Ashamed, but I have to do something

[Mekhet]

Hey everyone.

I'm ashamed to say this, but back in 2011 I cheated on my gf... We were on a long distance relationship for two years, and I guess I drifted apart. I've been feeling horrible ever since, and she found out later that year. We've been struggling tremendously to make things work out again (we actually lived together for a few months), but it's been emotionally exhausting, and eventually this year we broke up.

To this day she insists I did nothing to win her back, and I feel at a loss because I really don't know what to do... She's precious to me (the simple fact she would be willing to take me back says everything) but lately even our friendship is at risk as she still says I haven't done anything to make things right... We got to a point where we don't know if we should be together as a couple (a lot of conflict, a lot of emotional weight), but we're still best friends, and my sanity depends on her being a part of my life, and I know she feels the same.

So, we got to the point where we're trying at least to save our friendship, but there's still the weight of what I did and her lack of trust in me, and I really don't know what else to do to to save us... Help...?

Thanks

PS: I know what I did is horribly wrong, and I've been feeling guilty for it ever since, and I always will, and it will never leave me, so please, please, just help me on what I can do to make things better instead of nailing me to a cross... I do that to myself everyday, so don't worry...

[bearz]

So, what have you done for her since you cheated on her?

[Wakeup]

please, just help me on what I can do to make things better instead of nailing me to a cross... I do that to myself everyday, so don't worry...

You may nail yourself to a cross for what you did but she hands you the nails.

Your codependency on one another over-rides your actual need to be in one another's life in harmony. She really doesn't want to forgive you but rather just keep you engaged in some way so she can continue to punish you for what you did to her.

You have a choice. You tell her that she stops trying to make you prove yourself and forgives you or, she doesn't forgive you and you part and go on your separate ways. She should NOT be allowed to keep you around and berate you as well. and You should not allow her to do so. Only lap-dogs stick around for that kind of treatment without much bother.

You already know what you did was stupid (and its what codependent and afraid to be alone people do instead of moving on to something and someone who is more suitable to them) Your call how you live out the rest of your life. You're the boss of you and it's about time you started to take on the responsibility and quit leaving it up to her.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Tell her you've apologized and you can't make things right unless she forgives you and stops bringing it up. The girl is being a cunt. If she can't get over it, she needs to leave you alone. You should not try to win her back at this point. She is just using your guilt to get back at you. You should threaten to go sleep with another girl again..I bet she won't leave you.

Seriously though, there's a reason you cheated on this girl. She's not the one for you. Best to move on, as she clearly can't get over it.

[Mekhet]

So, what have you done for her since you cheated on her?

I cut off every social tie I had to make her feel safe, I gave her every password for my every internet account, including facebook and e-mail, deleted contacts from facebook that weren't close to me to make her trust me (deleted half my contacts) so no girl could interact with me (a like would be enough for a trust crisis), for some time I told her everything I did and with whom I talked and what we talked about, stayed away from interacting with girls in general.

Your codependency on one another over-rides your actual need to be in one another's life in harmony. She really doesn't want to forgive you but rather just keep you engaged in some way so she can continue to punish you for what you did to her.

This has crossed my mind, but since I still feel attached to her it gets difficult to stay away... Last night I confronted her with a few things and she ended up saying she didn't want to talk to me ever, but I spent the day in... Withdrawal so to speak. It's harder to stay away because we've been depending on each other for the best part of 7 years. And the definition of codependency is not new to me, although deep down inside I feel I should be alone right now. Doesn't make it any easier though...

To be honest, I was expecting a very different reaction (hence the PS) but thanks for the help guys, I really appreciate it.

[bcgirl]

What is the point of remaining friends without romance? I mean, c'mon do you really wanna hear all about her future boyfriends and vice versa? You cheated on her, she will hold that against you and rub it in your face every chance she gets. If you hook back up with her romantically, you will forever have to listen to her punish you for your wrong doings. If you remain friends, you both will get jealous when one of you finds someone else

[Wakeup]

I cut off every social tie I had to make her feel safe,

Are you serious? Please! Just take the plunge and end the whole contact of any kind and the wish to keep one another in your lives.

What you did was emotional abusive to YOURSELF and if she had any kind of actual want to be forgiving then she would never have allowed you to cut yourself off socially from all of your friends.

Learn the lesson, forgive YOURSELF and let her go after you tell her not to become permanently jaded to every guy over something that happened with you.

Long distant relationships rarely work out and end up in the same way yours did. One can expect monogamy but to expect your partner to be celebate is another story. Move on, son you can't "depend" on her anymore. No sir!

