Need advice on getting out of the cycle of "the friend zone"

[juraiknight]

Hey guys, first off I'd like to thank whoever reads this, I greatly appreciate the time you're taking to read a problem that I'm sure has been addressed millions of times. So, my name is Eric and I've kinda fallen for a girl. For now, I'll call her Jane. (Cliche I know). So I've known Jane for quite some time, in fact I've worked with her for a little under two years. After getting to know her, my feelings became stronger and stronger until one day I decided to just let it out. Already known to me at the time, she had a boyfriend of about 2 years, but this didn't stop me. I told her of my feelings, and dropped the L word. Quite frankly, I wasn't afraid to use it because I knew it wasn't far from the truth. This girl completely plows through the walls I've created around myself and disarms me in every sense of the word, which leaves me a vulnerable and squishy mess. Worst of all, she needs only to be herself to do this.

Anyway, I tell Jane my feelings, and I get the expected response. Shock that I used the word, and defensive because she has a boyfriend. Yet, despite all that, she was curious. Extremely curious. This lead me to believe there was something more, something under the surface that maybe she had been dealing with for a while. Well, as time went on, she in fact grew more and more curious and continued to prod me for information. Things like "Do you think about me a lot?" would come up, and because of the disarming, I would comply (reluctantly sometimes) and tell her. This would sometimes lead to more than usual flirting, but other times this would lead to her admitting things to me, things like her attraction towards me, and feeling of regret because she wasn't able to know me more to figure out which would have been the better choice; me or the current boyfriend.

This behavior continued for months, and it grew every time. It came to the point where she and I would have conversations about personal things, like if either had thought of the other sexually, and when. Stuff that would make Jane a very single woman, very fast. Eventually, Jane admitted to me that she was thinking about breaking up with this boyfriend of hers. She added that she had been thinking about it for quite some time, and wasn't sure she was happy. The guy was good enough, but being on the verge of a proposal spooked her. She also admitted that her attraction to me, being more physical than romantic, had become so strong that she felt that if she swept this under the rug, she would end up cheating on this boyfriend.

Eventually Jane broke up with the boyfriend, and immediately came to my apartment the night after and spent most of it getting close, making out tons, and sleeping with me. This was a dream come true to me, but she expressed concern of my emotional state. She didn't want a relationship, and she didn't want to get my hopes up too early. Anyway, to cut a longer story shorter, the next day was not awkward and she even talked about it as if it were going to continue. But soon after that, she became distant, and withdrew. So eventually told me she wished I didn't have feelings for her, because all of hers belonged to the ex, and realized it was a mistake to break up with him and expressed worry of him not taking her back. So now, I'm stuck in the friend zone yet again. She's dead set on the idea that she and I would never work, despite the near perfect chemistry we share, a chemistry she herself realizes, and has told me that she and her ex have become reunited in a not 100% official relationship. Of course I had to ask what changed the situation from passionate make out session to nothing at all? She admitted that I showed aspects she didn't want in a boyfriend; A sense of desperation in the way I react to things, the dislike that I use cheesy lines, the fact that I do things that are deemed awkward to her, and the fact that I am just a tad shorter than her.

So here's my question; I obviously care about this girl a lot, and despite her apparent inability to do so, I accept her for all of her good traits and her faults and would want nothing more than for something to happen between she and I. Is there a way to get out of the dreaded friend zone and still manage to save the chance of getting this girl for my own? Or is this already a lost cause, doomed to the same fate I have already found myself in? PS: Sorry for the book long post.

[pcmaster]

Here is quide how to get out of FZ
http://www.loveforum.net/threads/66900-The-quot-Friendzone-quot-How-to-identify-it-and-avoid-it

Have no idea how it can help you so my advice is be as sexually agressive an pushy as you can. Take the risks cause you have nothing to lose. But yes you can fck up relationship of hers.

[juraiknight]

Well, the thing is, she admitted that, before she broke it off the first time with her boyfriend, she was starting to see a pattern. She left her first boyfriend for this one, and was now thinking about leaving this one for me. I suppose I should add that Jane is a tad younger than me, 19, and despite her age, she acts a lot older. This comes with a drawback though; she likes to be the recipient of attention. So I suppose I have already planted the seed of "home wrecker" into the relationship, one of the things admitted to me was the fact that she thought of me while she was "with" her boyfriend.

