is it normal to feel a little depressed after getting engaged?

[DawkinsDaFihsh]

Me and my boyfriend of almost four years got engaged yesterday. There was no fancy proposal or ring as we're not really into all of that but he said it was the right time to show the world we are more than boyfriend and girlfriend as we've been together for years, lived together for years and been thru a lot together.


Neither of us want to get married or ever have children. We are rooting for straight couple civil partnership which is hopefully becoming legal soon along with same sex marriage where we stay. We agree we'd only get married when we were like 50+ if the partnerships don't get legalised.


He is my best friend and our relationship is almost perfect and I truly do want to be with him forever and it makes me so happy and relieved he feels the same but ever since going public about the engagement, I've felt kinda down and I've been wondering if its normal to feel a whole range after going public. My boyfriend says we've been personally engaged for ages as we've always planned to get a partnership as soon as they come out for straight couples so he doesn't feel any different though he is happy the world knows. He also said its up to me if I wanna wear a ring and if I do, he'll get me quirky one rather than a boring diamond one because he knows I'm not into jewelery much.


I don't doubt our relationship or doubt if I can commit to him all my life, I just don't know why I'm feeling a bit down, maybe its just hormones lol.


Have any of you ever felt something similar? How long did it last?

[basilandthyme]

Odds on, there's something missing. But what exactly is it?

I've been engaged and married (then divorced) and this time around I'm 20yr defacto - so I do understand you not believing in marriage.

Off the top of my head, could you be feeling sad because there's an engagement and no wedding in sight? I know you don't want marriage, but could there be a sneaky little part of you which does want marriage and is a bit sad?

I did go through a kind of unease too - it was about my name. In the first 6-7 years together with my partner, I still had the surname of my ex-husband. But partner and I had had two kids which had his name. So, three of them shared the same name and I had the name of my ex. We considered getting married for about 2 days and that fell in a heap - and then I realised that I was only getting married so I could change my name to my partner's name. In the end, I simply had my name legally changed to my partners and have been perfectly content ever since.

Have dig around in your mind. Let yourself question attitudes which you hold. You'll probably find something which needs to be tweaked. And it's OK to say "I thought I'd be OK with x, but it turns out that I'm not comfortable with it after all". Sometimes we can hold ideas of how we would feel about certain things, but when that actual thing happens, we don't feel as we expected.

[HeartIsAching]

Doing it because it's "the next logical step" is the wrong reason - and that is what it sounds like you're doing.

I submit that you're feeling down because you know you're settling. Getting married should be a joyful thing. If it's not, it's not right - and that's what your gut is telling you.

[DawkinsDaFihsh]

I really don't want marriage but I really would love a civil partnership and I'm hoping they do become available in Scotland soon for opposite sex couples as I'd probably arrange one as soon as they are legalised. Even if they are legalised, it wont be for another year or two roughly so that would still give me plenty of time to work out if that is the right commitment for me and my partner and also arrange things for it.

I think I'm just feeling overwhelmed atm because so many people are asking questions and having all these expectations of me like "oh you're engaged now, that must mean you plan to have children soon!" or "it must be a marriage they are waiting on, not a civil partnership". I've lost count how many times I've had to justify myself but I can't blame people for asking, its natural to think.

Thanks for your replies. I'm feeling a bit better now

[kat82]

Congratulations on your engagement

It's kind of sucky when people try to judge & say 'you should be married by this time' & of course you should have children....just do what the both of you want and don't let others influence it, ok?

No one can tell you if how you feel is 'normal' but it could just be that you are taking a new, big step in your relationship & perhaps you're just a little scared? I remember a few years ago, when my sister got engaged....she had been with her boyfriend for over 5 years, they picked out the ring together & she knew that he was going to ask soon....she came to my house one day before work & was acting depressed & anxious. She said she felt sick & it was because of the engagement. A few days later she called me & said she was fine. So....I don't know why she did, but she felt it for a day or two as well.

My fiance & I decided in December that we want to be married this fall. He doesn't make a lot of money & I told him I was fine going about it without a diamond. I felt a little sick later myself...even though we have been together 8 years and I know we are great for eachother...it's still a huge deal! The only problem is, he says he is still getting me a ring....and he won't let me tell anyone until he gets me that ring. So it's kind of killing me because I want my family to know. So I think that is what is causing my mild depression right now.

Hang in there. If it passes great, if not...then maybe you need to think about whether or not you really want this

[DawkinsDaFihsh]

Thanks

I feel a little better about it today. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has felt like this!

I'm such a negative person most of the time and can find a fault in anything. If I won the lottery tomorrow, I could find you a 100 reasons why that would be a bad thing! Haha. I'm hoping to change that part of my attitude as it does affect a lot of things in my life and I think my reaction to the engagement is primarily caused by this. I've spoke to my partner about how I feel and he puts it down to my negativity too. He says we aren't any different, just that now people now we are planning to get a civil partnership as soon as they come out for straight couples.

I worry and over think too much!

[Nicki XoXo]

No, its not normal. Your supposed to be in pure bliss right now unless of course your not ready.