So confused and wondering what to do.

[Babesicle]

I have been worried about my fiancé lately. He seems fine sometimes and then he'll get distant and moody.

Here's a little background information. We live with another family in a house that's too small for this many people, but even with that, we generally dont see them unless we go upstairs to use the kitchen. They are possibly the worst roommates I have ever seen. Constantly drunk, yelling at their 2 kids for the most trivial things, and blaming us for every problem in the house. Even to the point where we are forced to pay for home repairs we did not cause; like when their son puts holes in the walls, we end up fixing it. We would love to move out, and have even found a place that would be ideal for us and very affordable, however, he is not working and I only work part time as a cashier in retail. He qualifies for disability benefits but is still in the process of getting it. He has EBD (emotional behavior disorder), OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), ADHD, and Anxiety disorder and is on effective medication. Because of our roommates, we generally keep to ourselves in our small bedroom to the point that it has become like a very small studio apartment. We are getting married in September and both of us are very excited about it, we spend hours talking about our plans and figuring out exactly how we want our special day to go.

I understand that EBD can make it difficult for him to relate and communicate with others, but this has not been a problem with me before this. He has always been open and honest with me and I can calm him down easily when things get stressful with another person, especially our roommates.

In the past few weeks he has gotten distant. He will talk to me, but when I try to get intimate, he will close down. We do still cuddle and he will be emotionally intimate with me, but we have not had sex in weeks. He will promise to join me in the shower and I wait for him, but he never comes, or he will say he's too tired and promise to do something in the morning, but it never happens. Sex is not by any means the most important thing to me, but I am beginning to wonder if he is still physically attracted to me, or if I have done something wrong. I can see that he loves me, and that he still wants to marry me, but I'm so confused. I want to help him and I don't know how. At times, we will have a small and trivial disagreement and suddenly he'll burst out with something like "Fine, I'm wrong, you're right, whatever." Or he'll escalate a playful argument into a real one and it will end the same way.

I have tried to talk to him about things and he says he is stressed. He says it is a few things; him not working and being able to provide a better life for me, money, the environment we live in, and a few other things. I can't stand this anymore. I've started having dreams about sleeping with other people, it's been men I work with, I think part of this is because I'm transferring stores and dont want to lose these friendships, but it still worries me. In real life, even if I were single, I would not actually sleep with these men.

Any advice you can give would be greatly appreciated. I don't know what to do and sometimes I just feel like crying because I don't want this rift to get bigger and lose him.

[Wakeup]

Don't worry hon. He's not going anywhere.

[Babesicle]

How do I help him through all this stress? He is always able to give me a solution to the problems I have, but I feel useless in this. He says he feels like a bum because he's not working, but I see how hard he tries and either doesn't get an interview, or does and then doesn't get hired. And I see how much he puts himself between me and our housemates so that I won't have to deal with them. He carries all the burdens and I want to help him through it but he doesn't want me to get stressed out because of it too.

[kat82]

Congratulations on getting married Can I ask how long you have been together? Sometimes, when stress overcomes a relationship, and if you have been together for a long time, sex can be few & far between (unfortunately). It sounds like you guys are just going through a rough time, it doesn't mean he loves you any less. It can be difficult to cope sometimes, and if he's anything like me, he's just holding it all in. Is he ok, with his anxiety/ocd etc? Is he on medication? I'm only concerned about that because I know someone who has depression caused by OCD, and when he gets really (I mean REALLY) depressed he stops talking and gets moody.

I don't think it sounds like he's less attracted to you. He just wishes he could get a job and get you guys out of that bad living situation. Maybe just have a sit down with him and talk to him about it?

I'm sort of going through similar issues...we are getting married in September, been together 8 years. I make a lot more money, and he struggles financialy.

[michelle23]

Make sure you are prepared for all the ups and downs that come with his disorders. It is not going to be easy. ADHD alone is very tough to deal with in a relationship and he has three other disorders that will make life even harder.

Im not saying you and he cant be happy but it wont be easy.

Just make sure you are ready for such a big commitment.

Maybe you and he should sort out your financial situation and your living arrangement before getting married. It will make life easier in general.

Best of luck

[Sheilab]

Hi Babesicle,
It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate, a lot to deal with right now. However, all is not lost, but it will take a little unraveling.

The real problem is you would like your fiance to show you the love and support you desire without you having to constantly seek it out. and there's nothing wrong with that.You are a woman and it is only natural for a woman to want to feel secure in a relationship, it's actually part of our makeup.