[stan92964]

She sounds a bit young. Younger women tend to be attracted to a sense of confidence more than open honesty like you did with her. You seem to be more physically and sexually attracted to her which lets your emotions override your common sense. It looks to me that your sexual and emotional attraction to her is overriding your ability to evaluate her character. I don’t think she has the character traits to make a good serious partner for any guy. Just my opinion from a distance without meeting both of you.

[juraiknight]

She sounds a bit young. Younger women tend to be attracted to a sense of confidence more than open honesty like you did with her. You seem to be more physically and sexually attracted to her which lets your emotions override your common sense. It looks to me that your sexual and emotional attraction to her is overriding your ability to evaluate her character. I don’t think she has the character traits to make a good serious partner for any guy. Just my opinion from a distance without meeting both of you.

Yeah, I've also thought about that during a long long drive tonight. Although I've told her I don't put her on a pedestal, I seem to have already done that based on my emotional and physical attraction to her. I've realized that instead of having her accept me for my faults, I've tried to prove her wrong on her assumptions of the potential relationship between us and try to be the person she has somewhat described to me without even being with her.

[VincenzoG91]

Or read this short story for additional insights on the whole friend zone thing:

https://sites.google.com/site/estragib/gentlemen

[meloveulongtime]

You're chasing something you can't have. A fantasy. She may be your ideal girl but doesn't sound like she's the one for you. Also she seems like she leans on you for comfort when she's bored . And If she is willing to leave her boyfriend for you, what makes you think she won't leave you for someone else?

I've been in her position before and can honestly admit I've kept guys on the side line knowing I would never date them unless it was a last resort. I'm not proud to admit it but being honest with you, your plan D, not B Or C but D as dumb. Keep hoping but She will keep you in the friend zone for a long time, maybe at the end settle for you.

Not only does she seem young but you sound young too. Wake up and smell the coffee. You're worth more than that. Find someone who respects and loves you for you.

You'll figure it out soon after you she's done playing emotional games with you.

Good luck trying to win her over.

[MrProblem]

I'd give up mate. The fact she can't accept your faults (is height really a fault?!) shows that a relationship would not be viable. Too much giving on your side. Too much receiving on hers. It a hard task to accept and give up on someone you regard so much, but it'll be the better option IMO.

Chin up mate.

[michelle23]

Oh for gawds sake. Is the answer not obvious?!? I didnt bother reading the essay you wrote but i can tell you your a twat. You created this mess coz you went after her while she was with someone else. A girl will never be "yours" if you do that. Even if she did really like you-you cant hop from one relationship to the next without a break in between. Your just gonna be the rebound 99times out of 100..

If u wantmy advice-stay the hell away from taken women and find your own bird!

[juraiknight]

Oh for gawds sake. Is the answer not obvious?!? I didnt bother reading the essay you wrote but i can tell you your a twat. You created this mess coz you went after her while she was with someone else. A girl will never be "yours" if you do that. Even if she did really like you-you cant hop from one relationship to the next without a break in between. Your just gonna be the rebound 99times out of 100..

If u wantmy advice-stay the hell away from taken women and find your own bird!

Haha , harsh but a good change of view I suppose. I wasn't really expecting anything but when she broke up with the boyfriend, the plan was to let her go out and do her own thing and give her time to figure herself out and not be the rebound. But the little late night visit threw that out the window, didn't it?

[juraiknight]

Unfortunatly, I lacked the will power to slow that night down, or even told her no when she told me she was coming over at 11 at night the day after she broke up with her boyfriend.

[Love'sReject]

At least ya got to do her and you know for a certainty that you're attractive. Just don't pull this sorta shit again; you got lucky this time.

[juraiknight]

At least ya got to do her and you know for a certainty that you're attractive. Just don't pull this sorta shit again; you got lucky this time.

Oh, no no, you misunderstood me. She literally slept with me...trust me, I tried when the moment started to heat up, but she denied saying "not this time". So really, did I get lucky this time? I'm not so sure, I just seem to have been given just a sample of something I've wanted forever and it was taken back on the basis of actions that are part of who I am, not necessarily the "desperate" reactions, that I'm not really sure what she's referring to. As for the openness or the cheesy lines, that's who I am man. It seems like there is a split decision here; the side that believes it's her who is playing games, and the few who believes it's my own doing that got me taken out of the game. I'm still somewhat confused as to how I lead to my own demise, if that's the case.