Dumpers what makes you want to go back?

[LoveNHate]

Dumpee here and dumper dumped me because I wasn't affectionate enough, didn't show her she was special. 7 year relationship and I've lost a grip on balancing the relationship with school, I'm behind on school too so there's a lot of pressure. It's been about 2 months and I've worked on myself, figuring out what exactly caused this in me.. I've fixed it and I feel like I have much more time for other things, school work is going by smoother than ever. We live together and lately we've been talking normally and hanging out having a great time.

We had a serious talk the other day about everything, I asked her where she stood and she told me she's not sure and just taking it one day at a time. Told me that she's afraid if we go back that i'll go back into the same routine again but I'm willing to put in all the effort and it won't happen again for sure, sometimes it takes a major change like this to make me realize things and this was it. She also said she has seen the changes and I told her what I noticed and got rid of in my life that was the reason for how I was, she agreed that what I talked about was correct. She wants her feelings to come naturally and not jump back in a relationship to force things, I completely respect that and will be here when she's ready but my question is if you were in this situation what is the main issue that needs to be worked on? Her trust for me that I will change and make things better? Once that trust comes back the feelings should come naturally? Or is it something else I'm not seeing?

When we hang out we do EVERYTHING just like how we use to.. the only thing that's restricted are kisses because she told me she rather stay away from that since it'll give her mixed emotions. I'm giving her space.. we use to text a good bit, just small talk but after that talk she also said maybe a bit of space will help her decide what she wants and allow us to really see what we want in each other. The only thing is not texting but I still see her every weekday, only at night though before sleeping as I have a very busy schedule.

[smackie9]

You living together?

[smackie9]

IMO you both dated very young, and now have changed as people, not the relationship has changed. I feel this is what is happening with her, she is confused, because her feelings of once was is gone,and hasn't evolved into a more deeper long lasting love. You both have out grown this relationship, busy with life, possibly your perspectives on life, goals and personalities have changed as well. People do grow apart, this is why after 25 years of marriage people get divorced.

You can play along and let her try in her own way to figure this out, but to me this isn't promising. It is real difficult to regain those feelings again.

[LoveNHate]

Although there were changes we both do feel we have very similar goals and perspectives on life. We agree on a lot of stuff but the issue that got in our way was the lack of affection on my part which I didn't realize until it was too late. Do you think those feelings could be because she's afraid to trust again to get hurt? Yes we are living together, not for long though.. another month or so. I understand it's difficult but I just wanna be sure if it's still there or not because I want to be sure of this whole thing before doing anything.

[smackie9]

I call bs on the affection. It goes a lot deeper than that. People just grow apart emotionally as well.

[Ann S]

Hi LoveNHate:


"if you were in this situation what is the main issue that needs to be worked on?" Well, since YOU are the only one YOU can work on, the answer is, YOU! And I suggest that you withdraw from this relationship. Maybe you weren't affectionate enough, but when people in a couple work on change, one doesn't leave....they work together. She is distancing herself from you and I hope you distance yourself.


"Her trust for me that I will change and make things better?" I thought you said that you already changed!

"Once that trust comes back the feelings should come naturally?" No, that is not true.

"Or is it something else I'm not seeing?" You are not seeing that your girlfriend is really OUT of the relationship and is keeping you hanging, and YOU are keeping yourself hanging. She doesn't want to kiss you! That should say it all!

I hope you work on whatever it was that you viewed as your shortcomings and find some one who doesn't abandon you when times aren't perfect. Ann