Seeking advice about discovering a past incestual relationship.

[LisaW]

Hi, I have a difficult problem that I can't discuss with friends or family, so I thought I would ask anonymously on the internet.

About 2 months ago my boyfriend gave me his old laptop when he bought himself a new one. About a week ago i deleted a file by accident, so I went to the Windows trashcan to get it to back, and found 100s of pictures in the trashcan that my boyfriend had deleted. I started looking at the pictures (and a few videos) and most were old family pictures, some were as old as 10-15 years ago as he was growing up. Many were pictures I had not seen before, so I started looking at them. Then to my surprise I found some nude photos of his sister when she about 11-12 (about 10 years ago), she was posing for the camera in a playful way mimicking as if she was a nude playboy model. My boyfriend would have been 13 because he is 1 year older than her. Then I found a video where she is only wearing panties he is asking her questions about what she thinks of sex, she giggles a lot and says she likes having sex; they talk about sex\puberty\etc for about 5 minutes and she comments that it is funny how he gets erections all the time. Then the video cuts, and is pointed at the bed, where they both are nude, and proceed to have sex. I stopped watching at that point and have not watched rest of it.

This was very shocking to me because nothing about him or sister suggested anything like this. I have known my boyfriend for 3 years, and we are unofficially engaged. we have talked about getting married but not set a date. I've become close friends with his sister and I want her to be one of my bridesmaids at our wedding. My boyfriend is very close to his sister, they almost seem like twins that love to do things together. When she graduated from High school, just the two of them went on a 1 month trip through Europe. They've done lots and lots of things like that, just to the two of them.

Should I just delete the pictures permanently and never say anything to my boyfriend about having found them, or should I let him know I found them? It does not change my feelings about him or his sister, just shocking to know they had a sexual relationship in the past and it currently doesn't seem to bother either of them. In the video they were both pretty young, and it was clear they were both liked having sex with each other. I don't know how long they continued to have sex together, but it does make me wonder because they have such a close relationship now. She is old enough now that if she felt he had taken advantage of her, she wouldn't have such a close bond with him.

Should I talk to my boyfriend about it, or just pretend I never saw the pictures\video? Part of me wants to discuss it, but part of me is afraid it will open up a Pandora box of secrets they never wanted to share with anyone.

Does anyone know how common it is for siblings to do things like this when they are younger?

THanks

[surfhb2]

No just forget you ever found them....it is very normal for brothers and sisters to have sex. I bang my sister all the time....sometimes we let my elderly Mom watch. Its awesome!!!

[coconutz]

wowwwww. first i thought here we go again with the nosy gf , snooping around.
but reading the whole thing it makes me sick.

very sick.

when kids are very little sometimes they are discovering their body and they look at each others.
but that should stop righ away.

siting there making video asking about sex getting a hard dick its sick and its something he have
plan to do with her. also those picture.
its not just a playful something.
and for him to still have those stuff on his computer is also a sign that he is sick
and still saw the value and importance to keep them.

that they seem close to you doenst say a thing.
they can act like that just to keep a fake peace or afraid for someone to find out.

i have realized this theory that you dont find out the truth or something we did not know
just to ignore it. but to do something about it and to warn us to shake us up.
otherwise it have no value to know.

i really think you should prepare your stuff to leave if you live with him,
and confront him and leave, break up for real!
he is sick and enjoy incest.
and underage stuff. pedophile.

and people like that is your biggest danger if you get kids with them.
cause your kids will be the next on they will abuse and make picture of.

i also think you should let his parents see those picture etc.
and know about this.
cause the darkness also of this is the act of having it as a secret.
but its up to you to inform his parents.
but i think break up is what you really need to do right away.
cause who knows that he is involve in more stuff like this.
and people like that can convince you and makes you think its not so bad etc.
if you stay with them , and their sick normal can become yours.

[coconutz]

and the way you talk at the end of your post makes me think that
he can convince you easily that its not wrong and its normal.

cause you are already making excuses for him.

incest is wrong! doesn't matter where or how it happen!

beside who knows they still having sex. thats sick. that means
he have no morals and noting to hold him back from messing with his own blood(think about if you have kids with him then).

beside i think you found out so you can escape from marrying a sick person and
have all of those incest and bad experiences.
but if you ignore it, and still keep the relationship and marriage going on,
dont be surprised when you find yourself further in a black hole.

cause you choose intentionally to be there.

be glad you found out now. and its better and easier to break up a engagement , then a marriage.

[coconutz]

and if you want to marry someone you need to get to know him first,
and find every secret and stuff , cause otherwise your marriage will
be a road of sadness and surprised.

so keeping silence will not solve it. it will come out worse if you marry him anyway.

