Love & finances...need advice

[kat82]

I don't know if it's advice I need, or just words of encouragement. I'm sorry if this post is long. Some background: I am 30, my sort-of-fiance (you'll see why I referred to him as that in a moment) is 34. We have been together for 8 years. We have had great times, and some rocky times, but we always worked through our issues. One of our issues has been finances. I make twice as much money as he does. He has bad credit, I have excellent credit. He made some mistakes when he was 18 or 19, and has some debt he is paying off. Lately, his finances are getting better. Aside from his day job, he is making web pages for extra money. He comes home from work, and most nights he is on his computer for the rest of the night. Some people (mostly my family, who are just looking out for me) see him in a negative way, because in the past I have picked up the slack a little when he couldn't afford a payment or something. I don't see it that way, because he works his butt off and as long as someone is a hard worker, that's all I care about. We have been talking about getting married for the last couple of years, but he was trying to get his debt paid down a little more so that he could afford a ring. On new years eve, (also our anniversary) I told him I don't really care about a ring anymore...if that's all that's holding us back. He said that if that is the case, we should just do it & get married....this summer or fall. So, we decided on September. We have also put an offer on a house. It's all in my name, because of his credit. He doesn't have savings, so the down payment, closing costs, are coming out of my account. He will be contributing toward the monthly payments, however.

A few weeks ago, I asked him when we should tell our parents that we are getting married. He replied "when I get you a ring." I was surprised, but he said "You didn't really think I was going to face our families without putting a ring on your finger, did you?" Ok, fast forward to last week. I realized that in about 6 months he is going to have to start paying his school loans off. I asked him if that's going to be a problem, with the house & all, and he said don't worry, I'm making a lot of money with the web design now. He said he was going to give me some money to put toward the house too. I said, instead of doing that, just save the extra money he makes, for the school loans. He said ok. So, here starts what I'm upset about. Last night, he comes home with a $1,000 tablet thing. He says it's for his web design business so that he can work during the day (even though A. he's got a huge desk top comptuer at home & B. he drives for work all day-how his he going to work on websites??). I asked how much it was, and he said "A lot. Don't worry, you're getting your ring soon." I got pretty mad. All I wanted was for him to show some financial responsibility, save some money. Then he makes a snide comment like that?

This morning he asked me if I was mad about it, & I told him I thought it was irresponsible of him to buy this 'toy' and that it hurt my feelings that he said that about the ring. He apoligized and said he would return it. He did seem genuinly sorry. Of course, now I feel guilty like I did something wrong. Is it wrong of me to feel this way? I'm just tired of him being so financially irresponsible. Like I said, he works so hard, but I can't help but get mad over this. When we have kids, and this house, is it always going to be like this? Instead of using extra money to save toward his family, is he just going to buy himself toys? I dont' know. Thank you for listening, and I'm sorry this is so long.

[michelle23]

Im not sure if its a good idea to have everything in your name. I mean what if you break up and your left to pay everything alone? Will you be able to afford that?

I think you have every right to feel mad about this. Your supposed to be getting married, buying a house together and he has lots of debt to pay off which means he should not be buying anything new unless its something he really needs and he doesn't need the tablet thing he bought.

I dont think you should get married until all the debt is paid or at least until he has a solid plan of how its going to be paid each month and how long its going to take.

Also how much is he earning from the website? You said he spends hours on it each night right? Is it worth it? Or would it be a better idea for him to get another part time job somewhere else. If hes only earning say an extra 100-200 a month for like 900 hours-then it is just a waste of time and doesn't make financial sense. However if he is earning a lot from it and he can see it bringing in more and more money each month-then it may be worth it in the long term.

[michelle23]

They say the first year of marriage is the hardest and it will just be even harder if you and he are fighting about money all the time. Putting a ring on your finger will not erase any of your problems and it will probably just make life more stressful.

That is why it is better to get married when you don't have anything major to argue about. Otherwise you and he could be divorced within a year and just end up in even more debt.

