Sorry, but this is going to be long - marital and sexual problems

[CamillaB]

Hi all,

I am new to this site and stumbled across it whilst trying to make some sense out of my life. I am probably going to sound pretty incoherent and pathetic but I just don't know who to talk to right now.

I have been married for 17 years. I was fairly young when I got married and it's not something I would have chosen for myself but at the time I was in a religious cult and didn't have much choice.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband - he's a very good man and we survived the cult together and have been out of it for over 10 years. But there are major problems in our relationship which he is never willing to address. I bring them up sporadically - he gets nervous and acts like there's nothing wrong, I drop it and that's it. You might think well why bother doing something about it now but the truth is I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to look back on my life in 40 years time and think why did I waste it.

Our main problems are: - I want a child. He is infertile, won't discuss it, won't seek treatment, refuses to adopt. Pretends it's not an issue. I sometimes wonder if he just enjoys our life without a child too much, and have confronted him about it but he is evasive.

Our sex life is abysmal - always has been pretty bad but I used to put it down to the cult. However, it hasn't improved, if anything has got worse. We hardly ever have sex and if we do it's over in 2 minutes. He suffers from PE and has read about it on internet, but again refuses to seek treatment or talk to anyone about it. I have never had an orgasm in all our married life. He never asks me what I like, what he can do, etc. If I try and broach the subject he gets extremely nervous and comes even quicker the next time we try. We're now basically at the point where he sticks it in, thrusts for a couple of minutes, comes, rolls off and goes for a shower. I don't know if he thinks this is normal. He'd never had sex with anyone before and I just can't get him to open up about it. I've pretty much given up on ever having any kind of pleasurable sex life but now and again I do wonder if it would be possible with someone else.

If we do have any kind of argument or discussion he pretends it never happened. I'm always the one to bring it up and try and talk it out and basically I just don't have the energy anymore. We can carry on living alongside each other, actually more like brother and sister, for the next 40 years, but I just don't want to look back at my life with regret. If I can change something now then I will. My parents both died young and I don't want to waste my life.

I realise the above might sound really dismal. We do have a good life together, are very comfortable financially, have a lovely home, have great holidays and I do enjoy spending time with him. Which is why I find all this so hard. I know if I were to ever leave him all my friends and family would think I'm mad, but I am so lonely and so frustrated! And whenever I do think of leaving him I just contemplate the huge mess there would be with dividing assets, etc. and carry on pretending everything is wonderful. This has been going on for about 8 years now and as I said I'm not getting any younger.

Any thoughts, comments, advice would be greatly appreciated!

[Boisdevie]

It's really simple. There are major areas in your marriage that are making you unhappy. Your husband is unable/unwilling to change things to give you what you need (child, better sex life). So you shut up and keep going on lovely holidays blah de blah OR be a grown up and end the marriage and if friends and family find it hard to deal with then they can get stuffed because it's your life, not theirs.
But I doubt your ability to make rational decisions. People are not forced to join cults and get married. If I had been approached by a cult when I was younger I would have laughed my arse off at them.

[CamillaB]

Thanks for taking the time to respond but I don't recall saying that I was forced to join a cult or that I was forced to get married. Just saying...

[Boisdevie]

I was in a religious cult and didn't have much choice.

Your own words not mine.

[CamillaB]

exactly - the word "forced" isn't in the sentence..., had hoped this forum would be helpful. Will look elsewhere.

[michelle23]

dont take offense. that is just one response. dont let it get to you.

i think you have a few options

1/. tell him your unhappy and you want marriage counselling or you will have no choice but to get a divorce

2/. stay and do nothing

3/. file for divorce now

i think you should go for number one and if he says no start packing your stuff. maybe shocking him into changing will help.

i also think you should go to a sperm bank and use a doner to get pregnant. obviosly discuss this with him first. it will be his baby as much as yours in every way and the doner will be anonymous..

[Boisdevie]

exactly - the word "forced" isn't in the sentence..., had hoped this forum would be helpful. Will look elsewhere.

What help do you need exactly? If what you have written is correct then your marriage is a disaster area, your husband is a dickhead and you should end it asap. Sorry if that doesn't sound cuddly and fluffy.

[Wakeup]

Op: I think you should seriously think about getting your own personal therapy to help give you the strength you need to leave this man. You've not known anything other then being in a "cult" having it arranged that you marry him and then living with him. You've never experienced life on your own and I think the reason you stay, is because you're afraid to leave. Love doesn't have much to do with you not wanting to go, at least not by what you've shared anyway. There is no words of love or appreciatation for your man. Only positive about him mentioned was his ability to support you in some of life's luxuries.

