My GF wants to have sex with women outside our relationship

[Levelheaded]

This may have been brought up before multiple times but every situation is different so I'm looking for specific advice to mine.

I'm in a great relationship (isn't that how these always start? ha) and have been for almost 4 years. We were friends for five years before our relationship started so we definitely have a deep understanding of each other and especially close bond as friends and lovers. We talk very openly about sexual topics, who we think are attractive and check out naked girls on the Internet together all the time. This is where my story deviates from most.

My girl was 100% Lesbian before we began dating. She had straight experiences as a teen but other then that she had only dated women before me. Obviously I knew this and it allowed us to form a bond with commen interests on all topics including girls. Let me back up a second. Actually when we first met, online no less (she worked with a shared friend who vouched I was cool) she agreed to come hang out. For whatever reason there was chemistry between us right away and things got flirty and massages started but after 10 minutes of going down the rabbit hole I could tell she was getting a bit confused and we stopped. Our 5 year friendship started from that point on.

We would ebb and flow on how much we would talk (usually online because we lived 30 miles apart) which corresponded to us dating other people. You could say the residue from that one night together lasted, even cumilating in aol chat sex a couple times. After a particularly crappy relationship of mine ended we started hanging out in person more and despite her sexual orientation pointing in the opposite direction we began hooking up. I know every guy likes to think of themselves as Columbus, conquering every girl they have been with, but the reality was our key and lock fit perfectly even in the bedroom where we excelled. Even though she identified as gay our relationship transcended. I know there are a bunch of A-holes out there that love to point out that she is not gay but bi and yes right now this is true technically (she hates being called bi) the fact remains she has no interest in any guys other then me for the foreseeable future.

So I guess it's time to get to the crux. We had talked about bringing other girls around a few times, nothing beyond who we think would be good. This was always for her, I would mainly just watch but not get too heavily involved. We never planned anything and nothing had come of it. Then recently the subject of her sleeping with other women one on one has been broached. At first I acquiescended mildly as the subject had come up maybe 3 times before over the course of 4 years and I had an open mind. Of course in the beginning when things were new and I was bursting with vitriol and confidence I said of course I wouldn't mind, even though fear of her leaving me for a women kept me from commiting to her right from the beginning when she told me she had feelings from me. Lately she has been more open about her wanting to sleep with a woman but she's picky so again nothing came of it. Then all of a sudden pops up this cute boyish bi girl and they start talking. It turns out they both think the other is hot and the girl is down with my girlfriend being in a serious relationship and has no intention on anything other then sex. Their texting friendship grows as does the amount of times we talk about the situation. My confidence from four years ago is now filled with questions and uncertainty. The questions that come up are, "why do you want this to be a one on one, why can't I be there too in the background? If not with this girl then a girl that is ok with that" and "How many sexual encounters with the same person is too many or enough?" She can't seem to give me a straight answer to either of these and she keeps falling back on that she doesn't even know if she will vibe with this girl so why get ahead of ourselves. To which I say, "If we don't talk about this now then when will we? After the first time? Second? Tenth?" She says if it turns out that this girl is down for having sex with me involved then she's all for it but she wants to test the waters first and not make things too awkward. I think she's found a girl she digs and doesn't want to squander her opprotunity.

Needless to say I've thought about it more and more and we have talked about it more and more to the point she got frustrated with me and basically said she was over it now because she couldn't go into it with an open mind and that she would only be thinking about me being upset. Needless to say neither of us were happy with that outcome. We agreed to go to counseling and illicit a third parties advice because we tend to debate each other when we have opposing views on something.

I would really appreciate anyone who has been in my shoes or is a bisexual girl that has run into the same issues. I'm not against the advice of straight people but I don't need to hear a bunch of judgemental bs that I've read in other forums. I just have too much experience in love and sex to expect two people to have meaningless robotic sex on a regular basis. Eventually connections are formed and even though my GF can compartmentalise with the best of them. She is not immune to being human. She thinks she can have sex randomly and it won't affect us at our core but I feel completely different and am convinced this will be the end of us if it plays out regularly. I want my GF to be fulfilled and I want to have an open mind because I know I can't do everything a girl can in bed at the same time I don't want to be ruined by this.

