Do I take it day by day??

[GreenEyes417]

This is going to be long because I want to try and type most information about my "relationship".

I dated a guy for 8 months. We immediately had feelings for each other from the very beginning. He was 35 and I was 27 at the time we first met. We started having some problems with our relationship which was basically he has his life together and I don't. He owns his own business, house, vehicles, etc. I just own my own vehicle. I had and still do have a great opportunity to buy the business I currently work for. I have been working there since April 2004 and pretty much do everything there is to do. He doesn't understand why I haven't purchased the business. I look at it as something big to jump into. Yes, I have been there for 9 yrs but that is a huge commitment for me to just jump into. So because I didn't jump into a "great opportunity" we stopped talking for about 3 weeks. When we started talking again I was at his house one night for dinner and decided to fold his laundry that he had in his dryer. Well I found a females t-shirt and asked him whose it was. He told me he thought it was mine and I told him no it wasn't. He then said that it could have belonged to his ex gf before me who had lived there for 2 years. I left it at that and continued folding his laundry. Later that night he had me fix something on his cell phone. I don't know how to put this with out it seeming like I was being nosy because I wasn't on his phone "looking" for evidence or what not of him talking to another girl. I trusted him with all my heart and never thought he was talking to another girl. Well I saw a message he had sent to this girl telling her sorry he hasn't talked to her that he has been really busy with work and he was on his way to Mexico and he would call her when he gets home. Just to let you know, we were talking again when he sent that message to her because I was staying at his house while he was going to Mexico for the weekend. When we laid down that night for bed I had asked him if he was seeing any other girls and he told me no that I was the only girl he was seeing. The next night while he was in the shower my mind told me to check his phone. I did with out any hesitation and saw that she had sent him a picture of her earlier that day saying she misses him and he replied back w a "". I immediately felt guilt. I shouldn't have snooped in his phone. When he came out I told him what I did and that I was sorry I shouldn't have. He didn't care to listen to me and told me that I needed to go home and I did.
Here we are 10 months later. He contacted me early March telling me that he missed me and he was equally to blame for me looking in his phone. He told me that he hooked up with that girl one night only during the 3 weeks we weren't talking and that was her t-shirt I found in his laundry. He didn't like her and she kept trying to hang out w him again. He told me that he doesn't want to hurt me. He has commitment issues. He was married for 10 years and doesn't know if that's what his commitment issues are from. That he kept thinking about me the whole 10 months we didn't talk but needed to make sure that it was me he was missing and not just that he was lonely. He wants to be with me but says we need to take it day by day and not rush into anything. If its meant to be then it will happen. We have been spending time with each other for 3 weeks now and we basically fell back to how we use to be. He doesn't want to be bf/gf. He says we are just really good friends who are taking things day by day and seeing what happens. I agree with taking things slow and not rushing. It's very hard for me to accept the "really good friend" label. As if we are "friends with benefits". I am sooo confused. I know he isn't using me for sex because we don't just have sex with each other and we don't always have sex when I stay the night with him. We act like a "couple". I love him and hate that I can't even just call him my bf. His response to that is "Labels are not important. Actions speak louder than words". I'm going to be 29 in less than 2 weeks and he will be 37 in July. We are not getting any younger. We both have a son from prior relationship and don't want any more kids when we settle so that's not what I'm concerned about. I just want to be happy with him and have a "label" with him other than a "really good friend". Am I just over thinking this and should take it day by day?

[Ann S]

"So because I didn't jump into a "great opportunity" we stopped talking for about 3 weeks" - You are with what I call a, "punisher." A guy who withdraws when things aren't going his way. You are also with a cheater. During the 3 weeks you didn't talk, he immediately shacked up with someone else! Boy, has he ever shown a lack of emotional connection or any grief over not having you in his life. WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM!

"I left it at that" So many of us women, "leave it at that!" Why? Then we eat ourselves up from the inside out, wondering what the truth is. We want to avoid conflict and we teach our partners that we will ignore obvious breaches of relationship commitments because we fear their anger or irritation.

"I had asked him if he was seeing any other girls and he told me no that I was the only girl he was seeing." Well, here we not have a, "punisher," and a "Cheater," but now we also have a, "liar."

"He has commitment issues. He was married for 10 years and doesn't know if that's what his commitment issues are from." Well, then, he should get some counseling about this before he gets into another relationship. He can't come to you as a whole person ready to be in a relationship because he hasn't figured out and healed his own issues. And, BTW, this is a fairly common BS line to get a woman to be a friend with benefits until he finds someone else and dumps you and moves on.

"He doesn't want to be bf/gf He says we are just really good friends who are taking things day by day and seeing what happens. I agree with taking things slow and not rushing. It's very hard for me to accept the "really good friend" label. As if we are "friends with benefits". You ARE friends with benefits - actually, I'd say your are NOT friends because friends don't lie to each other and don't use each other for their own gratification. YOU are the benefit and He is the taker and punisher.

"I am sooo confused." You aren't confused. You just don't want to face the truth. Why would you ever settle for less than you want? This dude just isn't worth all the emotional abuse.
I hope YOU get some counseling. Good Luck, Ann

[michelle23]

Move on with your life without him. He is not worth it!

I didnt bother reading the last part after he said day by day... That means he wants to string you along for sex.

His commitment issues will not go away-its a waste of time.

And hes already lied to you before and will do so again.

[basilandthyme]

You've been downgraded to Friends with Benefits. Move on and find someone who treats you better.