Is my sex drive "broken"?

[Indestructible]

Some may be familiar with my situation, that being a guy in his mid-20s who's never had sex, never been in a relationship, and never even been on a date. Honestly, over the last eight or so years, I've only encountered a total of two girls I actually was interested in dating, neither of which wanted to date me; that's the scary part, because for most guys, finding a girl they want to date is as simple as going "Ooh, she's hot, I'm going to try to get her number!", or whatever. For me, I'm more interested in how we get along, and how well we "connect" over certain things, and that takes a bit more time to see, thus, I usually have no interest in asking out a girl until I've gotten to know her a bit beforehand.

Anyway, I've gotten to wondering, is it possible my "sex drive" is broken? Thinking back to high school, I'd say I had a fairly typical "sex drive". I mean, I wasn't personally interested in any of the girls I knew, and I was kind of repressed anyway because I was the big loser in high school that got bullied and no one wanted to be around (let alone, date). High school affected me so negatively that, for a year or two after it was over, I was still carrying a lot of those negative feelings and thoughts with me, and still fairly closed off to people and the world in general.

Over the last year or two, I've been finding myself really wanting to date, and find someone special, but I just can't seem to connect with girls that way. I mean, I have no problems being friendly and talking to girls, but we just never hit it off in a way that dating seems like an option. Last summer, I DID hit it off really well with a girl finally, and the way she was acting towards me, I really felt like there was interest on her part, too, but I ended up being wrong.

I've been kinda down about that, because I liked her a lot, and people (mostly on forums like these, as I don't really have any close friends offline) have been telling me that I just need to meet more girls. That's kinda where the "broken sex drive" thing comes in, though. I mean, I WANT to date, but that natural basic sexual "urge" just isn't strong enough for me to go out and try to meet girls (I really don't like the idea of doing "cold approaches" anyway).

I mean... It's not that I have no sexual urges whatsoever; I still have my "me time" (not excessively, of course; usually about once a day, 3-4 times a week), and I do frequently get "aroused", often for no good reason at all. But I kinda think I've gone so long without dating and actually experiencing sex with another person that I just no longer really see the appeal. I mean, I already know how the end result feels, and it's just a nice little feeling that lasts for maybe a few seconds, so what's the point? Honestly, I'm kinda bored with having "me time", as I don't have a very good imagination for fantasizing, so I mostly just do it out of habit (and also to avoid having it happen while I'm asleep during the night).

So, yeah, like the topic title says, is my sex drive "broken"? What can I do about this, if anything?

[michelle23]

I don't think there is anything wrong with your sex drive. I think its your self-esteem that you need to work on. Its great that you know what you want in a woman. Many people become infatuated by someone they think is hot and get all obsessed and then that person ends up being a complete nightmare so its great that you are looking for more than just attraction.

Can you list some of the good qualities about yourself? Do you see yourself as an attractive person? You need to believe you have a lot to offer a woman and have the confidence to actually talk to someone and get to know her. You have to be prepared to make the move and ask her out on a date.

You could join a hobby or the gym to help you get to know new people. Get out of the house more and make friends. What about doing a night course one day a week that will help you make friends and also meet like minded people who have similar interests?

I think you have just suppressed your sexual desires due to the bullying and lack of self belief. And your lack of confidence prevents you from catching and keeping a woman.

[bearz]

I can relate very well to what you're going through. Sex is just the last thing on your mind because you care about other things a lot more, and because you haven't really experienced it. It's just like with anything else you haven't done yet in your life. Take alcohol, smoking, or other drugs for example. I'm not saying they are good for you, but you're always curious about those things at a young age, and if you never try them, eventually you don't care about them once you grow older. The curiosity wears off over time. But if you do try it, you might like it, or not. Except with sex you usually end up liking it very much. So I wouldn't worry about your sex drive that much, I'd say the way you feel about it is normal in your situation.

[Indestructible]

Can you list some of the good qualities about yourself? Do you see yourself as an attractive person? You need to believe you have a lot to offer a woman and have the confidence to actually talk to someone and get to know her. You have to be prepared to make the move and ask her out on a date.

