Boyfriend vs Family

[ancaaa]

Hello all,
I really need an advice, I don't understand a lot of thing or what to do next. So let me tell you my story:

A few days ago I and my boyfriend celebrated 2 years of relationship and he bought me a puppy as a gift. It was a lovely surprise until my mother saw the puppy and started to scream at him( my family has 5 dogs, so she was shocked). I just don't understand her. She never liked him, she never let me go somewhere to stay over night because I wasn't old enough. Now I'm 21 years old and I'm still afraid of her and last days I was afraid to defeat my boyfriend.

He was really upset after this, but treated me normal. Later when he got home he called me and said that everything was too much for him, that he can't fight with my mother if I don't and that we had to break up. After this we didn't talk, but this motivated me to make my mother stay out of my life.
I'm afraid he doesn't want to continue anymore, I promised him many times that I would change our relationship, but I didn't. Now is hard for me to accept that I lost him and my mother wish came true.

So I'm asking you if I should search him? What should I do with my family to accept him?
P.s.: I'm sorry for my grammar mistakes, English is not my first language

[vashti]

I would freak out if my daughter's boyfriend gave her a dog, too. It's an extremely inappropriate gift, especially for someone who still lives at home with their parents..

If you want your family to accept him, tell him to not be such a bonehead, and tell him to apologize. I know he meant the gift to be a nice thing, but living things shouldn't come as a surprise. It is way too much responsibility.

[Rowen]

You can say anything to him. But that doesn't mean he has to believe you. That's why it's best to show him.

Confront your mother and make her understand how much pressure she put on your relationship. Express exactly how afraid you feel.

Then, maybe...just maybe...he can see that you're trying. But if he doesn't, you can't wait around forever.

[Rowen]

If you want your family to accept him, tell him to not be such a bonehead, and tell him to apologize. I know he meant the gift to be a nice thing, but living things shouldn't come as a surprise. It is way too much responsibility.

Please tell me you're joking... o.o

[gibcia44]

Hey,
I am going to say this.... from my experience it is better to always listen to your mom, when it comes to long term advices. If you have a good relationship with her keep it that way, it's heartbreaking if you see someone not having contact with their family because of some looser.
If he really loved you he would do everything for you not to fight with your mother. He would want you to have a great relationship with her. Think of his values, one day they will all backfire and the way he treated your mother will be the way he will treat you.
Best of lcuk

[bearz]

Buying someone a dog when they already have five at home is pretty silly. He meant it as a nice gesture, but he didn't think it through.

Has your mom ever told you why exactly she doesn't like the guy?

[HeartIsAching]

Please tell me you're joking... o.o

I don't think so... I think she's right. Adding to another persons household without prior discussion is very self-centered. I wouldn't bring home another cat to my wife without discussing with her first... nor would she do that to me, and we're in a permanent committed partnership living with no one else.

Doing it to his GF who lived with her mom who already had FIVE OTHER DOGS without asking first was kind of bone-headed.

[vashti]

A guy who cares a lot about you will do his best to ensure your parents like him. I always worry about the "outsider" who doesn't find it necessary to get in good with the family.

[Rowen]

I don't think so... I think she's right. Adding to another persons household without prior discussion is very self-centered. I wouldn't bring home another cat to my wife without discussing with her first... nor would she do that to me, and we're in a permanent committed partnership living with no one else.

Doing it to his GF who lived with her mom who already had FIVE OTHER DOGS without asking first was kind of bone-headed.

I wasn't even talking about the fact he got her that. I agree that when I read that it sounded a bit odd, like buying her a tea kettle when she already has one she uses every day (My grandmother did that to my Mom). That is ridiculous, I'll admit. But THAT is not where my point is coming from...

A guy who cares a lot about you will do his best to ensure your parents like him. I always worry about the "outsider" who doesn't find it necessary to get in good with the family.

I will agree that the person needs to make their best effort to make sure that the family likes him. No doubt, if a guy I was dating crapped all over my family, he'd quickly find himself single.

However...My point comes from the fact that she fears her mother. She shouldn't fear her mother...and if her mother had THAT MUCH control over their relationship, I can see why he couldn't take it and left, no offense. I'm not saying she should be staying over at his house when she's too young, but she shouldn't fear bringing her boyfriend around her mother at 21 years of age. If she does, there's a serious problem... Now, maybe I'm just going off of the trust that this OP has good judgement and chose a guy who respected her...but either way, I still say there's something wrong if she fears her mother and bringing this guy around her. It tells me that she does care what her mother thinks and that she feels like a disappointment for having dated this guy.

Maybe I'm wrong, though. But sometimes it takes two sides to make a feud.

[ancaaa]

Buying someone a dog when they already have five at home is pretty silly. He meant it as a nice gesture, but he didn't think it through.

