off and I haven't talked to her since.

I sign in on facebook on saturday and notice she turned our relationship status to nothing. I know this is trivial, but it hit me very hard as she always does that when we break up. But this time it felt worse, maybe I hadn't realized how bad it got. Her pictures of us are still up, her profile picture is still of us. I try not to use facebook as an indicator of how she is feeling, but that is the only communication I have to measure with. I am not a smart man, I turn to friends that have been married for almost 10 years and ask them for advice. They tell me to not communicate with her, write a letter and explain to her some of the stuff I said here about my family, how I was raised, how I have a problem expressing my feelings and that I lash out in fear, how I feel weak and lose my masculinity when I become vulnerable in front of her. The letter explains much more. I kept it a page long. The letter is not a "plead" to return to me or begging of any kind, but its to give her some insight on what has been going on in my mind for years that I could never express to her. It is embarrassing to tell her that my family hides how they are from her when she is around. How I have an issue with confronting my mistakes because of fear and shame. I wrote this in hopes that it may save our relationship as I believe there is a string of hope left.

The other day, a friend told me he was on facebook pretty much from 8am to 9pm just chatting. He said he saw her sign in on facebook for a minute or two over 130x times throughout the day and believes she was checking on me, seeing if I had posted something or messaged her. I asked him, why would she do this? His theory is that whenever we broke up in the past, I would immediately try to contact her and try to convince her to come back. That when I did this, it came off as a "reaction" to the break up and that it was just fear that was fueling me to do this, not love or sincerity. That this time I need to give her some time to cool off, and do NOT contact her so that the cycle is broken, that I am not just reacting anymore, because that is what I have been doing during break ups. I realize now that even though 4 years of breaks ups, I haven't been able to come to terms with my own demons. But now I have seen what drives me to do the things I have done.

The letter explains this. I also try to list my faults but also my good traits as I am not a terrible person. That I can't promise a future without fighting, but I can promise her that I want to move forward with her ( in a way where if we do fight, we understand each other and its a fight where we can resolve and there is no bitterness or grudges ). I didn't exactly say that because I didn't want to make her relive the experiences, so I'm hoping saying "move forward" was good enough. Here, this is the exact line I used,

"I dont know what the future holds and I cant promise that there wont be arguments again. But I am determined to move forward with you and I do know that there is a potential for greatness for us, and that is a "what if" i am not willing to turn my back to. "What if we argue again?? BUT.."what if we are great together??"
The last line I write suggests that on friday this week, I will be at this coffee shop near her place at 7pm, i will be there for an hour. if she shows up, that is great. if she doesn't. then i understand ( and in my own way, this is my closure )

I picked 7pm because she gets off at work in between 3:50pm and 4:30pm. it takes her about 20-25 min to drive home, so thats around 5pm, then theres rush hour till near 6pm. I think 7pm works because it gives her time to wind down after work and she isn't rushed to go meet me, IF that is her decision to even meet me. I know I need to hold back a bit because there is a good chance she won't.
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I had tried to make the letter come off as answers to who i am and not a list of im sorries and this happens because this and the blame game, so she cannot read it and and ask herself "why didnt he do this before or whatever". There are a few risks though, she could read this letter and contact me and say she can't on friday because of... and that is where ill have to judge her reasons. If she says shes doing family stuff, okay. but if shes going out with her friends or whatever, I am afraid i'll take it the wrong way as i believe a 4 year relationship is a priority over going out with friends, IF she is serious about us.

I figure, after 4 years, 8-9 days is long enough to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you were previously talking about marriage with. That if she really wants to be with me, she will put everything aside for Friday night. the harsh reality is that she can easily not show up, she can contact me earlier this week and just say, no i cant.

I know i can be insensitive at times but i am a huge sensitive guy, the slightest things hurt me. this is a huge gamble as she had already broken up with me and i could be just setting myself up for a worse and longer grievance period.

Well friends, I tried not to sound like a crazy guy, but what do you think?

[michelle23]

You both may benefit greatly from relationship counselling. It could help you both to heal from the abortion and also to learn to communicate better and pull each other closer during difficult times.

Four years is a long time and you are obviously great together in general but stress and circumstances have taken over to the point where you both have forgotten to show the love you feel for each other. I don't think you should give up. You both just need some help

Blaming each other for the abortion is unhealthy-I suspect she is still grieving the loss of the baby (look up the stages of grief). She may feel guilt and anger etc..

I don't think you have taken the time to even think about the impact the abortion has had on you as you have been looking after her. You too need to grieve this loss. It was your baby too and I really think counselling is the best way forward for you both.

[alwaystrying]

in the past we had talked about relationship counselling and I had said no it was dumb. I am a stubborn fool. Being pushed over the edge of losing her, I pull out all my cards and I hate the fact that she thinks that I only show all my cards when i lose her. But the reality is of course i will pull the big guns out, I feel cornered, of course i am going to do whatever it takes right? I don't want to lose her. I am about to drive to her place and put the letter in her mailbox as she is at work right now so she hopefully will see it tonight or whenever they bring the mail in. ( hopefully before friday haha ). Thanks for the support michelle. if anyone wants, i can post or pm the letter so you may have a better idea of the whole thing.

I just wish I knew what my chances are with this letter.