Eh... Well, physically, I have a bit going against me. I'm very short, and I have a goofy-looking (and also young-looking) face. Many often initially mistake me for being in my teens, based on my looks, some have even guessed as low as 12... v_v

I'm a very introverted person, so I'm pretty reserved around new people. It usually takes me a little while to relax and start being myself more around people. I like to try to make jokes and see if I can make people laugh, but I find most people don't really get or don't share my sense of humor, so many of the things I say end up falling flat. I'm a pretty kind, generous person, I've been told I'm a good listener, I make an effort for the people I care about, etc. The thing about me is, I think I have qualities that a girl would probably value in a long term partner, but I don't seem to have qualities that would initially draw a girl to a guy.

I can't really wrap my head around the idea of "attraction", to be honest. The last girl I liked, we were hitting it off so well. Had a bunch in common, had the exact same sense of humor, we seemed to have this mutual respect for each other, and considered each other our intellectual equals (which I thought she would value and be attracted to). I've never "clicked" that well with anyone before, and she really brought out the best side of me in a way that no one else really has before. But, as it turns out, she was more attracted to this macho Jersey Shore-wannabe "player" guy she and I both know. Kinda bummed me out, because I always thought that smarter girls would be above guys like that, and would seek someone that's more on their level, intellectually and in terms of maturity. She's such a smart, mature girl with a good head on her shoulders, and it ate away at me for the longest time that even though she was getting me at my best, a guy like that still won out over me.

[michelle23]

Well the short thing is not an issue-just go for short girls. You could grow a bit of stubble-that might help and just make sure your hair is nice and wearclothes that look good on you. If you have goofey teeth-get braces.

Girls who go after men like that are normally insecure so dont worry about it. Hell break her heart and it will be her own fault.

You are attracted to personality and emotional connection. Theres nothing wrong with that. You need to try to come out of your shell and meet new people. Theres no need to be shy-just try to boost your confidence and become friends with nice people who value you as a person. You could try some volunteer work and hit the gym to get rid of any stress while also being fit and healthy.

[Indestructible]

Well the short thing is not an issue-just go for short girls. You could grow a bit of stubble-that might help and just make sure your hair is nice and wearclothes that look good on you.

I basically try to do all that stuff, and stay at my best as often as I can. As for height, I don't exactly chase after girls that tower over me, but still, I'd say 98% of the girls I encounter are at least my height, many having an inch or two over me. Besides, short girls are no less likely to prefer a taller guy, so I don't think that's going to affect anything.

Girls who go after men like that are normally insecure so dont worry about it. Hell break her heart and it will be her own fault.

Honestly? They actually dated a little before I even liked her (I didn't know about it until after she turned me down), and he did end up hurting her because he was seeing another girl at the same time. I think around the time she and I started hitting it off, she was kinda distant with him, but after she turned me down, she slowly started getting more chummy with him again, and less so with me. She also got SUPER friendly with this older guy we know; pretty sure she has the hots for him, but he's got a long time girlfriend, and she's not looking to come between them. I *think* I heard that she's dating someone (other than those two guys), but I dunno, she doesn't really talk to me at all anymore. I had a pretty rough time with that, because me and her were hitting it off so well over last summer and fall, and then I ask her out, and she pulls away, and then I have to see her "hitting it off" with other guys the way she used to interact with me, while I'm out in the cold, so to speak.

In a way, it seems kinda futile to me. I mean, even the girls that are smarter and more mature are more attracted to the brash overly flirtatious sexually charged guys. I feel like there's always going to be a guy like that right around the corner, so to speak, that's going to have more "sparks" with any girl I might fall for more than I can.

[michelle23]

Dont think that way. Seriously women who go after players have issues. Healthy women want a man whol treat her right. The only thing holding you back is your lack of confidence. You need to work on that. Tell me all the good things about yourself. What can you offer a woman?

[Indestructible]

Tell me all the good things about yourself. What can you offer a woman?

Like I said in my previous post:

I like to try to make jokes and see if I can make people laugh, but I find most people don't really get or don't share my sense of humor, so many of the things I say end up falling flat. I'm a pretty kind, generous person, I've been told I'm a good listener, I make an effort for the people I care about, etc. The thing about me is, I think I have qualities that a girl would probably value in a long term partner, but I don't seem to have qualities that would initially draw a girl to a guy.