So the question is how do you get him to love and treat you with the tender attention you need?

well you have to ask yourself a few questions: is he in a place right now to really give you what you need? I think not. He seem to have a lot of thing that he needs to sort out in his own life as a mature adult man.

He will be feeling overwhelmed With the fact that he is finding it difficult to take care of himself financially and emotionally as well as try to take care of you. You may say "oh I don't need taking care off" But the fact is you do. And most men deep down want to be in a position to support and take care of the woman and people in their life. and when they can't do that they feel that life is out of control and their emotions start to spiral. men can become more and more withdrawn when they feel that they do not have control of their life and this can spiral into a downward motion.

your fiance will only start to notice you when he starts to feel better about himself. Nothing you can do can affect the way he feels about himself of the situation he finds himself in. He must take control of his own mind and the actions he chooses will determine if he will change the course of your lives.

To be Honest, Marraige is a wonderful thing and it is great that you want to get married, But have you really thought it through.

Ask yourself if: You are ready to live with the decisions he makes because every decision he makes will ultimately affect you and if you have a family your family. Are you prepared to always be tiptoeing around him to avoid setting him off? Remember you are making this decision for the rest of your life. Also if your so called 'honeymoon 'period (you are not married yet) is as difficult as it is now what will it be like when you have been married for a number of years and the pressure of children (if you have any ) are involved.

marriage is beautiful but it does not get easier like any relationship the closer you are to a person the more you must work at it to keep it beautiful.

Think about it, you are close to your parents or siblings what was life like growing up? You spoke to them exactly as you wanted without too much regard for their feelings. This is the same in marriage or any long term relationship.

\what I'm saying is you should go into a marriage with as few problems as possible. if you go into it heavily laidened with problems You are setting yourself up to fail.

Instead, Give each other time to solve your problems independently. only then when you are not so dependent on one another will you be able to clearly see if this is the right relationship for you or not.

It takes a lot to step back and really assess what you are getting yourself into. Don't think that this is the best you can do.. Have courage and give yourself some time to see if you really want to be in this relationship for the right reasons. He may be feeling the same as well. If this relationship is really for you them time apart straightening out your lives and building yourselves up will be time well spent and you will then have the clarity you need to make the right decisions.

[Wakeup]

Why anyone would ever consider marriage when things are as you describe is beyond me however: This is your life, so welcome to it Babe.

I suggest you decide pretty quick if you can do this for the rest of your life. The only thing that will get any better is your financial situation should he manage to get a job and be able to keep it.

Can you look into the future and see yourself like this when your 30, 40, 50? Just because he shields you from the dysfunctional family unit upstairs, it doesn't mean you owe him a life of caretaking.

Where is your own family and why are'nt you living with them until you're married? What makes you stay in a hell-hole with him prior to tying the knot?

[bcgirl]

Is there another place you can rent that were of similar price so u can get away from your crazy room mates. This just adds unnecessary stress that you both don't need. As for living with someone with emotional disorders is tough. How long have you two been together? What is going to happen after marriage? Are you going to continue living with your room mates?

[Babesicle]

Once we have another source of income, whether it is SSI, him getting a job, or me getting full time, we can move. Sheilab; he doesn't get angry and violent, when he gets stressed out and overwhelmed, he shuts down. So I do not walk on eggshells. I have never had to try not to set him off. Wakeup; we live here because it is the only place we can afford. When we moved in, they were actually totally different people and he had known them for years and was very close with them. When our roommate's brother died last year, she started drinking heavily and was no longer able to control herself. We had absolutely no problems with them before this. And I do see myself with him when I'm 30, 40, and 50. Marriage is thick and thin, better or worse. If a couple cannot do this before they get married, why should they expect to be able to after? Bcgirl: we pay what we do because when we moved in, we were friends with the family and they were helping us out by giving us a very low rent. We haven't been able to find anything else this cheap without being really far from my job. We do not plan on living with them after we are married. And I don't live with my family because I have no desire to. It's not that I dislike them, but it was not just not the right choice for me. I also believe that living separate until marriage is silly. How do you know if you can share a bed with someone for the rest of your life if you have never lived with them. Living with someone lets you see how they are on a daily basis. Even down to the things that don't matter as much like how often they clean the bathroom, rather than only seeing what they want you to see while you're there.