Processing Feelings Over Boyfriend's Sons Mom

[ladyluck87]

Yes, she hates me. She has sent me messages on Facebook, had her family stalk me, and Im certain she was behind some fake profile that contacted me recently. Through it all, I've never said a word. All of this without ever getting to know me. I also have a child, but I am not this type of ex, so I don't understand her.

In the past, she overstepped her boundaries quite frequently but it's gotten better since my boyfriend put his foot down. They have the baby together but their relationship was brief and tumultuous during their brief courtship. So I definitely feel a little weird to see her telling his family on Facebook that she wants to take vacations with them and continuously make plans to do things that clearly have nothing to do with the child. If its about him, no biggie. But she uses the child as a pawn and now that he no longer allows that...she uses his family to stay close and in the know.

I can't help but to feel that it's really inappropriate for her to continuously plan vacations and trips as if she is the girlfriend. She only met the family once and I guess she wasn't informed that based on her behavior that they don't want her back...she's tolerated for the young baby. However she's stepped on my toes enough and I'm annoyed now. What do I do or say in this situation?! I believe saying nothing is better but who knows?!

[pcmaster]

Just give it time when you both will be 40 -50 hormones will settle down.

[ladyluck87]

Hahahahahaha @ 40-50. That's hilarious. I don't compete or fight over anyone...she can have it...I'm just about over her antics. It's too much.

[bearz]

I hate to say it, but crap like this is sort of what you signed up for when you got together with your boyfriend, knowing that he already had a child. This obviously isn't working out for anyone involved and your boyfriend and his ex need to figure out a solution. There is nothing you can do except tell your boyfriend how you feel and how much it bothers you what his ex is doing. He needs to tell her to knock it off, stop talking to or messaging you, and don't plan vacations without his (and ultimately your) consent. Also talk to your boyfriend and his family about what they can do to keep his ex away from you.

You could also just ditch Facebook and a lot of your problems would go away. But what would people do without Facebook and Twitter these days? Their whole world would come crumbling down.

[ladyluck87]

I hate to say it, but crap like this is sort of what you signed up for when you got together with your boyfriend, knowing that he already had a child. This obviously isn't working out for anyone involved and your boyfriend and his ex need to figure out a solution. There is nothing you can do except tell your boyfriend how you feel and how much it bothers you what his ex is doing. He needs to tell her to knock it off, stop talking to or messaging you, and don't plan vacations without his (and ultimately your) consent. Also talk to your boyfriend and his family about what they can do to keep his ex away from you.

You could also just ditch Facebook and a lot of your problems would go away. But what would people do without Facebook and Twitter these days? Their whole world would come crumbling down.

Thank you for your sincere and diligent reply! : ) I guess I thought that once she saw how serious we were and once he laid down the law, it would stop. While her antics have greatly diminished, they have not stopped altogether.

She called his mom about a month ago and told her that the three of them were all going to New York together, but my boyfriend didn't know anything about it. She planned a trip to New York last year when he was there with his family but she planned it through his cousins without asking him or even telling him that she was coming.

She has made it abundantly clear that she hates me, which is fine. Lol. She has also made it clear that she doesn't want me in her son's life at all even though he and I are getting married in December. It is baffling that she feels so strongly over someone who has tolerated her abuse, her attempts to destroy mine and my boyfriends' relationship, and someone she has never even met or tried to get to know. She's angry with my boyfriend because he doesn't allow her to dangle the baby over him now and now he is filing for visitation through the court system; but I have a strong feeling that once the DNA test come back...results will determine something else, which is why she refused up until this point. She went as far as to tell him that the baby calls her new boyfriend daddy BUT you want to plan vacations and spend time with this "supposed deadbeat dad" and his family? Okay.

I have SERIOUSLY considered getting rid of Facebook...I think that I will. I went for so long without it that it's not necessarily a staple in my life, but I do feel like "Why do I always allow her to make me run away from everything?"

[vashti]

It is baffling that she feels so strongly over someone who has tolerated her abuse, her attempts to destroy mine and my boyfriends' relationship, and someone she has never even met or tried to get to know.

Is it really "baffling"? We are talking about a woman who brought life into the world with your boyfriend. Obviously, it would have been better for this child if his/her parents were together, without extra people being thrust upon him. Also, I think it is a GOOD thing if she has his family involved in the kid's life.

I understand her behavior annoys you, but I agree with bearz that you have signed up for all this. Try to think about what is good for your boyfriend's child.

[Wakeup]

Like it or not, ladyluck this little boy has fraternal grandparents and cousins that want to see their grandchild/cousin etc. Now, once your bf gets HIS act together and gets the proper visitation schedule in place as well as his child support going regular, then hopefully he'll have the balllz to tell her to lay off his family altogether and he can take the child to visit his family when its his turn for custody. I'd be asking myself (if I were you) why paternity testing, child custody and support wasn't already in place before he started dating again. IMO, that lack of responsibility says alot about him.

[ladyluck87]

Is it really "baffling"? We are talking about a woman who brought life into the world with your boyfriend. Obviously, it would have been better for this child if his/her parents were together, without extra people being thrust upon him. Also, I think it is a GOOD thing if she has his family involved in the kid's life.

