Clearing the smoke from my eyes.. i feel kinda bad.

[whatname]

Hopefully u read through all of this it would be of great help to get some opinion, wont take more than 5 mins to read...

So heres the thing about me, regardless of some of the help or opinions that i have requested here before, let me put this out infront here..

I've always had a nice opinion on my self, ive always looked nice in pictures with good lighting, and i know that when i look at my self in a mirror i look better under certain lighting, and under certain facial expressions and angles but yesterday i noticed something and i accept it.

Theres a reason sometimes i refuse to take pictures at all, or pretend that the light in a mirror is having a gruesome effect, and even refuse to take pictures with flash, and that is because unless i am smiling under a good light, i myself think i dont look so good, and yesterday when i finally accepted this thing which ive had in the back of my head, my world crashed down for about 10 mins and then i got up from it.

I got a mirror and made a million facial expressions under various lighting and im lucky overall to be even a 5 out of 10 in looks..a big difference from the self delusion i suppose...

Ive always believed myself to be a very nice and healthy person, i try to always be aware of that around me and thats why i think i live a very nice life and im a happy person in that i am not sad or negative but this is the one thing that gets to me.

Ive always been aware that i tend to delusion myself in a way by looking at my self in various ways but this is it.. i take it easily but then i say, considering that i am introverted and like staying alone, what really hurts is that when i look at pictures and video of my self when i was a kid (8-10) year old pictures, i look so nice, skinny, and my face had such a beautiful chemistry, yet I NEVER thought about my looks and i was so happy, and now that I'm here in the present i feel like im looking at a deceased creature that has lost everything, ive suffered hairloss albeit it hasnt reach the male pattern baldness look, ive got thick thighs, not as much of a nice compact body, and when i put my self in any type of light it looks like i dont even have cheekbones!, and i look so distressing compared to these pictures... heres a comparison..

i feel like today i feel like joaquin phoenix, the left being his best and the right being his worst, thats how i feel and i wonder, how can this happen despite me being the same person?! im not even all too fat, im not fat but it looks like ive got fat concentrated some places and i look like a retard when i dont smile!


So i feel like im not the same guy and i never will be, i feel like i was once a prince with a perfect life, and now i feel like a lonely helpless creature...and i can live with it but i want to aspire for more...it saddens me.

the second problem is that, ya i know that i can lose weight and have a roger federer like body, and a bit of a more contour face due to weight loss

and that maybe with a nice body, clothes, and attitude, maybe that could make up for the MEH face which could get better but even then i might look in the mirror someday even if im that skinny, or as skinny as i once way as realize my face might still be ****ed up..

So what gets to me is that when i see happy people that im close to, or even anyone socializing and having fun i think of my self as not being able to even though in my day i was the king..i used to get so many compliments about my eyes, and i was so popular simply because of the way i looked, now i look like garbage and what saddens me is that, i have a very nice friend for example, she is so "real" and caring and such a stand up person, so open minded and civil, but when i look at some of her other friends and then at my self i say, i dont stand a chance, a i might never will, and the thought of missing out on such a beautiful girl and on so many things i find i had at one time is distraught as i feel inferior to these punks who manage to look beautiful and do whatever i want, i could just imagine my self in a picture with that pretty girl and i would look like trash!

You might say, well define what matters to you, change your perspective on beauty, dont worry about it, a true relationship doesnt focus on looks, a good girl would never tell u to go fck ur self because of your looks, but i know this and i just want one type of life and that is the life i used to have years ago where i could take a million pictures, laughing, talking, smiling,crying, and look BEAUTIFUL!!

i want to be pretty but i just feel i might not be so...so i plan to go on a diet so that when i look in the mirror i finally have the federer skinny body i once had, and even if my hair looks horrible, ill shave it off if i have to, but the worry is that i have ONE goal, and that is to be what i once was, and i want simply nothing else..

Either that, or isolate my self and do everything i love, by my self and without others.

Bottom line is that for me id rather either be what i was or "die" in that sense..

any tips or suggestions?

[whatname]

A good image of how i feel is that, i might look at a picture of this one girl i have a thing for and then look at myself and realize that I'm a dozen leagues behind her department yet not even a decade ago i was the king!

Why o why, see this has had such an effect that 2 years ago i changed into a shorter hairstyle but recently that feeling of not being what i once was creeped in and i went back to my childhood hair, and now that ive tried, i realized my hair cant even do that no more...

And i know the basic rules of what makes someone beautiful, i looked better than a dicaprio ffs and now what i wish is to kill myself socially and talk to no one because i am happy in everything else, except not being able to be the best, i could get a date with an average girl or a below average or even ugly chick, but i dont want that, i want the best and the realization i might not be able to compete for that anymore saddens me!!!!!!