Sorry for the novel but help is appreciated. I'd be glad to expand on something if you have questions.


Thanks

[michelle23]

How do you actually feel about this? Does it make you jealous? Insecure? Anxious? Frustrated?

You need to clarify what you are feeling because if you have any negative feelings right now-you can multiple them by 100 once the deed is actually done.

I agree that if she meets the same girl regularly-feelings will develop-it is inevitable and it will affect your relationship in the long run.

If she wants to do this it should be with a different girl each time that she is not going to see again. That is the only way to keep emotions out of it.

And what about you? Are you happy to let her sleep with others when you are not allowed to? Does that bother you? Do you think the same rules should apply to both of you?

And another thing is she needs to be safe. She should demand an sti/std test from any girl shes gonna sleep with coz shes not just putting her health at risk-its also your health.

You sound very confused. Are you sure your not just going along with this because you are afraid you'll lose her if you don't? Would you prefer to be monogamous or do you mind? Your own views, morals, beliefs, values are important.

You don't know how your going to feel until it happens and I think counselling is a good idea.

[smackie9]

You thought you were open minded, but now your insecurity is making you see differently. All this talk of bringing another women is deflating your confidence level. You had confidence because you thought you would be enough for her in this relationship (silly you for thinking that). I'm sure it was at the back of your mind since the beginning that she would want to be with women again....now the day has come and it's scaring the crap out of you because you know this could be the start of the end of your relationship. I know you are very emotionally attached and defensive about this, but it is inevitable. IMO you both are in denial that this can work. You will never feel good about this, and she will always have a desire for women. All the counseling in the world isn't going to fix this. The only thing it's going to do is make you face reality, and a decision is going to have to be made.

[Wakeup]

I think we have one male member here that is in a relationship with a girl that likes to be with other women. I'm wondering if you're finding that you're getting a lot of judgemental bs that you wouldn't go to a forum board that is more geared to non-monogamous unions? You'll get responses from people who are living in what you currently are and will be more insightful to your situation.

My inexperienced advice is: Every relationship (no matter what the dynamic) has to have mutually agreed to boundaries in place for it to be successful. So I think you have to talk to your gf about what is and IS NOT acceptable to you and see if she agrees with those boundaries or not and then you have to negotiate and compromise so that you both can live with the final "boundary" that will forever be in place unless and until you re-negotiate to a successful close at a later date.

If you can't compromise or work out a mutually agreeable rule(s) then you're fundamentally incompatible and, as Smackie said your ego got the better of you in the beginning of your coming together as a pair.

Just curious: Have you ever broached the subject of you having a woman on your own without her present? I wonder if she would be okay with that? Afterall it's both of you that are into women. Why would her meeting up with this other woman alone be any different then you meeting up with another woman alone?

[HeartIsAching]

My girl was 100% Lesbian before we began dating. She had straight experiences as a teen but other then that she had only dated women before me. Obviously I knew this and it allowed us to form a bond with commen interests on all topics including girls. Let me back up a second. Actually when we first met, online no less (she worked with a shared friend who vouched I was cool) she agreed to come hang out. For whatever reason there was chemistry between us right away and things got flirty and massages started but after 10 minutes of going down the rabbit hole I could tell she was getting a bit confused and we stopped. Our 5 year friendship started from that point on.

No she wasn't - sexuality is a spectrum. She may have been exclusively dating women at that point though.

What you find confusing? She was gay.

Why not ask if you can find someone bi to play with?

[smackie9]

Just curious: Have you ever broached the subject of you having a woman on your own without her present? I wonder if she would be okay with that? Afterall it's both of you that are into women. Why would her meeting up with this other woman alone be any different then you meeting up with another woman alone?

I was thinking of this too. Why not make it fair to have an open relationship.