I understand her behavior annoys you, but I agree with bearz that you have signed up for all this. Try to think about what is good for your boyfriend's child.

As I said before, I have a child...I could careless who my ex dates. Even I did, I would never be as cruel and malicious as this young lady has been. She is 23 with a son from a previous relationship...this isn't new to her.

She ran him off several months before I was even a thought by strangling him, keying his apartment door, and vandalizing his car. He ISN'T interested in being with her because of HER...I tried sympathizing with her plight and losing her man and her image of family...that went out the door the day she found me on Facebook and said some of the most hurtful and ugly things to me...and that was the first interaction she and I had ever had.

The best thing I can do for him is continue to walk him through the legal visitation process and take him to see his lawyers so that he will always be in his son's life without necessarily going through her.

[ladyluck87]

No, the reason I'm annoyed is that the cruise doesn't involve the baby...she's trying to do some other bonding stuff...I really don't know what she's trying to do but often times, the things she does involving him and his family HAVE nothing to do with the child.

He essentially has been doing any and every thing she told him to do, and when she put him on child support, he should have done the DNA testing. He said he asked and she said she wasn't doing it, and he didn't push it from there because he said he didn't know that he had any rights.

[Wakeup]

The best thing I can do for him is continue to walk him through the legal visitation process and take him to see his lawyers so that he will always be in his son's life without necessarily going through her.

Really? Frankly, this is your life and you know what you're getting into. If you go ahead and marry into all this with your children then it's on you to be able to accept what you're buying into. Frankly, I wouldn't walk any man through the process of looking after his own child. As I said, says a lot about his character so learn to cope or get away from it all.

If you can't cope, then don't try... just leave and if you're still single when he's figured out his sh*t, then consider a relationship with him then. You've taken on way too much baggage and already you can't cope. What makes you think it's going to get any easier when you're married? It's you that is working to get regular visitation in place, he's not doing much of anything but letting you. (or so it seems from what you've shared).

Good luck, Lady. I think you're going to need it plus a lot of tolerance. Hopefully you'll not lose your attraction for him when/if you realize you've been like a mother to him rather then an equal partner.

[PradaChanel]

Like it or not, ladyluck this little boy has fraternal grandparents and cousins that want to see their grandchild/cousin etc. Now, once your bf gets HIS act together and gets the proper visitation schedule in place as well as his child support going regular, then hopefully he'll have the balllz to tell her to lay off his family altogether and he can take the child to visit his family when its his turn for custody. I'd be asking myself (if I were you) why paternity testing, child custody and support wasn't already in place before he started dating again. IMO, that lack of responsibility says alot about him.

I agree. I wouldnt necessarily say that you signed up for this because Im sure you were under the impression that he had this BS together. He needs to get it together because she shouldnt be running around acting like shes the queen of the pack or something. Having the nerve to contact you, she one of them silly broads and that can be annoying, so you need to tell him to focus on getting that situation str8 or your out of there because you dont have time for that.

[ladyluck87]

Really? Frankly, this is your life and you know what you're getting into. If you go ahead and marry into all this with your children then it's on you to be able to accept what you're buying into. Frankly, I wouldn't walk any man through the process of looking after his own child. As I said, says a lot about his character so learn to cope or get away from it all.

If you can't cope, then don't try... just leave and if you're still single when he's figured out his sh*t, then consider a relationship with him then. You've taken on way too much baggage and already you can't cope. What makes you think it's going to get any easier when you're married? It's you that is working to get regular visitation in place, he's not doing much of anything but letting you. (or so it seems from what you've shared).

Good luck, Lady. I think you're going to need it plus a lot of tolerance. Hopefully you'll not lose your attraction for him when/if you realize you've been like a mother to him rather then an equal partner.

So true. Everything you said is true. I made a decision a little while ago that I have to learn to put up or shut. So I won't make a decision in haste, but I am contemplating it now. Thank you so much for your insight and for your advice; it is sound and needed. : )

[ladyluck87]

I agree. I wouldnt necessarily say that you signed up for this because Im sure you were under the impression that he had this BS together. He needs to get it together because she shouldnt be running around acting like shes the queen of the pack or something. Having the nerve to contact you, she one of them silly broads and that can be annoying, so you need to tell him to focus on getting that situation str8 or your out of there because you dont have time for that.

THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!! You sound as though you have been there before. This is exactly what I am going through. It is tough, but I will get there.

[Wakeup]

THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!! You sound as though you have been there before. This is exactly what I am going through. It is tough, but I will get there.

did you see the part where prada said this, Lady?

so you need to tell him to focus on getting that situation str8 or your out of there because you dont have time for that.

[ladyluck87]

did you see the part where prada said this, Lady?

Yeah, I did. : ( That's why I said I will get there...the move I am leaning toward making is leaving. Outside of the HER, we don't have issues. He is an awesome person and awesome mate...but he seems VERY inequipped for handling this situation properly. That's why leaving the BEST boyfriend I have ever had is tough, but I think RIGHT NOW until he can get this and HER a little bit more under control, I think separation is for the better.