Here are the answers most posters have been looking for:
1. Dump him/her - it's just not going to work.
2. Lets be friends = bullshit.
3. LDRs - won't work.
4. No sex before marriage - are you serious?
5. Will he change for the better = not likely.
6. Will she stop nagging and trying to change you = not likely.
7. Will our sex life always be rubbish = yep.
I think that just about covers it.