[searock]

You two broke up, so why are you still in contact with each other? You can't be "best friends" with your ex, unless you both have absolutely no romantic feeling for each other. You clearly still have romantic feelings for her so you should go no contact. Accept that it's over. If you have trouble getting rid of this codependent, unhealthy "relationship", perhaps you should seek professional help.

[michelle23]

I disagree with some of the others. I think they are being too harsh on her. She has tried to forgive you and the simple fact is she cant. You hurt her badly and that hurt will never go away as long as your in her life. She clings on because she is probably in the bargaining stage of grief stuck in limbo coz she really doesnt no whether to stay or to go. Ses clinging to what was and not what is. But one day she will be ready to accept fully what you did and will walk outa your life. The damage has been done and you can never take it back.

Once the trust is gone-its gone and thats it. Even if she tries with all her heart to let go and forgive-she wont be able to. Every time she hears about someone else cheating or sees something on tv, reads something in the paper-it will haunt her. Its more hurtful for her to stay than to go and your relationship will always be destructive from now on. Ya sure ye may have some good times but that distance will always be there.

Just let her go so she can meet a man who wont hurt her, so she can be happy 99% of the time instead of like 20% with you.

You ended your relationship the day you cheated and you have to pay the price for that no matter how guilty you feel. The price is letting her go so she can be with someone who loves her enough not to hurt her. And uearn a valuable lesson so hopefully youll never do this again to someone else.

[Wakeup]

She has tried to forgive you and the simple fact is she cant.

Understandable but then she should just let him go and quit making him suffer continuously. She's just as codependent on him as he is on her and she's free to say, I've tried but I just can't get over this. She'd rather keep him around to berate whenever she gets the chance. That's on her, not him. His infidelity is on him and i'ts 'cross to bear' until he forgives himself (and learns the lesson for future commitments) because she's sure not going to anytime soon.

[michelle23]

Wakeup they chose to be long distance . That was their choice so u cant say "oh well that justifies it" coz it doesnt. He shud have ended his ldr before getting with someone else but he didnt. That was also his choice.

[Wakeup]

I didn't say or even imply that anything justifies what went down. I suggest you re-read what I posted so you understand what I said. I don't feel like arguing about something that I didn't even say.

She should have ended it when he cheated too but you're failing to comprehend their codependency on one another. She enjoys tormenting him about it but she still wants to keep him. He hates being tormented but doesn't want to end it. So I'm trying to explain to him what she's doing so he is more apt to end it. She's given him hope that it doesn't have to by failing to end it herself.

[bcgirl]

They are both messed up. Period. For both of them to want so badly to be friends with each other because they most likely don't have any other friends is just messed up. Yes the op had hurt her by cheating but she needs to let go and quit looking for grand gestures from the op to give her a reason to take him back. She is looking for reassurance that the op is so distraught and sorry for his actions and she is looking for reassurance that the op will never ever do it again and she is looking for reassurance that perhaps the cheating wasn't the op's fault like perhaps he was blackmailed into cheating. She is so desperate to find these reassurances that the op hasnt given to her that she is constantly making him feel guilty that "he hasn't done anything to win her back". The reality is that even if the op climbed Mount Everest and carved a love poem onto the peak about her, she will still most likely find other reasons to punish him because bottom line is the trust is broken. Best thing for the op to do is to cut off all ties with her. This will help her get back on her own two feet quicker and allow the healing process to begin

[michelle23]

Look up the five stages of grief after infidelity. She is not punishing him on purpose. Shes hurting. I feel more sorry for her. Actually i have no sympathy for him.

And yes it does need to end with no contact. Its a waste of time trying to make it work. Theyl never be happy together again

[michelle23]

They are both messed up. Period. For both of them to want so badly to be friends with each other because they most likely don't have any other friends is just messed up. Yes the op had hurt her by cheating but she needs to let go and quit looking for grand gestures from the op to give her a reason to take him back. She is looking for reassurance that the op is so distraught and sorry for his actions and she is looking for reassurance that the op will never ever do it again and she is looking for reassurance that perhaps the cheating wasn't the op's fault like perhaps he was blackmailed into cheating. She is so desperate to find these reassurances that the op hasnt given to her that she is constantly making him feel guilty that "he hasn't done anything to win her back". The reality is that even if the op climbed Mount Everest and carved a love poem onto the peak about her, she will still most likely find other reasons to punish him because bottom line is the trust is broken. Best thing for the op to do is to cut off all ties with her. This will help her get back on her own two feet quicker and allow the healing process to begin

Thats the bargaining stage. Next stage is depression. Then acceptance. The quicker they break up-the quicker the pain will end. Stay together-it will never go away