Has your mom ever told you why exactly she doesn't like the guy?

She screamed at him that she didn't want to see him again.

Thank you everyone for your answer. Just to make it clear: I don't like how my mother treats me or my relationship, she is the kind of women that you have to work a lot to impress, but she will always find something to be mad at.

We have 5 dogs, but she loves them, plus we can find some space for this little one, it wasn't that bad what he did- according to my father.
My boyfriend tried all the time to make my mother happy, we dated for an year once a week as she wished, never lived town, or other stupid rules, he came from 250 km every week to see me.

[ancaaa]

However...My point comes from the fact that she fears her mother. She shouldn't fear her mother...and if her mother had THAT MUCH control over their relationship, I can see why he couldn't take it and left, no offense. I'm not saying she should be staying over at his house when she's too young, but she shouldn't fear bringing her boyfriend around her mother at 21 years of age. If she does, there's a serious problem... Now, maybe I'm just going off of the trust
that this OP has good judgement and chose a guy who respected her...but either way, I still say there's something wrong if she fears her mother and bringing this guy around her. It tells me that she does care what her mother thinks and that she feels like a disappointment for having dated this guy.

Maybe I'm wrong, though. But sometimes it takes two sides to make a feud.

Yes, you are right. I'm afraid of her, I know her well and when it comes to do something that I know she won't agree, it is like the end of the world.
I appreciate that my boyfriend accepted me with all the problems and always tried to make her like him. I know that to wait for someone for 2 years is a lot and now I'm confused with what should I do next.
I still have the puppy, my mom started to like him, but I'm thinking to give it to someone else, maybe she will calm down.

[Rowen]

She screamed at him that she didn't want to see him again.

Thank you everyone for your answer. Just to make it clear: I don't like how my mother treats me or my relationship, she is the kind of women that you have to work a lot to impress, but she will always find something to be mad at.

We have 5 dogs, but she loves them, plus we can find some space for this little one, it wasn't that bad what he did- according to my father.
My boyfriend tried all the time to make my mother happy, we dated for an year once a week as she wished, never lived town, or other stupid rules, he came from 250 km every week to see me.

^ Please notice the bold. I stand by my first post, OP. You need to work on your relationship with your mother and become more independent. Otherwise, you'll keep fearing her later on in life, and your next boyfriends will have a hell of a time putting up with her. Believe me, this I LIVE...

In my family, half the family dates back to Germany. I'm not sure what you know about the culture, but typically families living by the old German ways tend to have more pressure in them. While this is true in my family, there is also a mentality that spawned from this...that no "outsider" is good enough for those in the family. My Uncle Rich, for example, adores his wife (my aunt), and no matter how successful he is with his business, he's seen as not good enough by my grandparents. My aunt's sister goes through the same with her husband, Donald. He's a dairy farmer trying to make it honest, but he'll never be good enough either. My father married my mother, and she goes through the same thing; she's still seen as the outsider who isn't good enough, after they got married around the late eighties.

Likewise, on the other side of the family, my Uncle went through that with his fiance's family. He wasn't good enough because he has a job that has him driving up and down the East Coast all the time. He ADORED my...well, she wasn't my aunt, but we all considered her part of the family... Anyway, he adored her, but it never meant anything to her mother or father because he wasn't settled with a permanent address (other than an empty house in Florida) even though he was trying to get off the road for her. In the end, her parents put so much pressure on the relationship that he couldn't take it anymore and broke off the engagement.
Those are only two examples of a number of people I know and am related to that fit this description.

Now, ask yourself...Do you want to put this guy or someone else through this? My guess is not... So, please re-read my first post and take that as a possible option. I really think you should work on this problem and gain some independence... But in the end, do what's best for you.

I wish you good luck. I hope this helps, and I hope it all works out for you.

[rob1984]

I think its the old ways of her culture.. Im polish and my dads mom hated my mom... it came to a point where my dad said... screw this were leaving the country.
Your mom should not be the one running your life especially at your age. If you bf is who you say he is, your mom is just immature. Another thing.. how was your moms upbringing.. do you find she controls you.. as if she is trying to live her life through you. My wife`s mom does that.. even when some dude was chasing my wife and she ended up kissing him. her mom though nothing of it. Which pissed off my wife to a point where she right there realized her mom was holding her back, being the negative influence in her life.. seeing how her mom was when she was growing up.. led to my wife being how she is now.. and that brought her straight to therapy.

Do not let your mom control your life.

[Boisdevie]

You are 21 years old = an adult. So YOU decide who is your boyfriend and if your mum does not like that, well it's none of her business. But to be treated like an adult perhaps you need to act like an adult and live in your own place.

[michelle23]

Does she have a reason to dislike him?? Sometimes our parents know best and are just looking out for us. However sometimes they get it wrong too..

As for the puppy- I dont blame her for going mad about that.