My boyfriend and his relationship with his ex-girlfriend

[burnt.flowers]

Hello all,

I'm trying to determine whether I am simply paranoid, or something is amiss:

About a year ago I met a guy, we'll call him John, through mutual friends, and we hit it off. We started hanging out a lot and talking, feeling each other out because we both knew we were interested in the other. I mentioned I have a hang up, and that it's with ex's. Personally, I do not keep in contact with my ex's, and I am uncomfortable dating men who still keep contact with their ex-girlfriends. I've had bad experience with ex boyfriends; they'd come out of the woodwork and try to re-kindle romance. Also, in a previous relationship the boyfriend was still close friends with his ex, and she feigned interest in me, but started talking badly about the guy I was dating, rattling off a laundry list of bad behavior. At first I naively thought she was trying to help me out...of course she was just trying to get me out of the picture.

Anyhoo, I tell John about this, and he admits that his best friend is his ex-girlfriend, we'll call her Sarah. Some back story on them--John and Sarah dated for 3 years, lived together, worked together. She was his first love (his words) and only girlfriend he's had. Lots in common. But he hated her family, and didn't devote enough time to her, so she eventually left him. He admitted he started drinking a lot and acting out after she left him. However, they worked together so had to remain civil and eventually became best friends. John even moved into an apartment with her and her new boyfriend. Eventually Sarah's new bf gets a job out of town, she moves across the country with new bf, John stays behind. They've known each other 6 years by this time. Dated 3, best friends for 3.

John assures me it's totally platonic. She's been across the country for a year by the time I meet him. I figure, hey, I like this guy and the ex is very far away, this might work. So we start dating. And he begins casually mentioning her in conversation (I make it a point not to ask about ex's, because I find it's easier not to know stuff) at one point he says he still loves her (as a friend, he assures me). He mentioned her sorta frequently. They're friends on facebook and she comments on pretty much everything he posts. She's never tried reaching out to me though (which I appreciate). In John's house, he has many gifts she'd given him and he strangely pointed them out to me. There was even a pair of her shoes on the fireplace...it was kind of weird. They'd text and call each other. And once when he was showing me pictures of his dog on his phone, I saw that he still had pictures of her in it. He also flew across country to go visit her about 6 months after she left (before he met me). Now, this is all pretty damning evidence. I must admit, this weirdness aside, he's been the most kind and considerate boyfriend I've ever had. He's helped me out in emergencies, he's always giving me gifts (I don't ask for them!), wants to take me out all the time, is very devoted, and hasn't hidden our relationship in any way.

After we'd been dating about 6 months, he informs me that he was invited to go visit Sarah across country. My initial reaction is not a good one. I finally can't hold it 'in' anymore and I tell him how weird I think their relationship is. He says he didn't realize I was feeling that way, and says he won't go. He also stops talking about her, and he hides all the stuff in his house that was hers. So after a week or two, I start feeling guilty, thinking I over-reacted and I tell him their relationship still makes me uncomfortable, but I can't tell him what to do and he can go if he wants. Now, I really DIDN'T want him to go, I was just trying to force myself to not be the jealous wacko. 3 HOURS LATER he texts me and says he got tickets to see her "really cheap" on Southwest. On the inside I was pretty shocked at how quickly he jumped at the opportunity, and sorta hurt that he was gonna go, despite knowing how I felt about it. But, I said what I said. He goes, comes back...and the whole time he's gone I'm just pissed off. So when I pick him up from the airport, I TRY to be interested in what he has to say, but I'm not. He mentioned a lot about the city, not much about her. Only mentions that her sister, who has cancer, got pregnant and doesn't know if she should keep the baby. Fast forward a week and I can't control my temper anymore, so I pick a fight about it and tell him the truth--which is I can't control what he does, but I can't get over my ill ease so have to break up with him. He says he doesn't want me to, but understands. About a day later he sends me a message saying he understood why I felt weird and he decided staying friends with her was going to be toxic to future relationships, and that he erased her and her family from his facebook and he's not going to talk to her anymore. Tells me he'd like to try it again with me and I agree, because I like the guy without the weird ex baggage.

Fast forward a month, we're at dinner for his birthday. The tables are all really close together, and a couple gets seated next to us. The woman starts talking to us. I think she's just a very friendly lady until she introduces herself as Sarah's sister. John gets visibly uncomfortable. Sarah's sister starts talking about Sarah, and all the things she's doing, and how happy Sarah was to be back in town visiting. The sister also mentions how Sarah and John had had lunch together that VERY DAY. I struggle to hide my anger and once we leave he's like, "She kept texting me saying she was in town, I didn't answer but she showed up to my work anyway." He starts crying! I'm like, are you serious? I can't handle guys crying. Plus it's his birthday. So the tables turn on me and I feel like a b****. I decide to believe him. He says it was a one time thing.

Now we arrive at yesterday. I have suspicions that they still talk a lot, but refuse to look through his phone or emails. We're at lunch, and the topic of cancer comes up. I decide to be sneaky--so I'm like, Did Sarah's sister ever decide if she was going to keep the baby despite having cancer?--And he says, "Yeah, she's gonna try to have it." And as soon as he says it I see his face change, like he knew he outed himself as still talking to Sarah. Which he did. I didn't say anything, played it off like I didn't realize what it meant. But I do. So my predicament is, he's STILL talking to this girl, despite saying he was going to stop. Am I just being a jealous weirdo, or is his behavior and lying an indicator of, perhaps not physical cheating, but emotional? My fear is he's still hung up on this girl after all this time.

Thanks in advance for your advice.

[j-white]

It sounds as though this whole situation, whether innocent or not, will eventually turn you into the paranoid and bitter ***** that you dont want to become. Sounds as though he will never let her go even if he wants to.
Sounds like he cant let her go. Was the split mutual?

A bit like me and my ex :/ ....is that you love? (sorry, **** joke)

[michelle23]

she dumped him, he clung on as friends coz he didnt want to let her go and he is still emotionally attached to her. As long as she is in his life-he will never get closure and you will always be second best.

I would break up with him if I were you. Dont break your own rules for him. You said "you dont want to be with someone who is friends with exes"

[burnt.flowers]

Yes, she left him. And yes, I get the feeling he always stayed around because maybe he hoped she'd return? Or he was just oddly attached.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Dump him, or quit bitching. The guy obviously has feelings and is acting out of line whether or not he admits it. Dump him, and don't bother feeling guilty. Feeling guilty is what got you compromise your feelings and landed you in the position to begin with. Dump him and let him cry. Don't give him the option to stop talking to her, you tried that already.

[FlaCooln]

Your dude has way to much emotional baggage and crying over that? Sounds like a bit of a pussy. Sorry, I am as in touch with my feelings (more than most guys) and have no problem expressing them to women. But, crying like that....another bad sign. A man can be sensitive and caring without being a crying little baby.

He is not completely emotionally available. To have such a relationship with an exGF and go visit her, not good...not good at all. I would dump him, as he is making you crazy and into a person who you don't want to be. IMHO if a relationship makes you feel bad more than good, you got to end it.

Lastly, you have done nothing wrong so don't feel bad. He is the one that lied to you and is basically emotionally cheating on you.