Should I be okay with this?

[ssss]

My fiancee and I have a trusting, exclusive relationship. She is young and sexy. Guys constantly seem to want to get with her. I am not bragging, It is just something I have accepted or I would probably be jealous all the time and ruin our wonderful realtionship. For the most part she seems to aviod these guys. Alot of it takes place at work though, so it is unaviodable. She works in a large social office setting and her manager position requires alot of interaction. It seems all her male friends either want to get with her or they are gay (she literally has alot of gay friends). I really do trust her and she has always been honest and open with me.

She came home late from work yesterday after going drinking alone with a male coworker/friend. In the past it has not bothered me when she has a couple drinks with her coworkers. Recently she has had a coworker who feared for his job accuse her of sexual harassment, among other more minor things. Apparently this person was a good friend who was horrible at his job and had only kept it while others had been let go because of her favoritism (she is a team manager). She stopped cutting him breaks and he accused her of some negative things. She did say, "we were really close, you know when two people get really close they can get touchy, but not in a bad way". She claimed she thought of him as a little brother. He later apologized and said he only said that because he thought she was going to fire him. She also mentioned a couple months ago about a male coworker/friend who has said it is his mission to get with her.

Since I do trust her I havent always bothered asking for names to her stories or have not put that much effort into remembering the ones given. I am unclear at this point, but based on her reaction when i replied "cool, what friend" I now suspect all 3 things mentioned above are the same guy. I will be clearing this up shortly. She had asked me "what do u mean what friend" and said 4 other short things before giving the name, with me asking "which friend" in the meantime. Almost seemed like I was suppose to recognize the name but in a bad way. On there own, the 3 things I mentioned in the last paragraph doesnt bother me much, but together it does seem to bother me that she would continue to go out drinking with this person alone. I have been thinking alot about why this would bother me when I have not been jealous with her in the past. I am starting to come to the conclusion that I should not be expected to not be bothered by this.

What does everyone think. Would this bother you and what would you expect from your fiancee?

I am curious in others opinions as I have been in what seems to be a slight bad mood for a month and wonder if that is effecting my reaction. Things of note, she is 23 and when I say drinking she is not getting trashed.. just a couple or so but she is also a light weight. If the coworker from yesterday turns out not to be the same as the other two, then I will forget about it.

Thanks for you time

[michelle23]

Her drinking alone with a male "friend" is not acceptable. To me that is crossing a line. Other people who see them together would assume they are dating which is why its not cool for her to spend one on one alone time with a male unless it is work related and purely professional.

You should have a chat with her about this and tell her it bothers you. If she respects your feelings and loves you and wants you to trust her-she wont do this again. Ask her how would she feel if it was you behaving this way with a female colleague. She should understand your concerns.

Also she doesn't sound like a professional manager or team leader to me getting all touchy feely with the staff and even being accused of sexual harassment (that is huge) and getting too close to her make co-workers is unprofessional too.

If the whole team or half the team were going for drinks-its okay for her to join them but not just one male co-worker alone. That is suspicious.

I would see all of this as a major red flag. It is time to discuss boundaries and what is acceptable/unacceptable when it comes to co-workers and opposite sex friends. This is how affairs start btw-getting too close to a "friend"

[pcmaster]

Sounds ok to me but eventually she will use all the freedom that is given to her.

[ssss]

Her drinking alone with a male "friend" is not acceptable. To me that is crossing a line. Other people who see them together would assume they are dating which is why its not cool for her to spend one on one alone time with a male unless it is work related and purely professional.

You should have a chat with her about this and tell her it bothers you. If she respects your feelings and loves you and wants you to trust her-she wont do this again. Ask her how would she feel if it was you behaving this way with a female colleague. She should understand your concerns.

Also she doesn't sound like a professional manager or team leader to me getting all touchy feely with the staff and even being accused of sexual harassment (that is huge) and getting too close to her make co-workers is unprofessional too.

If the whole team or half the team were going for drinks-its okay for her to join them but not just one male co-worker alone. That is suspicious.

I would see all of this as a major red flag. It is time to discuss boundaries and what is acceptable/unacceptable when it comes to co-workers and opposite sex friends. This is how affairs start btw-getting too close to a "friend"

Thank you for your input. In the past it has been a whole team/half team thing and is usually less than once a week. I know of only one time when she had drinks with a agent alone, that was a couple months ago i think and I didnt even bother asking if it was a male or female. We will be having discussions at some point.

[ssss]

Sounds ok to me but eventually she will use all the freedom that is given to her.

That is in the back of my mind. I have never bothered to attempt to limit her freedom because I have and still do trust her. I am starting to think limits might need to be set in place for both of us regardless of trust. To be honest I have basically self imposed those limits on myself without any pressure from her. I think I am also partially worried about ruining a great thing as we get along so well. Just trusting each other (and being trustworthy) really can save alot of arguements and trust is a corner stone of any relationship.

[Wakeup]

I have been thinking alot about why this would bother me when I have not been jealous with her in the past.

I think this bothers you now because most normal people would not continue to associate (as friends or otherwise) with someone that accused them of sexual harassment when none took place. Now your mind is setting off alarm bells thinking "did she actually sexually harass him?" or "does she need him in her life that bad that she'd still keep him around after betraying her in such a way, where is her pride, her self-worth, why spend time alone after being accused of such a thing?"

Have you asked her why she'd still continue to associate with a guy that is such a weasle?