You really don't have very much in common, your sex life sorrily lacks, you want children and he doesn't. Likely, You would never have married this man if you had had a choice. *In fact what you do share with him you could easily share with your very good female friends.

Personal therapy could help you to leave or, it could help you to stay and be more happy doing so. Depends on what you bring out from within.

[CamillaB]

Thanks a lot for some more constructive answers. I think I may have not been very clear about some things though. I was not in an arranged marriage - you could marry who you wanted in the cult but there were no options outside of marriage, like cohabiting first for example. Divorce wasn't allowed but during marriage you were continually made to feel bad about your partner and your own role in the marriage, probably in order to force more allegiance to the cult rather than to your partner. Obviously not a healthy start to any relationship but I know several couples who left and survived and several who left and divorced. And others who are still together but probably don't want to be. I have lived alone, I have had other partners and I am very independent.

My husband is not a dickhead but the child of an alcoholic which only complicates things more. I was hoping to hear from someone who'd possibly had a similar experience. I don't want to give ultimatums and to be honest I don't even know how to broach the subject. But I don't think it's fair to just say sod you and leave. Another human being, who has been shat on most of his life, is also involved.

[michelle23]

I think you should ask your husband for marriage counselling. You need to improve your sex life first of all, your ability to communicate with one another and then plan how you will start a family.

You could consider sex therapy or even a sex surrogate to coach both of you.

Im sure he loves you. It is just fear that holds him back. But will the fear of losing you be enough to take action and sort out your problems?

If he cant meet you half way-then you may have no choice but to leave.

[basilandthyme]

There are some people in life who accept the status quo as 'God's will' or for those who aren't religious 'how it was meant to be'.

My hubby is like this to a degree. He told me that if we'd been unable to have kids, he wouldn't have been open to IVF or adoption etc because he's more about 'whatever will be will be'. Is his attitude right or wrong? That's not for me to say - it's his attitude and it's part of him.

In this case, you know who he is. I agree that you have three options:

1. continue with life as it is without complaint
2. tell him that you need marriage counselling if you are to continue in the marriage
3. divorce him without further discussion.

Edited to add: you don't say how old you are - just that you got married young and for 17 years. I'm thinking about the rapid slide into infertility which we women do after the age of 35. Are you young enough to start over with a few years of dating, finding the right man, marrying and then still be fertile? If you're in your late 30's, you could well have already missed the boat.

[Wakeup]

Thanks a lot for some more constructive answers. I think I may have not been very clear about some things though. I was not in an arranged marriage - you could marry who you wanted in the cult but there were no options outside of marriage, like cohabiting first for example. Divorce wasn't allowed but during marriage you were continually made to feel bad about your partner and your own role in the marriage, probably in order to force more allegiance to the cult rather than to your partner. Obviously not a healthy start to any relationship but I know several couples who left and survived and several who left and divorced. And others who are still together but probably don't want to be. I have lived alone, I have had other partners and I am very independent.

My husband is not a dickhead but the child of an alcoholic which only complicates things more. I was hoping to hear from someone who'd possibly had a similar experience. I don't want to give ultimatums and to be honest I don't even know how to broach the subject. But I don't think it's fair to just say sod you and leave. Another human being, who has been shat on most of his life, is also involved.

Well, if you don't think it's fair to say 'sod it' and leave then besides your own personal councelling to learn how to cope with what you are in, then there are these to consider as well:

A codependents support group which will help you to give up some needs you may have to caretake and/or attempts at control (also known as trying to change him into the man you want him to be) Codependents anonymous (for example) will help you to accept what you have without trying to change it. Or: to change what you can (yourself and what you do) and the courage to do it. You can control yourself, but you'll never be able to control him.

There is also him joining a chapter of "Adult Children of Alcoholics" that may help him to be able to self-nuture his inner child (since he lacked that nuture from his father during his formative years). Of course he has to be open and willing to go. All you can do is suggest it and see if he's open to learning about himself.

And of course, there is marriage councelling, but again. This is something he has to agree to. Only your own councelling is something or joining a codependents support goup are things that you are in control of. Anything concerning the both of you entails him wanting to and being open to going, obviously.

How do you bring it up to him? The same way you brought it up here... Like you've got nothing to lose and everything to gain from seeking out answers that will help you both remain LIFE partners.

Good luck.

[helpmeout10]

Best advise I can give you guys is to try to incorporate a date night into your routine. It will allow you to start remembering the things you love about each other instead of always caught up in the daily boredom of routine.

[HeartIsAching]

Uhhh... seriously?

My wife and I have a date night every week... don't see how it could help these people.

[michelle23]

No I dont think date nights will help yet. There are two many other issues that need to be fixed first.