[michelle23]

Counselling is actually quite helpful in these situations. An abortion or a miscarriage can have a huge impact on a relationship and she is hurting. You can pm me the letter if you want and ill try to help

[alwaystrying]

I would love to go, but we are not together right now. so that option of suggesting to go can only be successful if she shows up on friday night. which is sad..

[michelle23]

Like I said four years is a long time and I don't think shell just want to give up without a fight. She obviously loves you but if you do get back together-you both have to make some changes and you both need to be 100% committed to making it work

[alwaystrying]

i hope so too. her repeating " i cant i cant " and storming out just really hit me heavy. seeing someone shut down like that to the point where they just repeat a phrase over and over and not even respond to anything is horrifying. like a complete wall and mental breakdown

[michelle23]

She was probably just very upset and trying to stop herself from crying. What are you going to say in the letter? You should tell her all the things you love about her, tell her why you react the way you do and your sorry, talk about the abortion, stress for work etc, any other problems..

And let her know you are willing to do anything to make things right because you love her.

[alwaystrying]

I pm'd you the letter i think. I avoided saying stuff about why i love her in the letter, i didn't want to talk about the exact bad experiences as i was afraid it would trigger her and make her put up a wall. i definitely let her know i am willing to make things right. It was hard to write this letter because i did not want to repeat the "empty promises" speech we always gave each other after previous break ups/fights. i didnt think she would want to hear the same yadda yadda.

[michelle23]

Where your going wrong OP is having these walls around yourself where your afraid to be vulnerable with her. It makes you defensive and you react badly to stress in the relationship. You need to let her in and just be yourself.

By constantly trying to be this big masculine unemotional man, you are denying yourself the emotional support that comes with love. You cant just give her parts of you and hide the rest. You have to give her all of you and show her what she means.

You both need to learn how to resolve conflict in a positive way without hurting each other.

[alwaystrying]

I definitely understand that now. I address that in the letter. It was very hard to understand that issue for years. There are times where I did let her in but it was not consistent. It probably even became less because of my issues and with her being stressed about what happened. I forget to think before I speak and I let the defensive part of me speak for me and forget the part that loves her and cares about her feelings say a word.

Michelle, any luck getting into that 2shared.com account of mine? I'm not even sure if my PMs are working, it says nothing sent. I just sent you my account info so you could log in and get the letter saved on there.

[michelle23]

Ya I just read the letter. Its great. It shows that you understand yourself and your trying to make positive changes.

I think a lot of men are like that and it takes a lot to let those walls down. My bf is the same. He clams up and goes very quiet if I want to talk about feelings. I've never seen him cry and he sees it as a sign of weakness although id never see it that way. To me-he is strong and perfect but I wish he would let me in more and talk about things that are important. Your GF probably feels the same.

For example: he had a difficult time with his father too-the man is selfish and inconsiderate-very insensitive. He always put himself first and never really cared about his wife or kids. Its a long story but my BF is the opposite. Hes a good man but finds it very difficult to talk about the past. He gives me little bits of info every now and again and after being together about 3 years- I probably had 70% of the story. Now a year later-I still don't know it all.

Its weird because I know he trusts me and he knows I'm not judging but for some reason-he tries to keep it all in and the only time he really opens up is if I'm bitching about my dad or someone else and he can relate to something I say.

It makes me sad because I tell him everything and trust him completely so my whole point is don't be afraid to let her in. She wants you to.

[alwaystrying]

its the fear of looking weak. we dont like to feel weak in front of our woman. for me, its a combination of looking weak, feeling weak, feeling ashamed and embarrassed. and you are right, it takes so much to let those walls down because its a fear of not being accepted or wanted with all these " flaws". Thanks for reading the letter. I spent the last 4 years trying to figure this out and it seemed impossible. every time we fought, i could never explain the things in the letter because i didnt know how to and i couldnt confront my issues. I wanted to so bad but the words never came to my head, my feelings were always mixed with anger and frustration.

I want to be open and confident with her, no secrets.
I just hope the letter conveys my feelings well enough that she gets it and understands that I do love her and that I have never given up on her even though it may seem that I have. I am admitting my faults, im letting her know my fears, I have never quit trying to improve myself and that i do not want to throw away a possible great future with a great person.

[michelle23]

I wouldn't call it flaws or faults. You are living the lie you were thought to believe with all the bs stereotypes as are most men. There is nothing wrong with that with the people who don't matter but with the people who do matter-you have to let them in. And you love her, you want to show her that love. There is nothing weak about that and nothing to feel ashamed of.

I see myself as a feminist lol and I appear strong, independent, successful, don't take any crap etc but my bf knows I'm a big softie really with a big heart but I have fire in my belly and I'm not afraid to say whats on my mind. I too don't want to be seen as some sort of weak damsel in distress lol because I'm not. But because he sees all of me and not just to bits I show to others-he sees the real me and he doesn't view me as weak. He thinks I'm quite strong even though hes seen me cry like a thousand times.

Plus even though he doesnt show his emotions-I can see them in his actions and facial expressions. We can read you better than you think so you might as well just admit it

[alwaystrying]

lol this is very true as she knows i am a complete softy when I try to appear "manly". I had a hard time understanding that it was okay for her to see that.

Michelle, do you think my proposition to meet on friday is the right amount of time to suggest her to meet me? not too early and not too long that the window has closed?