philosophy of love

[Ahmed Atef]

10 years ago I had my first relationship, my first love, I was just 16 years old. In the beginning I was very realistic and whenever a topic about our future was discussed I presumed the possibility that we may not be together at that time -because every thing is possible- but my girlfriend didn't accept that attitude and told me that we will always be together forever no matter what. She was a dreamer and taught me to be like her and to love deeply. But it seems that she had a different conception for "forever" because after a year she broke up with me and I had a broken heart and strong depression. I regretted abandoning being realistic and following her fantasies. I decided not to get in any serious relationship again not to suffer a broken heart and depression and kept all my relations not exclusive or open relationships until a year ago when I met a woman who loved me so much and was a unique person who pushed me to become a dreamer again, also I was really missing that feeling of deep love that I felt 10 years ago so I believed her when she said that we will be together forever. But it seems that either I have a wrong understanding of "forever" or I have an expiry date of a year because almost after a year she broke up with me. This time I'm not suffering depression or broken heart but I'm angry with myself because I believed that nonsense of being forever again.

Now I address realistic people, I have a question for you. of course nothing is guaranteed in the future and a promise to love forever is just a hope not a promise because people break up all the time then meet other people, even in marriage and after long years when the husband or the wife dies the other partner may marry again and the late partner will be totally forgotten and will not even be remembered. Now I lost faith in love relationships, they are meaningless. How can I love someone and make her the most important person in my life and feel those sweet feelings again with her while I know that maybe it is just a matter of time before a problem happens and then BOOM! a breakup ?!!!

[overanxious]

ya man i know the feeling....i fell in love with a "dreamer" too....was with her for 2.5 years.....

"i cant wait till we can wake up to each other everyday"...."i love you forever to the milky way and back".....all this kind of stuff...nicknames........basically a beautiful and charming little girl in a womans body....i dont think she ever grew up emotionally passed the age of 7 or 8.... there was no effort to have a responsible adult relationship...just wanted to be stuck in the honeymoon phase.....and ya it sucks when you make them the most important person in your life and make sacrifices...but can never quite get the same in return

before her i used to listen to love songs and stuff...and i thought they were the most powerful kinds of songs...and beautiful...even the painful sounding ones....cause i never understood the pain part....but they made me curious....now I hear them and i cringe and i tear up sometimes...now I know what they mean

[meloveulongtime]

Never give up on love. It exists and is a wonderful feeling. Despite all the heart aches, open yourself again to feel love and be loved.

[meloveulongtime]

16 is a young age to understand unconditional love that it's healthy but dont give up. It's out there.

[overanxious]

ya no one should have realistic expectations at 16....it rarely if ever lasts anymore at that age.....but ya dont give up...im not ready to give up either at the same time i have difficulty moving forward myself

its sad when happily ever after turns to nothing....her family members always pushed us to get together...but i thought the age difference(6 years) was a bit much at certain times...i figured she didnt know what she wanted....her aunt/uncle would always update me on her and tell me what she was up to...they wanted us to get together...and finally i figured she was at least old enough to know and i went for it...

i remember how perfect it all seemed....how we used to fall asleep holding hands....wed wake up and get coffee and bagels and take them to the beach...or picnics...or takeout at the beach....how when we did long distance for 6 months she would send me a card that said "since we cant be together everyday right now i thought id send you pictures of us to remind you"....pictures of us walking on the beach holding hands....i remember how i quit drinking when it became an issue and i thought it might ruin us....and then how she made a selfish decision that she needed to be close to her parents when we had it good here.....i said i was willing to follow her...even though i had a good job here(i took care of everything).....and I did that for her...and it still never seemed enough for her to grow up.....last night i went out with my step mom(shes my best friends mom and my exs aunt by marriage....my birth mother is deceased and she has taken over as my mom) for some drinks and food at a restuarant.....it was late and the place was getting close to closing...and then a couple came in and sat in the exact seats that me and my ex did the first time I took her there....and i was so envious....they even sat together on the same side next to each other after a little bit...just like we had........its still painful

[meloveulongtime]

people grow at different rates but eventually we all will get there. there's nothing we can do but let them be themselves, grow, and learn when they are ready. mean while, cherish the good memories and continue to move forward with life. be happy you were able to share a part of your life with them.

i can recall being in love once at the age of 18. everything was perfect. happiest shared years of my life. but as we grew up, things change, people change, and our views change. we grew apart and became different people. both him and i are still friends, hes married now with kids but sometimes i look back and wonder how things could have been. i still miss the young love but as adults, we have to be strong and find the serenity to keep living life.

til today, i seek that companionship. someone who can be my friend and lover. when i see two old happy couple together holding hands, it makes me happy and hope someday i will be like them too.

dont give up. its out there. we just have to cherish what we have and be patient. it'll come around again.

[Ahmed Atef]

Thanks all for support, but i'm not worried about meeting love again, I'm asking how could I love again while I'm certain that every thing is not guaranteed. I may meet a girl who attracts me but wouldn't it be stupidity to love deeply and make the same promises all over again while knowing that these no one can keep them!!! and if I keep my realism in the equation the relation remains shallow not passionate

and Meloveulongtime, you speak about cherishing good memories, actually good memories hurt. When I remember the places we went together and all what we have done it makes me want to weep not cry. when I remember that look of love and admiration from her eyes as if I were the best person in the earth and she can't believe she is dating me finally then I remember her look and her eyes when she said that every thing is over, all that makes me don't want to remember anything, really life has a sick sense of humor. I try to keep myself busy all day not to remember anything about her but GOD! when I go to sleep i see her in my dreams EVERYDAY even once my roommate told me that I was talking to her while sleeping how pathetic it is. (how can I take her out of my dreams?)

and Overanxious proves what I say, see how he describes his memory of her when he saw that couple as painful.

I think maybe movies manipulated our brains and gave us wrong expectations about love, maybe a love relationship should be calm not passionate and realistic not dreamy. Of course losing your brain and sailing in seas and flying is the sky of love is awesome but this makes the pain on broken heart unbearable.

[Split_interests]

That's some tough stuff, mate. So first of all, with this sadness because the relationship is over, that stuff just takes time, lots and lots of time, to get over. Admittedly even then only mostly over, but at some point you should be able to look back like meloveyoulongtime and think, yeah, that was a great time, and have it mostly be a good thing. I suppose this happens when you no longer feel that gap in your heart that is a lack of someone who loves you and you love them. I suppose that only gets completely filled by another love, or possibly by a complete fulfillment in your life without it, which may be possible, I'm not sure.

I totally relate on the whole romantic" love you forever vs. realistic: love you for as long as I do?

I tend to be more the realistic type, but in my last relationship my girlfriend was not and partially just to make things work I sided with her and committed to forever with my words at least. It felt good, and I can understand a need for commitment in a relationship, but I don't know if we ever can truthfully say, "We will be together for all our lives". It might turn out to be true, but on the other hand people change, and you can't predict how, so you can't predict whether the relationship will continue to be good for the both of you. In this case "we'll be together forever" seems to mean, "even if it's bad for both of us we'll stick together...because we said we would?"

In a way I think "I'll love you for always" is more of a hope, but then isn't it important to just be honest about that?

P.S. You aren't pathetic, as recorded by every great musician ever, everyone goes through heartbreak no matter how amazing they are, and it sucks, and there's that weird dissonance between how you remember things being and how they are, and reality seems unraveled, but it's really really normal, and makes you no less awesome.