[LisaW]

Well coconutz, that wasn't the type of response I was expecting, and its not working for me because you include too many assumptions that are black and white. We have been together 3 years and he's not shown any sexual interest in young girls, and I didn't find any other pictures\video among the 100s of pictures he thought he had deleted. His sister has never shown any reservations about being around him, and often calls him just to chat. There is no faking it as some form of denial. If she wasn't his sister, and just some girl, I would be jealous of how close they are, but since they are brother and sister, their closeness has always been OK with me.

My boyfriend and I have privately talked about our past sexual relationships, and he did tell me he first had sex when he was 13, he just never identified who it was, and I never asked. He had sex with various girlfriends over the years, just as I have had sex with various boyfriends. I have even had couple sexual conversations with his sister about her relationships, and it all typical girl talk. No red flags came up that even remotely caused me wonder if anything unusual had occurred in the past. It almost seems as if they had sex as BF & GF at a young age, and moved on as friends, which if not for being siblings, would just be a case of having sex at younger age than what is typical.

If anything, your comments to encourage me to expose him and sister to his family and the world without any further information, only scares me into doing just the opposite. I'd rather do\say nothing than take your suggestion and trigger a firestorm of problems where, as far as I can determined at the moment, all happened over a decade go when they were 12-13. There maybe valid reasons to talk to my boyfriend about it, but your reasons don't work for me.

[michelle23]

I have heard of kids fooling around together at a young age say 5-10 as they are curious and exploring but it is normally not in a sexual way because they are too young to really understand what they are doing and its normally just playing "doctors" or something and some hand touching... (no oral or intercourse)

But he was 13, she was 12 which means they knew what they were doing. And I would be really worried about how close they are now. Are you sure they are not still having sex?

I don't agree with coconutz that you should "expose them" to everyone. That would be wrong. It seems that they both consented to it and maybe they were emotionally unaware of the consequences at the time and realized that it is wrong at some point and stopped doing it.

I feel sorry for you having that conversation-it is going to be awful but you need to do it. You cant marry him knowing this really dark secret. You need answers but I think when he finds out that you know-your relationship will probably end.

Maybe you should just end it and get on with your life without telling him what you found. I don't think I would be able to stick around if I knew what you no.

If you think your relationship can survive this after you have that conversation and that you can move past it-then talk to him about it.

[michelle23]

I feel a little sick reading that to be honest but I am trying to remain objective without letting my emotions take over.. When I was 13 I was so innocent. I thought about sex but didn't want to actually do it. It kinda shocks me when I hear about kids losing their V so young but it happens..

But what he did with his sister is really messed up. I'm sorry but I think if I were you-I would end the relationship.

Plus the fact that he kept the same laptop for so long and there is still evidence of what they did seems suspicious to me. I mean how long does deleted stuff stay in the trash? He could have deleted those files recently.

From now on you will question everything he does with his sister. In your mind you will wonder what they are doing when they are alone together. I don't think you will be able to get that out of your head. It is going to put a lot of distance between you and him and cause jealousy, paranoia etc. It will warp your mind and probably mess you up if you stay together.

[surfhb2]

Well coconutz, that wasn't the type of response I was expecting, and its not working for me because you include too many assumptions that are black and white. We have been together 3 years and he's not shown any sexual interest in young girls, and I didn't find any other pictures\video among the 100s of pictures he thought he had deleted. His sister has never shown any reservations about being around him, and often calls him just to chat. There is no faking it as some form of denial. If she wasn't his sister, and just some girl, I would be jealous of how close they are, but since they are brother and sister, their closeness has always been OK with me.

My boyfriend and I have privately talked about our past sexual relationships, and he did tell me he first had sex when he was 13, he just never identified who it was, and I never asked. He had sex with various girlfriends over the years, just as I have had sex with various boyfriends. I have even had couple sexual conversations with his sister about her relationships, and it all typical girl talk. No red flags came up that even remotely caused me wonder if anything unusual had occurred in the past. It almost seems as if they had sex as BF & GF at a young age, and moved on as friends, which if not for being siblings, would just be a case of having sex at younger age than what is typical.

If anything, your comments to encourage me to expose him and sister to his family and the world without any further information, only scares me into doing just the opposite. I'd rather do\say nothing than take your suggestion and trigger a firestorm of problems where, as far as I can determined at the moment, all happened over a decade go when they were 12-13. There maybe valid reasons to talk to my boyfriend about it, but your reasons don't work for me.

Don't mind Coconut, she's our neighborhood crack pot

This is some really crazy stuff but what concerns me is that fact it was so freely available for you to find.....and so long after this incident happened. I doubt this is a one time thing....in fact I guarantee it isn't

Correct if I wrong but why don't you seem so upset with this? You almost seem like you're willing to brush this off ?