[kat82]

I would say he spends perhaps 20 hours a week on the web design thing...and he loves doing it. He is trying to start his own business out of it. At first it was slow & he was making no money, but now it seems like he's got clients lining up...which is why he's able to be paying down his debt now. So, I guess that's why I thought it was ok to go ahead & get a house and get married. But this 'stunt' has really upset me...it feels like he just showed me that he'll never have a mature sense of money or how to save it for important things. I'm too deep into this home purchase now. The good thing about the house only being in my name is...the mortgage company would not approve me for more than I could afford. So, if we did break up, I could afford the payments on my own (although it would be rough).

[michelle23]

I think you need to sit down and have a proper chat with him. Try to make it sound like your not nagging-your just concerned. Men are such babies when it comes to criticism so you have to spoon feed it in or they'll get their nappy in a twist

Just tell him you have major financial concerns and tell him you appreciate how hard he is working (stroke that ego with lots of praise) but you need to be sure you can rely on him especially if your gonna marry him and commit to buying a house together.

At least you no you will be okay if things dont work out (I hope they do though)

[kat82]

Haha yes they are such babies when they are A) sick or B) confronted/criticized, etc.

We have had many financial discussions but I think what I need to do is tell him straight out that he needs to show me some financial maturity or we are not getting married. I could afford the house on my own, but I can't afford to get stuck with his debt if we get married. It's very hard to admit to it, but I'm realizing that perhaps the fall is too soon for us to get married. He needs to show me that he can pay those student loans and be responsible about it.

Thank you for the words of advice, I just joined this site today and it really helps!

[bearz]

I just bought a tab myself last year, most retarded purchase I have made in many, many years. It's really just a toy and nothing else. It doesn't replace his desktop computer and for things on the go you can just use your smartphone if you have one. So I definitely agree that what he did was stupid and he should have spent or saved that money. I can understand though where he's coming from. If you really can't afford to buy anything nice for a long time and finally are able to, you just go over board sometimes. I hope he can return it AND get his money back. Unless they give him a store credit and they sell jewelry as well, that'll work out nicely then for you!

And where's our blanket statement police! Not all men are babies when it comes to being sick and being criticized. Geez!

[kat82]

"If you really can't afford to buy anything nice for a long time and finally are able to, you just go over board sometimes."

VERY true...he hasn't spent much money on himself in a long time, so I can understand that mentality. But he couldn't have picked a WORSE time!

[michelle23]

And where's our blanket statement police! Not all men are babies when it comes to being sick and being criticized. Geez!

haha it was just a joke. trying to make her smile coz shes stressed and its true that most men cant handle criticism so you have to approach it with tact if you dont want it to go in one ear and out the other.

[bearz]

LOL, I know it was, that's why I quoted her post. But you women aren't necessarily better when it comes to money and shopping... just sayin!

[michelle23]

We have had many financial discussions but I think what I need to do is tell him straight out that he needs to show me some financial maturity or we are not getting married. I could afford the house on my own, but I can't afford to get stuck with his debt if we get married. It's very hard to admit to it, but I'm realizing that perhaps the fall is too soon for us to get married. He needs to show me that he can pay those student loans and be responsible about it.

Don't make any rash decisions like calling off the wedding. If you really think its better to postpone it-then do that but don't do it in the middle of an argument or while your still mad at him

[michelle23]

yes women can be just as bad when it comes to criticism but even if we protest and get defensive it still sinks in most of the time and its taken on board.

[Wakeup]

Officer Wakeup of the blanket statement police at your service:

"Most men can't handle critcism." That would be a preconceived notion. Many PEOPLE can't handle criticism. It's about the ego and the more fragile one's ego is, it appears more unable they are in handling it.

but even if we protest and get defensive it still sinks in most of the time and its taken on board.

oye vey!

[kat82]

Don't make any rash decisions like calling off the wedding. If you really think its better to postpone it-then do that but don't do it in the middle of an argument or while your still mad at him

Oh I'm not going to cancel it. I've decided that it will need to be postponed. I will need to see that he can pay his studen loans for a few consecutive months before we get married. We only want a small gathering with about 15 people (immediate family only) so it would not be a big hassle to push it back. Hell, no one even knows that we are planning on a wedding yet.

[michelle23]

Thats a good idea get your finances sorted first and maybe his website will be bringing in more money by then.