Im a happy person in everything, but love and relationships is the one thing ive never touched and now that i feel that i had something i never fully apreciated and that i cant reach that anymore is bullshit, oh and no hair!

i want to be who i was but i dont think i can, ill go on this diet and do everything to look like i once did, ill have the federer skinny look, ill get the nice jeans that fit in my compact legs kinda like this





But if i still see my face as ugly, ill extinguish my self from public life..what pisses me more off is to see pictures of gorgeous girls that look like horse shit in their 4 year old pics and now look like gods, i was always the white prince with blue eyes and nice hair, now im kind of stocky with a face that doesnt look promising even if i lose weight and dieing hair..

i actually looked alot life federer looks in that picture right there, i find him to be so beautiful even as a man myself, but imagine him as fat and no cheekbones anymore..i mean what is this.

[michelle23]

your insecurities and self loathing is quite sad. you need to stop obsessing and do something about it. it is a normal part of getting older so you cant go back and look the way you once did. it is impossible but you can make the most of what youve got now.

change your hair, diet and excercise, change your style in clothes. try to be fit and healthy. its hard to accept that your not a spring chicken anymore but you dont have one foot in the grave either and need to stop being so negative and pessimistic.

looks are not everything and you need to realize everyone is average. most people are fake but strip away all their fakeness and youve got an average looking person. average is natural beauty and when you add the fakery you get perfection or close to it.

our perception of beauty is warped coz of the media etc.learn to appreciate beauty in everyone-all people have attractive bits and pieces while all people have unattractive bits and pieces.

if you change the way you look at others-youll change the way you see yourself.

insecurity makes you look for others flaws first instead of their beauty.

[smackie9]

Sounds like LR lol.

[michelle23]

and i hate when guys say things like that. "shes average" what does that even mean? shes either attractive or shes not. jeez people

[whatname]

I understand that but the problem the way i see it is that, i am aware of the definition that others have of beauty and i see no reason that any chick would have any type of desire for me, specially when my attitude is so raw. Theres so many beautiful people out there with interesting personalities that make me look like a dead shadow, more so than i ever was.

In y delusions, even a week ago, i was aware that i had a raw attitude but i knew that as a person i was kind and what i think is interesting, and real, and nurturing, but now that i see that, that is so deep in that its hard for people to notice or even care, specially now that i realize i look like BURGHH

Im left with the notion of just giving up on that and walk around like i normally do, except that i would have no notion to have any type of interaction or attempt at any relation..

Because seriously, i can make my self not care about it i suppose but the way i actually look is too bad for others to be interested..its the reality imo.

I guess i just feel so hopeless, that trying to go out there and be someone in a social sense would have no result, specially when up to this point in my life ive been like that anyways, except that now i KNOW im ugly un top of everything else..

Hmmmm.

[whatname]

We all have different ways of viewing someone i suppose, i can see an ugly chick, a gorgeous chick, or a chick that is neither, someone that is not ugly but not super attractive either...

[Wakeup]

*grinz* ^^ @ Smackie Not even LR is that into his own looks/perception of looks.

@ Op: I can't even post any advice except to seek the guidance of a professional. I've never taken, nor do I know of any one else who has taken such an inordinate amout of time out of one's day, to study themself in such minute detail to the point that one couldn't help but find flaws.. possible/likely where none even exist.

Your fixation on how you look isn't healthy. Nor do I think it's mentally healthy or good for your sense of worth. Have you talked to your doctor about this OCD-like habit of examining and negatively critiquing yourself?

[michelle23]

but you are obsessed with looks-that is the problem. we judge people by our own standards. if someone is not your type-that is fine but it doesnt make them ugly.

i bet most people dont look at you and think god my eyes hurt. your perception of yourself and how others view you is thwarted. and by feeding your obsession by analyzing a million photos of you just makes your insecurities worse .

do something constructive with your time by trying to realistically improve some of the things you dont like. it wont happen over night but having realistic goals and working towards achieving them is better than this self loathing

[smackie9]

Whatname you are worse than a teenage girl suffering from anorexia.

[whatname]

I dont know what to do, i guess ill lose the weight i wanna lose, get some nice clothes and hope for the best, oh well.

I dont wanna beat around the bush, i just compare my self to a high level and i guess what you are saying is to forget about it and not put too much importance..but even then, i doubt id get a shot with this friend i mentioned for example.

[Wakeup]

I doubt it too. You're defeatist attitude will fk with your success everytime.. No exceptions.

[whatname]

This is the only thing i have this type of attitude with, too.

I mean its crazy because sometimes i can be arrogant even, as to how highly i think of my self as a person in someways, and then this strikes...

And i think ive felt like this before at less levels, just to eventually forget about it and start looking at my self in certain angles and lighting and feel great again..i mean it so weird, i took a picture the other day and i looked good, smiling and all, but then i get the camera on my macbook, or i go to some ugly lighting, and i dont smile, and i go crazy, i feel like i live in different realities..

Ill aspire to go up, not down, and hopefully with a bit of thinking and doing i can get up, but right now im just so out of it that i listen to this for example for hours

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WiXWsic-rM

thinking about how its "all" over..

[michelle23]

look up narcassistic signs. im not trying to insult or offend you but look it up and see if it sounds familiar.

im not saying you are a narccisist-i dont no you but maybe you need counselling.

[smackie9]

It's called low self esteem. Many youth have it. Don't worry sonny, you will out grow it someday.