[ssss]

Well I have the day off today and nothing to do but wait for her to get home so I can talk to her. She will probaly call on lunch but I am not going to bother bringing it up while she is at work. That actually reminds me. I think part of the reason it was bothering me is that we talked on her lunch yesterday. She had asked me if I had any plans later, I said no. I asked her the same, she said no and said she would call me before she left work (i never requested this). She never called then came home late. I also now remember that the client (another guy who hits on her) for one of the accounts had given her a gift of something to drink as a congratulations for passing probation for her new position. This happened last week and I guess it was the first time he had come by the office since. She is actually a very hard working dedicated individual and is great at her job. Anyways, now I am hoping she did not take whatever the gift was to this agents house or whatever. I think I will have to clarify that as well.

I am hoping all these stupid connections I am making are just that, stupid lol.

[ssss]

I think this bothers you now because most normal people would not continue to associate (as friends or otherwise) with someone that accused them of sexual harassment when none took place. Now your mind is setting off alarm bells thinking "did she actually sexually harass him?" or "does she need him in her life that bad that she'd still keep him around after betraying her in such a way, where is her pride, her self-worth, why spend time alone after being accused of such a thing?"

Have you asked her why she'd still continue to associate with a guy that is such a weasle?

Thanks and I agree. At this point I am thinking can it really be the same co-worker? I still dont know that for sure.. mostly because of my own stupidity, not her hiding things from me. After things are clarified, I expect more questions to follow or need for them to disappear.

[ssss]

Any other opinions? It is quite helpful to read even if alot of it may seem obvious hehe.

[Wakeup]

Thanks and I agree. At this point I am thinking can it really be the same co-worker? I still dont know that for sure.. mostly because of my own stupidity, not her hiding things from me. After things are clarified, I expect more questions to follow or need for them to disappear.

Why didn't she tell you what 'friend' she was with when you asked her? That would be another red flag that is making your gut instinct act up. You did say you asked her who it was already, right? Or have I mis-read?

but based on her reaction when i replied "cool, what friend"

Can you explain What you read her reaction to be?

Sorry, I'm trying to figure out why you didn't just then and there ask her if this was the same douche who falsly accused her of sexual harrassment. You've "been in a bad mood for a month." Why would you let this steam in you for so long?

[ssss]

Why didn't she tell you what 'friend' she was with when you asked her? That would be another red flag that is making your gut instinct act up. You did say you asked her who it was already, right? Or have I mis-read?

Can you explain What you read her reaction to be?

Sorry, I'm trying to figure out why you didn't just then and there ask her if this was the same douche who falsly accused her of sexual harrassment. You've "been in a bad mood for a month." Why would you let this steam in you for so long?

I asked her who she was with when she got home and she did give me the name. Not right away but she did. It is possible I confused her as like I mentioned before, I havent always asked for names in the past and she is usually with more than one person so I dont bother. The name meant nothing to me but I got the feeling it should. I pay attention to what she tells me but I dont remember the name of the coworker/friend who said it is his mission to get with her or something like that or the name of the coworker/friend who accused her of sexual harassment. For some reason I suddenly got the feeling it all might be the same person. I intend to ask her for those names at some point tonight when she is off work. I made a point to remember the guys name from last night haha.

[Wakeup]

Well, let us know what she has to say. This could all just be a simple misunderstanding but I'm in total agreement with Michelle. I think it's totally inappropriate for a woman or a man to be having one on one drinks with members of the opposite sex. Sometimes within certain careers its necessary to secure a client over a dinner which I think should be a one off and done during lunch so its pyschologically less intimate then a dinner over wine/drinks and it's clear its business.

She's young and you've taught her with your blase attitude about it that it's okay what she's been doing. I think you're going to have to discuss this with kid gloves now or she's going to get on the defensive big time. Don't demand anything. Just use your *I* words and don't accuse. "I feel a form of disrespect when you spend one-on-one time with men who have vowed to 'get with you' I would feel less uneasy if you were to shut down men like him and keep it to group functions only. what do you think about that?" kind of thing.

[ssss]

Thanks for your input. I am definitely going to approach this carefully as I love her alot and we have a really good thing going. That is basically why I didnt bother asking for the other names last night. I knew I was already upset and did not want to start a big arguement. I was starting to get worried because she had said she would be comming straight home after work and was quite late so I was just happy she was home. I figured I would take a day to think it all over and use a careful approach. Hopefully I will just be able to think of myself as a dumb for doubting her at all.

[michelle23]

Alot of this info is screaming red flag to me. I mean I know lots of good looking intelligent successful young women who dont get a lot of attention from men because they either ignore it or as soon as they feel the vibe-they tell them "i have a bf" or "im married". I mean anytime I feel a vibe off someone and think hes coming onto me-I try to send out a vibe that im not interested and if he doesnt pick up on it-I make it clear I have a bf..

I think when people get this much attention-they must be encouraging it in some way...

You need to decide whether you trust her or not and if not-walk away

[ssss]

She's young and you've taught her with your blase attitude about it that it's okay what she's been doing.

This is a good point as I am her first serious relationship and only the 2nd guy she has slept with. I think part of the reason I trust her so much is because she was raised to see sleeping around as a negative thing. She had intended to only sleep with her future husband but unfortunately the guy she thought that was going to be cheated on her so she eventually left. We both agree that trust is very important and she has seen first hand the pain cheating can cause.