That's pretty much the best stuff I can name about myself, really. That last sentence in my quote really sticks in my mind; I have valuable qualities as a long term partner, but I lack the fun/ exciting factor, and/ or the flirtatious charm that initially draws girls in.

[michelle23]

okay well ur jokes and sense of humour are not working then so try a different tactic. what about a bit of banter and harmless teasing or a small bit of sarcasm and attitude in a playful/fun way?

or being a little forward. next time you see a girl you like just go for it "hey ive seen you around a lot lately-do you live round here? "fancy grabbing a cup of coffee"

[Indestructible]

okay well ur jokes and sense of humour are not working then so try a different tactic. what about a bit of banter and harmless teasing or a small bit of sarcasm and attitude in a playful/fun way?

Well, that's kinda what I go for, heh. Most of my stuff doesn't really "land", though, for whatever reason, at least with most girls. Part of the reason I liked that last girl a lot was because my stuff was "landing" a lot with her, and that was because we were so similar, in terms of sense of humor and "playfulness".

[basilandthyme]

As for height, I don't exactly chase after girls that tower over me, but still, I'd say 98% of the girls I encounter are at least my height, many having an inch or two over me. Besides, short girls are no less likely to prefer a taller guy, so I don't think that's going to affect anything.

All the men I've ever seriously dated have been my height - or I've been taller than them. I'm taller than my husband. Seems to me that you're just making excuses.

[michelle23]

You just need to have more confidence and a positive attitude. No more thinking "why do girls go for men like that over me" -that is just throwing yourself a pity party-girls are not attracted to the "poor me" act.

You need to really believe in yourself and don't just settle for any girl who pays you attention. Figure out what you want in a woman and go find her.

[Indestructible]

All the men I've ever seriously dated have been my height - or I've been taller than them. I'm taller than my husband. Seems to me that you're just making excuses.

Well, honestly, the height thing isn't really something I'm particularly hung up on. I think it bothers me more that I just generally look "young" and not really "manly" enough, and no matter how I try to change my look, people still seem to mistake me for being much younger than I am. And let's face it, physical attraction matters to girls on some level; not many girls are going to be attracted to someone they mistake for a young child/ teenager, yanno?

You just need to have more confidence and a positive attitude. No more thinking "why do girls go for men like that over me" -that is just throwing yourself a pity party-girls are not attracted to the "poor me" act.

Yeah, no, I get that, I don't outwardly put on a "poor me" act or anything like that. I only let myself feel bad and negative in privacy. When I'm out and about in the world, I try to just lock it all away until I'm back in the privacy of my own home. That said, I'd say I have more of a quiet confidence. I'm a quiet, reserved, modest, low key kind of guy.

You need to really believe in yourself and don't just settle for any girl who pays you attention. Figure out what you want in a woman and go find her.

I'd say I have a pretty good idea of what I want in a girl (the last girl I liked had pretty much all the characteristics I find most attractive), I just don't really know where or how to find those girls. What you said about not settling, that's the thing that kind of scares me. I have a feeling that, unless she ends things with me, I'll probably spend the rest of my life with the first girl I date. I don't think I have it in me to end things with someone else, and I'm also a very committed person, even if I'm not really that satisfied with the thing I'm committed to.

[michelle23]

Well if you have a pretty good idea what you want and you find her-hold onto her and don't take it for granted. You would only be "settling" if you are not compatible.

[Indestructible]

Yeah, I just wish I could find more girls I connect with. Honestly, I don't even have like, some list of stuff I want in a girl. It's all about how we get along. The last girl I liked really got to me just because we get along so well. She's a pretty snarky sarcastic person, and before we stopped talking, we had such a fun little dynamic, and we'd kinda "give it" back and forth to each other a lot. I have a very dry, snarky, sarcastic sense of humor, myself, but I find I have to dial it back in the outside world, because most people either don't get my sense of humor, or they take it the wrong way and think I'm a snarky "a-hole". I have to really ease most people into my humor, and many times, I still don't end up connecting with people.

It was refreshing and so much fun to not have to "hold back" with her, and more than that, find someone that can give it right back to me (with both of us knowing we're just teasing and playing with each other). I really want that. That's what well keep me interested, and what will titillate me, so to speak. It just seems so hard to actually find. Honestly, this last girl I was into was the only girl I've ever met where I had that with. Kinda scary, really.