[michelle23]

Shes prob in shock surf. I would be

[LisaW]

Thanks Michelle for your comments. I do wonder when about how long they continued to have a sexual relationship. I can accept it if it was limited to a breif moment in time where they were both sexually curious and they took things a bit too far. Kids make mistakes, so I can't assume (as Coconutz suggests) that what they did at 12-13 is a sign that my boyfriend is some kind of evil monster that has being rapping young girls for the past decade. They are close as brother and sister, but they don't cling to each other in manner that hints they might have a sexual relationship. If they were flirting with each other, I would have suspected something strange was going on between them, but they aren't physical with each other in any unusual way. They do have strong emotional bond that is a bit unusual, but it's always seems healthy. I can say that if his sister and I didn't also have a good friendship, there would be a big strain in our relationship because she is a big part of his life.

If I do talk to him about it, I doubt there will be a sudden change in who he is, it won't be like suddenly I find out he is a totally different person, and the I guy I've known for three years never existed. I am not that naive to be misled by a guy for 3 years while he has secretly been serial sex criminal since the age 13.

[LisaW]

Don't mind Coconut, she's our neighborhood crack pot

This is some really crazy stuff but what concerns me is that fact it was so freely available for you to find.....and so long after this incident happened. I doubt this is a one time thing....in fact I guarantee it isn't

Correct if I wrong but why don't you seem so upset with this? You almost seem like you're willing to brush this off ?

I was more emotional about it when I found it because it was very shocking\unexpected, but I have time to think about it trying to decide what I want to do. What I discovered is 10 years old, its not like I discovered something that just happened. There not a bunch of puzzling questions about unusual behavior that hinted about a secret life or major rift between him and his sister. If he was estranged from his sister and\or family, then it would make perfect since. Since everything otherwise is normal, I want to make sure I don't create problems where none currently exists. And reluctantly, I'll admit (as my boyfriend already knows), I had sex for the first time when I was 13, so I can understand how something like that might happen. I never had sex with a relative, but I was messing around with someone and things went too far, and I discovered I liked sex. And after gone through 4 years of college, I have heard far worse and strange stories about what people have done, stuff I'd never ever do.

[michelle23]

I think no matter what you need answers. You cant pretend you never found that and ignore it and go on to marry him. Be careful how you approach it though. He might freak out knowing that you no and do something stupid.

Approach it in a non-judgmental way and ask him to just be honest and help you to understand. Or you might find it easier to talk to his sister and ask her the questions you need answered.

You could say "I found something recently and I don't want you to worry because I am not going to tell anyone but I need answers" and then tell the story that you told us in your original post.

[coconutz]

Well coconutz, that wasn't the type of response I was expecting, and its not working for me because you include too many assumptions that are black and white. We have been together 3 years and he's not shown any sexual interest in young girls, and I didn't find any other pictures\video among the 100s of pictures he thought he had deleted. His sister has never shown any reservations about being around him, and often calls him just to chat. There is no faking it as some form of denial. If she wasn't his sister, and just some girl, I would be jealous of how close they are, but since they are brother and sister, their closeness has always been OK with me.

My boyfriend and I have privately talked about our past sexual relationships, and he did tell me he first had sex when he was 13, he just never identified who it was, and I never asked. He had sex with various girlfriends over the years, just as I have had sex with various boyfriends. I have even had couple sexual conversations with his sister about her relationships, and it all typical girl talk. No red flags came up that even remotely caused me wonder if anything unusual had occurred in the past. It almost seems as if they had sex as BF & GF at a young age, and moved on as friends, which if not for being siblings, would just be a case of having sex at younger age than what is typical.

If anything, your comments to encourage me to expose him and sister to his family and the world without any further information, only scares me into doing just the opposite. I'd rather do\say nothing than take your suggestion and trigger a firestorm of problems where, as far as I can determined at the moment, all happened over a decade go when they were 12-13. There maybe valid reasons to talk to my boyfriend about it, but your reasons don't work for me.

i did not say tell it to the world. but to his parents.
to break the silent. and give it a push to end if its going on. which i think it is.
and you ask i answered. so its up to you to do with it what you want.

but i have to say i think its a waste of time if you know all of that and ask us advice
but you keep making excuses for him to make it sound right. or not that bad.
so dont have to tell you that you are telling it to yourself.
then why the hell do you even open a topic. go marry him and have kids and let him
alone with them. take his sister in your home. im done there are
people that really need advice in other topics bye bye

my goodness.

[searock]

I think you should talk to him about it. Otherwise it will just keep bothering you on some level, there's no point getting married like that. Let us know how it goes.